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Dysfunctional suburbia. It gets better, right?

13 January 2005

Usually before I add an entry I'll read my most current submission. I found myself reading a couple of lines then minimizing the page so I wouldn't have to look at it.

I'm scared to even think about it.

So I've just chosen not too.







Over the break my sister found me. I was curled up in my bed crying to myself in hushed misery and fear. I was talking to god, talking to life and talking myself into a panicked stream of tears.

My sister burst in the room (as she always does), grabbed something she wanted (as I expected), made some off comment joke and was in the process of swinging right back out the door when she really looked at me.

I was sort of dear in a headlights paralyzed. I didn't know if I should laugh with her and try to make eye contact (I'm sure my puffy red face didn't stand a real chance though) but she knew. She walked quietly up to me and patted my arm, and softly joked, "Did Santa not bring you what you wanted for Christmas this year?"

I smiled and shook my head no. She joked a little longer about small things that would never make a girl cry like that. Finally she asked, "Is it Jeff"?

It was.






I still felt so ashamed of it all. The whole thing. Feeling like I was in the middle of a mental break down all awhile claiming how wonderful life was to friends and family, and cooing in Jeff's ear like everything was just fine.

Plus, I don't know if my mom and Nicole talk. I don't know what she knows. I don't know if she's getting filterd information. She does know that I'm living at home and Jeff is in a dead end job and miserable and there's nothing I can do about it. I was worried she would make this out to be some dissatisfaction with Jeff's life choices or somehow he is treating me poorly.

That wasn't it. Sure, I'm not thrilled he hasn't really motivated himself to some higher purpose but I understand where he's coming from. He has a hurt ego to deal with from the general job seeking rejection, plus he works full time where his best high school friend makes life hell as his "boss." I also always had full confidence he would get out that at some point. Sure, I was wishing it had happened nine months earlier, but I also know that I was lucky to get the job that I did when I did.

And no, while he wasn't "abusing" me in any sense, our relationship was bruised by his overall unhappiness with life.

She kept pressing me, and I played the typical girl saying I didn't know what was wrong (why I was crying) or what was wrong with our relationship.

The truth? I'm scared about our ultimate fate. I'm scared I'm in a relationship, only 4 years into it, that has already hit it's prime, and I'm hoping he'll ask me to marry him! Do I want sixty more years of this?

Can I live like this? Can he?

I'm afraid we're already in different places and that, perhaps, from the beginning we...no--that's not true. While I didn't scream "it's love!" at the beginning, I did really like him. I thought he was fun, and cute and we seemed to have fun together.

The more time we spent with each other, the more I cared for him. The more we became alike and the more we developed into this singular identity. I could be myself with him. My goofy, weird, emotional, quiet, rambly, Self. And I would never think twice about "acting out of character" I could just....Be.

Isn't that love? It's the most rewarding and freeing relationship when you can be with someone and everything just feels right. Judgement takes another form.

We both have very stubborn, strong and different opinions at times. We are so much alike, but at times so different. Perhaps everyone is like that. I tend to think of both of us as being laid back, accommodating and go with the flow. I don't know....

My sister...talking with her really felt nice. We aren't close. I really look up to her. I don't know if she knows that (ah, knowing her she probably does and manipulates me ;) No...she is kind of her own person in our family. She is the princess. But she's a lot of fun. She's definitely a "cool" person. Beautiful. A snob, but you can't help but like her anyway.

But her opinion and our status...it means a rediculous amount to me. And I love that Jeff sees that! haha, I've never had anyone say that to me. I don't know if it's something everyone knows but just doesn't say or if it's something I hide, or maybe just something I feel comfortable talking to Jeff about...but he can see it. He even jokes and makes fun of me for adoring her so. I don't really know her.

But I'd like to.

And as silly as it sounds...having her talk to me was really nice. It was just one of those moments...where you felt like you, I don't know, you could trust that moment to be real. As family, at least I know in my family, we take each other for granted. We've all got our own issues and we blow each other off in times when we really should be there for each other. And, I guess I felt how nice it was to have someone sit there and care for me. Even, if was all just an act...like getting trapped in a situation you know you just can't walk out of it.







She said one thing that really struck me. At first it was kind of like "whatever, I know, I know..." but then later on as it really got comfortable hanging on my mind it really settled there. Two things. One, we don't stay in love forever. That was the Nicole I worried about--the one that "settled" for Chris (even though he's an absolutely great guy, both in general and for Nicole---some people make you sing, and I'm not sure if he ever did for her). The second was that Love (the big one) is there through bad and good and that's how you can really tell.

I admitted I thought I was falling out of love, or even, already out of love with Jeff. I had fallen into a cold, dead place in my heart where all I had was negative and doom in my vision. I sat there so broken, where I tried to think of good things about Jeff or things that I loved about him, and I just couldn't....I felt so hopeless.

But Nicole's comments made me think back to some relationship book I had read. I think it was a case study in one of my communication courses. Anyway, it was where a couple was working through problems and dealing with normal cyclical changes and they thought back to bad times they had been and one bad "period" they lived together was like for six years.

SIX YEARS! Can you imagine? Six years of how I felt? How awful. I just...who would put themselves through that? I remember thinking that was crazy and I wouldn't have lasted through it.

But ultimately the couple was able to move out of that and were back in happier times. The author said that good and back times would be a repeating pattern (hopefully not as long as six years) but that to follow his guidelines to maintain in the "good."

ANYWAY, I'm still twisted on that one.

