Can seeing an old boyfriend be tender? Because that's how the moment has been captured in my head. I mean, I have talked to him since we broke up. Short and few between with an occasional random bumping into. It's tender, because you're so cautious, and...curious, even, of what's there. What's left?

This person, that was there, when I was so fresh, so new and vulnerable. A clueless girl, walking into a new world of relationships. He is, in a way my true "first" --we never had sex but I still gave him a piece of my virgin mind and body.

And it's because of that first touch, that first glimmer into that world, that when you see someone like that again...whom you haven't but there's this foggy memory of a time that you two could lie together wrapped up as one and it just felt quiet and peaceful. I would love to go somewhere and just talk for hours with him. To try to remember, to try to know, where was that boy I knew so well for nine months?

I can only imagine how much we have changed. I don't think we would be a good couple any more than we were then.

I sometimes think that I may not be ready for a relationship. (But wait, haven't you been in one for 4.5 years?!

I feel like I'm slowly growing more mature, that as I become a real woman I get closer to understanding myself and my desires but I don't know if I'm quite there. I do know that I love Jeff and that our time together is worth so much to me. I'm also quite aware that largely who I am right now is a reflection of who he is. And I see myself in him too.

That doesn't even necessarily scare me...it does concern me, because I think at our core it's not really right but we're both ebbing in each other's moods and consciousness that between the high's and low's we tend to find that medium that keeps us going.

And I don't want to just "go." I know I talk about this concept a lot, but it's because I am concerned with how we just go and do and our lives just run their course without purpose or drive or vision and that's such a waste. We can accomplish so much and at our best...I mean, think if every person in the whole world, every day, functioned at their highest capacity.

What an exciting world this would be! Instead we just tend to wander about, going in and out of our daily schedule, never questioning anything, or complaining about everything, sometimes riding on high's of a holiday, a best friend's company, a significant other in fantasy, or a cheap pleasure like your favorite movie or television show.

Is that how you want to live?

I know I don't.

During the wedding, a woman sat down at the table. I was some how abandoned as this older lady began rambling on and on. She was tiny in build, with this little head, perhaps some disfiguration of her mouth (as if affected by cancer) and this monster head of hair, so large and dated it was frightening. She kind of rudely began talking about overweight people, I don't even remember how or where the conversation got into it, but I thought it was a bizarre comment.

We talked for a bit while about who I was and things going on in my life. At some point another man sat down and perhaps (their son?). The man spoke with me for awhile and when I mentioned what university I attended he joked that he couldn't believe that I hadn't attended one of his classes. At which, I realized, that I had! (Oops).

Really, need to stop doing drugs ;)

I have this very faint, vague memory of sitting in his class. It was biblical in nature. Discussing the history of...er, something in relation to the Bible. La. Anyway, the more we sat there the more I convinced myself that I was sure I had taken one of his courses. Actually, I think we had "met" at that time....wait, now all of a sudden I'm getting a flash back to where I ate dinner with their family. Oh, this is weird. Hmm, did that really happen?

**ponders for a second**

Lol, wow, I really can't remember, that is terrible. Maybe I just ate dinner with their daughter. Another girl, I believe my age had been adopted by them and she was wild and crazy and wonderful. I only knew her briefly but Kathryn and I were friends were her (friends used loosely). She actually went to the marines. I remember when she came back...gone was the girl so beautifully outrageous and outgoing and in was a young women who flatly claimed, "I know 50 ways to kill you with my bare hands."

Hmm, you know, I really think I might have ate dinner with her family. I have no idea why I would have done that, but I think Kathryn and I might have gone over there to hang out or something. I remember it being slighted awkward. But, somehow I know I ate with their daughter...and it was not at church or at my house. Weird.

I wish I could "edit, find" in my brain to drag that one out.

Anyway, what a tangent. Regardless, at some point I had met the father of this girl from youth group.

WAIT--now I'm thinking...I didn't have a class with him. BUT, he did do a guest lecture in another class I took. LOL, my brain is so messed up. Ah, that clears that up a little.

OKAY, but, I did meet him. At the table though, although I knew I recognized him, I did not remember how I knew that he had taught me in class before. Oh, I feel bad now, because I kept insisting that I knew him, and he kept shaking his head in shame for not remembering me, saying he usually knew/remembered all of his students quite well.

Haha, oh well.

So, he's a very intense kind of a guy. Very kind. I mean, he radiates kindness and intelligence and we sat there and had a very nice conversation about the university and course. I gave my best pitch for why Women's Studies was an important and especially good program for anyone who wanted to be mentally challenged and encouraged to develop critical thinking skills and he seemed impressed that I was one of the few university kids that wanted to be "challenged."

