12 October 2002

Last night I was in such an amazing mood. I felt like I loved Jeff more than ever. I just wanted to wrap him around me and watch him smile. To know he is happy.

We saw Sweet Home Alabama; possibly one of the worst movies I have seen in a long while. Why is everyone in love with this movie again?. I liked the characters, and I thought the acting was good too. But the story was really bad, I mean...there was an opportunity to save it at the end, but it continued with its cheesy cliche and ended as typical as any other bad flick. Which is too bad, because Witherspoon is so cute you want to see her in a good movie. Or at least I did.

I felt bad for Jeff. I could tell he was miserable in the movie. And there came a time where I could have just got up and left and probably wouldn't have cared much what happened at the end. But we stayed. It wasn't our original plan when we head off to the movies. I think we wanted to see (Rules of attraction)? Anyway, it was sold out so we settled on Alabama. What made it worse, was Jeff had a bunch of Alumni up from his fraternity and they had invited him out and I think he wanted to go....but when I said I wouldn't go he decided to just come with me.

And I would have been fine with him going, it just wasn't how I wanted to spend my evening. Besides, I had/have so much reading homework, even though it was a Friday night i would have much rathered been at home catching up, then sitting in a bar, with old guys I don't know, drinking a beer I don't want and didn't want to pay for. You know?

Although the movie was terrible, I still loved him dearly. It's strange how on any random day you can just remember how much you love someone, and yesterday I did. I was sure we'd have sex because of all the affection we showed, but once we arrived home, we watched....travel sick)?) on comedy central, and then Survivor that I had taped from Thursday. So by the time the hour hit to go to bed, I was tired. And I think he was too. Although if I had been more into it, I'm sure he would have been happy to go for it then ;)

The next morning I knew I had to [have sex with him] because I want to be better about that. No problem. We had tickets for the football game, but instead slept in, and made love to each other. I think the few girls left in the house certaintly heard me moaning. It was...good sex, sometimes I cannot have sex for that long, before it's like 'gina completly closes up, but i could have gone on for quite awhile this morning, and we pretty much did actually.

I really didn't mind that I had to work tonight. I needed the money because I hadn't worked at all throughout the week. Unfortunately I made a major mistake at a large table and it completely put me in a bad mood. Okay, perhaps not major, but it upset me either way. I wish I could be like any other server and just not care, but I've got that kind of heart where I sincerely do want you to "enjoy your dining experience." I worry about your impression of my restaurant and how you like the food, and if my service isn't what I want it to be I'm really disappointed with myself.

So from there it was all downhill. I was already in a negative mood, but then I got tipped five dollars on 118.00 dollar check. BTW, one dollar per person is not an appropriate way to tip. Sigh. So there I was crying at work again. And the tears instantly brought on that sense of depression and uselessness. I know I should just let it slide off, but it's like all these things just coming in and flooding now.

And I did feel sad. I don't want to serve anymore, but I have no idea what to do. I don't know even where to look for a job. And while serving is risky, for the most part I still think I'm making pretty decent money overall. I feel like at this point if I'm not going to stay in something lucrative (like serving) then I should be doing something that would benefit me in the long run (like something around my major.)

What would you suggest? I am a communications major (focus in interactive processes) and a minor in women's studies. Any suggestions?

I think I'm unsatisfied with my life, because I'm getting closer and closer to graduation and I have no idea where I'm headed. I don't like doing anything. I don't see myself doing anything. I feel disappointed that I don't really have any friends (people that really know me) and that all my happiness is wrapped up in Jeff. I've completely invested everything into him, and I don't know how to....make it better. Because I am happy with him, and I don't want something else, I don't know what I want.

I want girlfriends but I don't know when I would have the time to develop them. I want to have some job/career aspirations, but instead i feel useless. I feel like I'm good at learning, but I don't like anything, and I'm not really good at anything. I'm decent in everything, but I still have no skill. I don't know how to use even basic business programs. As a senior in college shouldn't I have had to use powerpoint at some time in my life?

I'm trying to think about things I do like, and it's hard. I know I like acting, but I really don't see myself getting into that, because it seems so farfetched. I like making lists. I like doing research. I like working with people. I'm not good with numbers; I'm not good with math. I don't care for science, although less because of interest, and more because I just don't pick it up very easily. I enjoy philosophy--to a point, I don't care for details. I am fascinated with religion (until I get to the details). I like being creative (to a point, and at my own pace and time). I wouldn't mind travelling (but not extensively, unless if jeff would be with me). What should I do?

What should I do?