26 May 2001

Something was wrong with my HTML table, and it didn't seem to matter what I did, it still was spread across the screen. I obviously, have forgotten HTML...if anyone wants to help, please please email me! I have ideas of what I want (like adding pictures and stuff) but I can't seem to get anything to work. So I guess it's the dreaded template in the meantime.

I've been so disgusted with the layout (and I couldn't fix it no matter what I tried!) that I've kind of been ignoring the page, even though I wanted to write. Oh...what's been going on.

The quarter is wrapping up. Summer will begin soon. It's another one of those reflective periods in my life. I will have finished my second year of college, and it's kind of scary, thinking about getting older and growing up. I'm twenty years old...twenty and *I* still don't even know it. I was turning in an application for a restaurant and when the manager asked me how old I was I told him 19.

I didn't even realize what I had said until I was back on the road driving home. Nineteen? I just started laughing to myself. Maybe it's because a lot of the girls I'm with are still 19. So I think I am too. But I'm not, and twenty all of a sudden starts to sound rather...I almost said sophisticated, but not really. I mean I'm still really young, and thinking more like a kid than an adult, but it's still....like wow, twenty. Soon I'll identify myself as a 20-something, and who knows, then you really are growing up. Your friends are getting married, and you'll be developing careers.

It's this whole 'nother mind frame I can't even think about.

My sorority has been having troubles with attendance at events so last week when we had TG's on Wednesday and Thursday, I actually went. Admittedly, if I jeff hadn't been working both the nights, I probably wouldn't have gone, but I wanted to support my girls. Wednesday was actually a pretty fun set-up. The fraternity got these glasses with our letters printed on them, and they had a frozen margarita machine running for free all night. The place that was rented out was alright too. I got pretty drunk.

The next night, I didn't really feel like going, but did anyway. (Yeah, it's always the "I don't feel like drinking" nights that I end up puking... ;) Too many shots, mixed drinks and beer games...or maybe just the combination of it all. That night was more fun in the sense that I was having those drunk "You are such an awesome sister, why don't we hang out more..." events/conversations. Kind of fun though, you wake up, like, "What?! Did I tell that girl I was gonna come visit her in Chicago over the summer?"

Unfortunatly, I think I tried going to sleep way too early, and once I sat down and closed my eyes, the world was spinning, and my head was in my trashcan for most of the night. I guess at some point Jeff called, and Kris told him I was sick and he came over. I guess he stayed by me for three hours, until like five in the morning.

Unfortunely, he was mad.

The next day, I call him in the afternoon to see what he's doing. It's kind of an awkward conversation...not weird so much, just...like, pulling teeth to talk about stuff. But that could have been imagined. I asked him if he wanted to hang out that night (friday) and he paused and said, "maybe." (What?) A few minutes before that he had said he was just gonna lounge around after work, so I didn't know why he wouldn't want to just lounge around with me. ;) Finally, I got it out of him that he wanted to go out.

Why do guys do that? If he had said, "yeah I'm going out to the bars with the guys" that would have been fine. I don't feel like I have to go out with him when he parties. And I understand that he thinks it's more fun if I'm out at the bars with him, but....I wasn't about to go anywhere that involved drinking after missing class all day from being hung-over. So I tell him if he doesn't go out give me a call, if not, have fun or whatever.

That night...I don't remember if I called him or what....oh wait, we were both on AIM. Same thing, you could just feel something was wrong with the conversation. Not like anyone else would see, just something, I know I felt. Finally, he invites me over, and it's this thing back and forth if he really wants me too (if he wants to go out, then don't invite me over, you know?).

So after fighting with my mom to let me go (I had to be back in the morning by 8am) I went down. The whole night was....that same, feeling. Maybe I was just feeling it, because my mind was grinding, and spinning and just working over all these feelings until I was just frustrated and sick. But he noticed I was being quiet and asked about it. I told him it was just the whole thing about our "going out" issue. Because it keeps on being an issue.

When he's going to bed, I can't decide if I should go or not. I don't like leaving things feeling bad, so I figure I'll just stay and see if I can get over the "uncomfortable" hump, I was experiencing. We're lying in bed, and he's just kind of playing with my hair, asking me what's wrong, and that he knows me too well.

I keep saying it's nothing. (I'm such a girl.) Knowing, full well I want him to keep asking....just until I can finally find the words to tell him.

Keep in mind I'm PMSing pretty bad, and I'm just emotional...kind of to begin with, and all this emotional anguish was probably being somewhat conjured by the PMS...

So finally, I'm like (hey I'm pmsing) and I'm just being a girl, and over-emotional. (Then he asks about what.) And I'm on the verge of tears, and I tell him because I love him. (hold back the tears again.) And that, if he's going to get keep getting angry or frustrated or whatever it is about our "going out" issues, like it wasn't going to work, because nothing was ever being solved. And earlier that night we were talking about dying, and how sometimes, he thinks he wouldn't mind dying, because he just gets sick of the cycle of day-to-day life, and how he used to be spontaneous all the time, and now it just feels like work everyday---

He's not suicidal at all, just he was trying to say how the drudge of everyday gets him down, and he's kind of disappointed with the way things are now (he didn't specifically say "us" just school and stuff) and by the time the weekend hits, he just needs to party to get his mind off things, etc.

Okay, to back-track some more, basically, we've been having problems because we never go out or do anything. It always seems by the time the weekend hits I'm just tired. (And I am.) For him, at the end of the week he needs to break free from things, and I'm ready to....take a nap. ;) Or I don't know, it seems like whenever we have an opportunity to party together, we just don't, and I admit, it's usually because I don't want to, or I just don't feel like drinking or I don't know.

