19 May 2000

I just realized my counter does a variety of nifty stuff. I would just like to give a couple shout-outs. Thanks to the nice UCSD person(s) for coming in at a fine 11% of my traffic, and for staying 31:08(!) minutes that one day, and checking things out. And *U* of British Columbia for staying 18:40 minutes, who are you? GTEJ.net 14:38 minutes?

BCBSCT 18:00? SLAM 15:58 minutes?

It says here that OSU.edu traffic makes up 8%--which is slightly scary. Does that mean there's some OSU-ers out there readin' me?? Or is that just cuz *I'm* from OSU, and that whole 8% is just me stopping by a lot? :)

More funnies....I thought it was pretty ha-ha to find that by searching for pre-ejaculation here you come up with ME. Hmmmm.

Not to mention the spyonit site, which looks kind of interesting actually. And the last one, Snatch so kindly linked to me in one of (her?) entries--and I didn't even know she was a reader. So all of you out there....that is what this is for. Cuz it makes me really happy when you do. :) Besides, I love finding new pages.

But on to more pressing matters. I hop on AIM about 10 minutes before I have to go to my last class today and I see that Chris is on, so I say hi--seeing as I haven't talked to him, since like last saturday--and that wasn't even a real conversation, a totally hi/hello...goodbye. So we do the "how are you's" and yadda yadda, and he tells me there's some things he wants to tell me. Oh yeah? Me too... But not bad, he says. What could you be holding out to tell me that could possibly be good? He goes on to say he doesn't want to do it over the AIM, which I say okay, but joke that it doesn't matter and he can just tell me, whatever it is. I sorta got something to tell you about too, honey.

He tells me there's a girl.

Someone he met a long time ago? Someone he always wanted to be with, but things never worked out with it. I guess she (lives in Cali?) but stopped in to see him (recently?) and she wants to make things work, and he has to give it a try because it means a lot to him.

He tells me he cares for me. That I'm the sweetest girl he's ever met. That I have so much that he admires and enjoys. I know, I believe him. He tells me he was in love with me as the person, for what I stood for, how I thought, what I believed and how I acted, but 'us' was never really a feasible idea in his head. Well sure it was until you're old girly came into town, haha.

But it's funny. Tragically wonderful in away. After he said his say about his girl, he started in with the tag lines. About everything that was so good about us, but then what just couldn't be....And everything he was saying, could have been coming out of my mouth, had I told him what I needed to say about what's been going on in my mind about the issue of us. In that sense, it's good. He's right, we probably never could have been...except we could. But it's better.

I asked God to make it simple for me. This is simple enough? I'm not jealous. I am hurt though. What I wanted from him, from the us at this point, really couldn't happen with the position we were in. I still want to see him, even date him. I just...can't be committed into a relationship, when I'm still figuring myself out, my wants, my friends. I hope when we say we still want to see each other--that we do. My best guy friends have all been ex-boyfriends. I think my guy friends, know more about me, than do my girls. It's always been that way.

And I adore Chris' girls, and the guitar boys. It's funny, I IM'ed Kerrie, Chris' best girl, and was kind of girl-talking with her, while Chris was talking to me. She's all like, he's crazy, he should be with you! It's funny that way. I'll still talk to Kerrie, and I'll still talk with my guitar boy, I like them both a lot. If it works, I'll still get to see them and talk with Chris too. But that may be strange. Being with them. But not being with him. In that sense at least.

I wish I could have written down what I was feeling, what I was thinking earlier. Now I just feel...calm. I couldn't eat my chicken sandwich. I thought that was funny. I picked up my lunch and threw everything that had taste away. Even my fruit drink which I had just opened up. Left me with water. Pure water. Pure everything. Rich thoughts. I remember thinking how good it fel to hurt. To have the feeling flowing through me. My humanity?

It's sort of the easy way out, it going down like this.

I didn't have to do a thing.

Wish me luck tonight. I will be performing a high intensity, trick filled group dance routine for the Greek Week Variety show tonight. I'm in the first row. One of the tricks...I can't do. But all is well, i am hoping my adrenaline is there in full force, to provide, "funky attitude" a constant flashing smile in all the appropriate places, sharp arms and legs, and a memory that won't fail.

I'm not worried. People on stage say they get nervous cuz everyone is watching them. I say switch it around. I think it's awesome to be on stage because everyone *is* watching you.

Goodbye.