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dreaming up Bryan, loving jeff, and awaiting my new members from RUSH

18 January 2002

Hey everyone. I'm feeling rather...pensive all of a sudden. I think it's the music I'm playing.

I had a random moment in one of my dreams last night (okay, when is anything in a dream not random...) Bryan [you'll have to read down to read about him].. happened to show up in my dream, and it made me so...wistful. I think he's always going to be...this mysterious person in my life, that I'll never understand. Maybe one day I'll find closure (but I could only see that happening if I were to ever actually sit down and talk with him.) He's just so...he's this force in my memories. He touched me in a way that I'm not sure if I'll ever forget. And I'll never really know if I created this idea of him in my head or if he really was what I've built him up to be.

It was the strangest relationship. He was pretty unusual himself. I can only be thankful that he approached me...and I followed up those few months later. I wonder...what we would have been, could have been had I not met "courting" Ryan when he came into my life. I was experiencing all these crazy things, and I didn't really understand what I wanted or expected from Bryan anyway.

He made me feel...absolutely amazing. I felt, alive, different, unique, and lovely, and beautiful, and so many things. (So why wasn't I crazy about this guy again?) Haha...but that was the thing, he did make me crazy, but not in the sense of this lustful movie-like emotion, but I was so...

in the this sense of awakening and I didn't know what to make of it.


I think I could have fallen in love with him.

I think, I actually did fall in love (with the idea of him). I don't know if...Bryan is what I would want (if it were possibly to create the "ideal relationship".) To be honest, Jeff is my heart.

My eyes kind of teared up there.

Jeff has become part of the layers and folds of my life, and the thought of not having him, creating my life as it is...is almost unthinkable, because we've grown to be the people we are today because of each other. So I would be curious to see how my other "alternative universe" aglaia is doing, and what exactly her life looks like.

AND, had I not persued Ryan, I probably wouldn't have the same relationship with "techno" music as I do now. Which could be interesting to see how much that would make a difference with Jeff and I. After the rave I attended with Ryan, I had a lot of perspectives change about the world.

But so did I with Bryan.

My mother awhile back voiced some "it's too bad that's" concerning Jeff and I. I think she would have wished I could have dated more before "settling." And part of me...does agree, and wish I could have dated more--but not to see what I like and don't like...but because I was just having so much fun getting to know people, going out and just being "wild." BUT, both Bryan and Ryan left these reasonably large impacts on the way I think. I've acted on "advice" (just some thoughts they told me about how they view things) before, and even told others.

Bryan also showed me that I have this potential inside of me. I don't need a "bryan" to inspire me. It was just easier to be poetic with him there to influence me. Bryan was a drug, and I couldn't help but take him in, because the sensation of being with him, talking to him was completely unlike anything else. I don't think many people will ever get a Bryan, and that's too bad.

And I wanted to tell Jeff this morning, when I woke up and I was quietly thinking about my experiences and conversations that I had had with Bryan. Bryan made me want to self-disclose every detail of my life. I wanted to pour myself out and into his soul so I could hear what he thought about it. He was almost like a toy, and I couldn't wait to see what "fun" he would spit back out at me.

But I didn't understand him. And eventually, I think he got tired of me treating him poorly (he was unreal--unhuman--to me) and then when the "novelty" of aglaia had worn off, and personal issues overtook him, he dropped me.

Hard.

So all of a sudden my addiction, my drug that was leading me into new discoveries and crazy philosophical conversations was pulled away from me.

I don't think I'm quite over the withdrawl, even now.


If he would somehow enter my life right not...it'd be interesting, because I think...I would choose to see him over Jeff.

Not as a romantic partner (which is where the relationship became confusing) but because I would want to get "high" off of Bryan again. And while I don't think Bryan is unattractive, I was never physically attracted to him. BUT, he gave my mind and body such a rush that, it was almost like my mind had a hard time separating the feelings of sexual desire and just plain "excitedness". Does that make sense?

I guess, what I'm trying to say, is that Bryan infected me. And ever since he just completely broke contact with me...he'll creep into my mind occasionally. And then I'll get on here, write all the same feelings down, and continue to wonder if I'll ever see him again.


He really is't that amazing. Or is he? I mean, I just don't know. He is incredibly talented (can play uitar, compose songs, and sing. Great with ideas, and business, worked two jobs, took 20 credit hours, double majored, can sew, design clothes...and it goes on.)

Whether or not he's as "cool" as I've built him up to be, he's still got an interesting mind, and I could talk to him for hours and want more. You don't find that in a lot of people.


I love Jeff. And what I have with him is "real" love (compared to my...infatuation with Bryan--although not sexual). Jeff and I are very similar and I can talk to him about everything too. It's just different. If I can find a spiritual side in Jeff, that wondering, challenging mind (and I believe it's in there) then I'll really have the man of my dreams.


So what's been going on? All types of things. I think this quarter will be good. My classes are interesting, and a couple will probably challenge me (in the good ways). I'm also learning some good skills (web building) plus communication tips (one class is all about romantic relationships). Jeff of course is lovely, and all that goes well. The sorority has been good. RUSH is going on right now. I find that i'm actually pretty excited about it.

I am taking on the position of "new member educator". It's a pretty hefty one. I am responsible for orientating all of our new members what exactly it means to be in my sorority. So that involves all the education, and what not. I have to plan 5 weeks of stuff for them to do, plus their i-week (prev. known as "hell week"). Jeff is kind of mad that i'm not going to haze. But I can't help it. I wasn't hazed, the girls under me weren't hazed, and besides it is rather outdated. I admit, I kind of wish I had been. I think (and if you're not Greek it *is* hard to understand) that the hell week does create a sense of respect. And while everything sucks during it, I think you really get an understanding of why once you get through.

Obviously there are some hazing tactics that I would disapprove of, but it's gotten so bogged down by rules that now anything is considered hazing. Going on a scavenge hunt around campus is considered hazing (and that's "scavenging" for simple/nice things too (like a book from the library). Basically if we ask them to do anything and they don't feel like it, it's hazing. Which is dumb. If you're going to be in an organization, you're going to have to do things you don't like sometimes (as with everything in life.)

If we want them to spend the night...then they should. But they don't have to "because it's hazing." But if they're initiated members and our prez says it's mandatory that we spend the night....we'll in trouble if we don't. Okay that was a dumb example, but anyway--the greek system...it is hard not to get bitter.

BUT, I plan on a new "reform" way of i-week, and hopefully all goes well.

bye.






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