Depression is...feeling worthless.
Pointless.
I just feel so sad and that word is not significant enough to capture the lowness of being. The exhaustive, oppressive darkness that seeps into everything.
I've been slipping for awhile now.
Everything, everything seems like such a chore. I have to pep talk myself to get through the most basic activities.
You don't understand how ridiculous it is to have to coax yourself to shower, to get up, to just keep going. And I don't think anyone has any idea.
I'm trying really hard and it's just embarrassing. It feels pathetic. I know Jeff would have no sympathy at all. He's definitely in the department of people who thinks you should just shake it off and stop whining already.
I know. It is tiring. I don't like feeling it. Certainly wouldn't want to hear about it.
I miss my mom; my parents. It's such a simple, basic go-to when I'm feeling bad lately and I don't get it. My mom makes me feel worse 90% of the time. But she's steady, she's always there. I know she would drop anything to help me. And that pure, basic love is so comforting to me. Unconditional. Forgiving. In the briefest of moments, it's nice. As I grow older I'm so much more thankful and grateful for my parents.
I'm so stressed out at work right now. My mental capacity is blown. I'm going to skip work tomorrow. I hate how guilty that makes me feel. I hate knowing Jeff will judge me for it. I hate that no one probably cares and I'm at home fretting about what other people think and it's all so dumb. I know it's just me avoiding life. Avoiding responsibility. I'm hoping I can take a breather and work on some things on my own time without stress without the push of the constant 'to do'. Without feeling like I need to be somewhere or do something.
Just really feeling the pressure and it sucks. I don't want to do my job. I don't want to do anything. It's completely impractical but I wish Jeff would go away, the world would leave me alone and I could....what, hide?
Just for awhile, please?
I just want to stop feeling so bad. And knowing that I feel that way makes me feel bad.
It would be nice to have some time to simply be and not have any expectations or feel like I'm letting someone down.