Later, talking to Nicole on the phone she mentioned it was different than a marriage. Yes, we've been together for 4.5 years, but we haven't moved to a different stage in our relationship in quite awhile. Whether it be moving in together, getting engaged, married, whatever--but she's right. We've been stagnet. And Jeff's right...it really hasn't been that great since we graduated from college.

I've become a work drone, tv-watching grandma that needs to go to bed at 10pm. My life is extremely boring, where playing Civilization on the computer sounds better than hanging out with a boyfriend because I can just mind-out to a different place. Jeff is working a nightmare job that is draining his life, his girlfriend has zero interest in sex and he lives in his parent's basement.

Ah, yes.

That's not the cheery story my friends get to hear but sometimes that is the real truth. Life is not growing, becoming a better person. Sure, i'm getting a lot out of my job (enjoying it) and growing professionally. But personally I'm dying. Hanging out with friends simply sounds "exhausting" and sometimes seeing Jeff every single night to do absolutely nothing was driving me crazy. I'm not blaming him, I'm not any fun to hang out with, I know that.

The problem is...why don't I seem to really be making any changes to get better?

I really like to plan. I am, after all, a meeting planner. I love to set goals, create challenges and go after them. I excelled in school because there was always an end that I wanted to find myself at the top of. I didn't even think about failure, in fact, I knew I'd end up on the top because there was no other option. Sure, it made me miserable at times (hey, just like my job does now) but maybe that's just how I am.

I would like my life to be a little more driven. When I talk to Jeff about it, planning a life makes it seem so unspontaneous and boring. The problem is, by not making a plan that doesn't necessarily make your life fun and exciting. It could be. And you may end up in all these different places and learn a lot. Or you could end up going nowhere, wasting everything Life has to give.

I want to plan...but I want to plan WITH Jeff. It's not that he won't let me...I let him whittle my energy so I don't do anything either. But it isn't any fun trying to force someone to plan, or to make plans simply 'hoping' he'll go along with them. That's not a relationship I want to be in.

The fact is, I don't know what Jeff wants and I don't think he does either. He can think of big dreamy ideas but there is no action to make them a reality. My big plans...they involve him. Both as actually being a part of it, as well as being my motivator and support as a I pursue them. The problem is...I can't plan them, and begin acting on them, if he's not going to be there, right with me.

Big plans involve trips, moves, career goals, personal goals and everything else (sure, even a wedding on a hill in Italy, but c'mon ;) I can't begin implementing things when my future is in question. Plus, I'm not just making plans for myself. My plans are his and vice versa. I want to grow and become, with him.

I still do believe we can. But not until he can wake up and make some of these choices.

Stateroute said I didn't have to make any of these choices right now. But, I feel an anxiety...I get emotionally overloaded because I feel like I CAN'T MOVE. I feel like anytime I really think about my life, the big picture, I do go into a panic. I want to be successful, I want to do great things and I feel like I'm hanging out waiting for Jeff to figure out what he wants first.

Well, I don't have time for that. I don't know what to do. I do feel panicked.

Why doesn't he want to marry me? I know this is such a girl world question, but I don't understand. Yes, or no that's it. And if it is yes as he says, I don't understand his hesitation to discuss it. And if he really doesn't want kids I feel like every day I spend with him longer, the more I am doomed to not find anyone to be with.

I know that's really girly and stupid, and getting way ahead of myself. I don't want to just go out and find someone...just to be with someone, that's not it at all.

I just want to feel secure in where I am now. And maybe no, I'm not forced to make any choices right now, but I do feel I am ready to start a new chapter of my life. I want Jeff to be a part of it. But if he's not going to be there...I need to know.

I need to know. I don't like just "going." I don't like just "being." I want to be something. I know Jeff doesn't necessarily have to be a part of me changing, me doing anything, but he is my world.

Jeff is everything and I....I'm going to have a hard time doing anything without his support. It'd almost be better to be alone than to be with someone and feel scared and alone when I think too much or bored, and "ok" on a daily basis if I don't think.

If we're going to work, if we can be "fixed" then this is going to have to be a group effort. I'll admit, I'm not talking to him about this, and I know that's where it needs to start. I don't know if he knows how dissatisfied I am because I don't really talk about it.

I feel like...if I say anything, somehow I'm going to get hurt for doing it. Either, he's going to get small and withdrawn (for "feeling so bad about hurting me") or somehow I'm going to feel like everything that I don't like...I did to myself.

I also feel like most of our problems are issues that HE isn't thrilled about. I also don't see those ever being "fixed" and if these are our constant issues....fine, but he needs to accept that. I've accepted he's moody and withdrawn. I don't like it, it's probably always going to bother me or make me think I did something wrong when it's usually something random, but I don't think that'll ever change.

Me? I'm not going to start liking to drink. Or like going to bars. Or stop being tired when I need 8-9 hours of sleep to be functionable :-)

I'm probably not going to have a wild sex drive. It sucks. If I could make my body open to him, I would. I would give him myself everynight just to please him, but it doesn't work like that.

And then it all goes back to...can I go another sixty years like this? Can I be married and sexually dysfunctional?

Is this normal?

I'm 23, shouldn't I want to have sex with my boyfriend?


Six years ago I was getting to know the idea of a boyfriend. Five years ago I apparently skipped my online journal in January. Four years ago I was...wow, I said going two weeks with no sex with Jeff was a long time. (bwa, haha) Three years ago I was having a RealSimple moment when I had a dream about Bryan. Two years ago Jeff was doing that pull away thing. One year ago I was having the weirdest symptoms. Never did figure that one out!






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