24 August 2001

I woke up around 6am today dreaming about spiders. Don't you hate when you have a bad dream, then everytime you close your eyes to go back to sleep the pictures keep flashing by you. So I went downstairs and slept on the couch until about 11:00. Here I had a dream about Jeff.

In the dream, I was dating someone else, and for whatever reason, Jeff and I had broken up becuase of some [reason] unknown beyond our means. So, I don't know why, but it wasn't like we had a bad break up or something, and it had been quite a bit since we had broke up. I was doing a school project with him and my [new] boyfriend. Everything seemed on friendly terms. And Jeff was driving us home, and he dropped my boyfriend off first, but we were heading in the opp. direction of my house, and then he kept on driving to his house. Except it wasn't his real house, it was my old best friend's house from elementary school. The house is across railroad tracks and a baseball field that are close to my house, so I figured I would just walk home when we got to "his" house.

But once we got there, we were walking in a park, and the sun was so warm and bright. You know those perfect days where there aren't any clouds in the sky, and the sun is so warm, but the air is really light and even a little cool with a breeze? Almost like fall, except it was warmer out in my dream. And Jeff and I were walking around talking--holding hands. (Except Jeff an I never hold hands ;)

And we're joking and laughing with each other. And you can tell we both really...like each other? And, my heart is just breaking because I realize that I miss him so much, and that I'm still in love with him. And we're kissing, as we're walking back to his house. And I know it's wrong because I'm dating someone else. And if he [my boyfriend] knew he would just die.

But then I'm thinking, that jeff would be so upset if he knew--except I'm with Jeff... It's like if I suddenly remembered in my dream--that I had to be dreaming?

Then it's flash into his room, and it's so hot, and Jeff looks so good, and we're kissing, and I'm pulling back, but I want him more. And it's so passionate, and it's like I'm [awakening?] but not waking up, just I feel so...free? in the dream.

I wake up for real then, on the couch. I felt so....pained? Like the thought of losing Jeff, that whole experience of wanting to be with him again was so horrible, and....

I just felt so much love...I am just so in love with him, and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, because I'm so happy when I'm with him. We're really...almost addicted to each other. And that sounds bad, but I don't mean it negatively just that we spend so much time with each other, that seriously, not seeing him for a day feels weird, and I can't wait to be with him again. Just seeing him at work, smiling at me across the room, is one of the best things in the world. And I feel so blessed to have this amazing person in my life, it almost feels unfair...

....to be this happy, when I know so many people feel hurt and lonely, because I can remember feeling that way.

And I guess, somehow this entry, is just a thank you, because I thank you God for what you have given me, and what you have done in my life, and all the wonderful opportunities I have. I wish I could look at my life, and live it as free and open-eyed as possible, and not take so many things for granted.

So, thank you.

-ag.