And I think he can understand this, but it's like....then why do I (or can I) go out and drink with other people? And truthfully, I can't tell you.

I've been trying to analyze it on my own, and I don't know. I think, the problem is that he's kind of jealous that maybe I'm...not like I'm actually hooking up with guys or anything, but something along those lines. (Because after all, it came straight from my lips plenty of times before, that I don't really enjoy parties anymore, because that's all I see them for--something to do, to pick up people) He said something the day I was drunk, about why I never went out and partied with him, and that when we're together we just sit around, and when I go out without him I have, "the time of my life."

And that line sticks so clearly in my mind, because...I think when he drinks really hard, he has a blast (or something? ;) and I.... (I don't?) Like this last week, and I got drunk (really drunk) two days in a row (and that isn't like me at all) I didn't have a blast...truthfully, I didn't really have that good of a time. I wasn't bored, because I was drinking, but seriously, if I hadn't been so distracted with my drunk filled head, I would have been. Both nights, I drank until I was completely drunk, didn't talk to any guys...really any girls either--except for the second night just focussed on drinking...and then I'd leave. Both nights people would ask me where I disappeared to, because I just left when I knew I was so completely drunk, there was nothing left to do.

That isn't the time of my life. Both nights are completely unforgettable, and I don't care about them. Yes, I've had some pretty crazy nights that I *do* remember and maybe they would go under that "best times of the life" folder, when I was drunk (ahem, panama city) but....it just doesn't do anything for me anymore.

I still see drinking as just something to do. I mean, I do like the feeling of being buzzed, or even drunk, but...I don't like doing it. I don't like the taste, and it's a chore. And I have to be really motivated to drink. So if I'm at a party, I just...I'm bored, I'm going to drink. Especially now that I don't talk to boys...like, I'm very social, and it doesn't take alcohol to get me going. When I'm at a party, I talk to my friends a little, get bored, then start working the party, meeting people! Now, it's like, if I talk to a guy he thinks I'm flirting with him, and I don't want that. So, it's like double boredom, which is why I don't usually go out anymore.

And I must just be a really boring person, because as long as I'm somewhere and accepted I'm there....I don't get bored. So when I'm with Jeff...I'm completely happy just being there with him. I can't help I don't want to go out...during the week, it's a school night, and last week was an exception, because I usually don't drink during the week. I don't like going to bars (because it cost money, because I could go to jail if caught drinking) and also because I don't like...

Okay. I know I keep repeating myself. But I don't like just sitting around and drinking. And really, that's basically what drinking is usually. I don't mind drinking if it means I'm doing something--which is why drinking games help. But, I like to be doing something, and....drinking is a chore, i don't like sitting there, being bored, and trying to stuff a terrible tasting liquid down my body. okay?

Ahhh, I'm so frustrated!

So basically all night, before I go up to bed with Jeff, I'm just sitting in my room, letting all that (above) mix in my mind, and I'm just thinking that we've been together for a year, and that I love him, and I don't want to waste his time (or mine) if I'm not really what he's looking for.

So I'm lying there, trying to somehow tell him this. So he tells me how frustrated he is sometimes, and he wants to be spontaneous again--which just makes me feel worst, because I don't want to be the source of his...uncreativity? So I tell him, I don't think he's been all that spontaneous and that I'm holding him back (or at least I don't think so) and that yes we haven't always partied, but...we could? (I guess?)

So he says, "fine, let's go to cincinnati. Right now."

(er.) So I'm just staring at him, and I tell him that I have my mom's car and I have to get it back to her by 8am. So he says that's enough time to drive to cincinnati, and drive back. And I'm kind of like...yeah, but...why do that? It would be more fun to actually go somewhere, and I have my mom's car...and I'd probably fall asleep on the way anyway....

Of course, this is all dodging the actual issue. Say I hadn't had my mom's car, and didn't need to be anywhere the next day...would I have gone? I don't know.

But I didn't want to. So I'm just like, speechless, staring at him, kind of pleading through my eyes not for him to do that to me, and finally, I just kind of roll over and start crying. And he's just holding my face in his hands, wiping away my tears apologizing. He tells me that he just realized what he was doing, and that he fell in love with me for who I am, and he didn't want to change me....

But I was just crying, and trying to hold the tears in. I was just hurt, and....sorry. Sorry that I couldn't be whatever he wanted, and sorry that...something, that I was making him frustrated...that I was adding to the repetitive drudge of his life (that the idea of dying didn't seem that bad to him?)--don't I mean anything?. And I know he didn't mean it like that. It was just...too much, on emotionally sensitive girl.

So we whispered our sorry's, and kissed and made up, until we fell asleep.

And oh yeah, I woke up at 8:36...damn, I was supposed to be home by 8:00 ;)

So I don't know what's going to happen. I mean, I'm sure it'll be like before....fine, until it isn't again. And I don't want that.

I do love him. And I want...him to be happy, and if somehow that means someone that parties more....like I don't think that's what it is. I mean superficially you can say it's about going out, but I think it's more like....I'm happy where we are, and he wants to change. Not so much change, just...something different, or something....I don't know. It's like, it isn't about the alcohol, but it is. I can't explain it. And I can't explain me.

But, I can't see my life right now without him. And I don't think he's anywhere near dropping out on our relationship. I think we just need to work through it.

And I think we will.

Everytime we...."discus" things going on in our relationship, I just come out of it loving him more, and wanting to be with him.