He had started out saying something that he did not think students wanted to be challenged. And I must have misunderstood him, because I said that I did not feel "challenged" in the sense that I made my brain grow in new ways in most of my classes. Yes, homework, projects, papers, etc. were difficult and hard at times, but nothing quite like Women's Studies really made me use my brain. I thought he was saying that there weren't opportunities to be challenged and I was agreeing.

He was asking/saying that students DIDN'T want to be challenged. I must have seemed confused at first, because I can't imagine not wanting that. But, I ultimately conceded with that there certainly was that college atmosphere of thinking where you didn't want to try too hard because you had more important things to do (like sleep).

Which, is very important. :) And, if my Women's Studies classes were exhausting. Yes, mostly because all the girls wanted to tell off-topic personal life stories, BUT, also b/c you can only force your brain to grow so fast and so much at one time. If all my courses were like that...well, I'd probably be a whole lot smarter, true, but it would have made college miserable at times for sure.

Anyway, the nicely wrapped up our conversation asking me where I attended. Of course, with this crowd, that meant, where do I attend church.

My articulate response of "la la la...er, um" --used to attend, but no longer do, yeah you know how it goes....drift was painful. I could see their bright Christian eyes, glimmering with hope as they stared down at me, proud to have found a lost little sheep they could Sheppard home. The woman (who I now realized was his wife) smiled and told me she would save me a seat at the following morning's service.

Thanks lady.

It was a very Jesus focused wedding ("Your first love is Christ. Through this love and this relationship you will become the person that will allow you to love others. Your second (romantic) love only exists in relationship to your faith in Jesus and your relationship with Him") As my dad whispered..."huh?" (good old agnostic, confused dad).

The father who gave a speech (let's be honest, a 1/2 hour lecture) also spoke of Jesus' love. This coming from the dad who gives his married eldest daughter a curfew of 10pm when she comes home to visit.

It was kind of fun to watch bride and groom. They are two very, nice, normal kids...well, who love Jesus. :) Haha, and the groom was just so excited to get some action, I know it. They have dated for just over four years so it is amazing to think that they have been together (and for years before that together as good friends, er they liked to shop together...did I mention I thought he was gay?)--and never probably even came close to making out. With a dad like that (who threatened "I will kill you if you touch or hurt my daughter" during their first "sit down") I doubt they got further than a chaperoned hold handing.

How exciting for them. It's amazing that you could come from a family like that who's scary dark side pops out occasionally and really turn out to be a nice normal kid.

I'm sorry if I'm being overly cruel to my good Christian friends. They were just so painfully condescending to me for so long that I am a little bitter about it all. They act like...you're either this horrible, diseased, terrible person or you're to be pitied or shaken because you've fallen of the path. Especially as a high schooler where I was about as "good" as a kid could get, it was terrible having these mothers make you out to be this awful influence on their nice, godly children.

Anyway, the wedding was nice because I got to see a lot of my old youth group crowd. I had a lot of really nice, special times with these people and it was fun to just be with a group of friends again. I loved going out in big groups, talking about anything and everything, analyzing movies, laughing about school and life and just being young. My old youth leader had gone on and became a minister. It was very special I'm sure to have your old youth leader, someone who was so important in your life as you changed and matured, then finally get to confirm your marriage union.

Although, as a I laughed to myself...he talked too fast during the ceremony (he does that when he's nervous). It was really good to see him. I remember, I had such a big crush on him. Here was this 26 year old, a beautiful, goofy "kid" trapped in a post college, almost Olympian swimmer's body. Whew. He took my breath away.

That's what I call a big draw to get 'em out to youth group ;) Haha, but, in all honest, I think it was Michael's honesty and big heart that did get me to come back. Sure, he was hot (that can't hurt, when your a 15 year old raging hormone) but he also made "god" fun. I was cautious and curious but he made me feel welcome and encouraged.

I never felt pressured by Michael. He was always very good to be supportive of everyone and their choices. To help open them up. Yes, he would gently press you to discuss the key issues of your faith and relationship but it was never...threatening. The mom's of the youth group...I'm scarred for life because of them, but Michael was always very patient. But, in fairness, I'm not sure how much he knew...really where I stood. I don't know if he thought I was a Christian as I came...if I became one in the process, or what he thought.

The group gossiped enough I'm sure if the mom's were talking he had to know.

I'm sure he would love to know that I am today, a believer in Advaita Vedanta, ah, but there's so much time to learn. What was awesome about seeing Michael again was his great sincerity in hearing about my life and where I was in my life. I mean, he seemed like he genuinely cared. That was very sweet and nice. I felt, when he turned and talked to me...not only did I have his full attention, but I felt his thirst to truly understand where I was.

What a great pastor he must be. I gave him my email so he could send me pictures of his kids (ahh, he's so goofy and silly, he must be a great dad!) since I have never met them (he moved shortly after I graduated from high school) and I would love to hear from him.

I would love to have someone to talk to about God.

After being with all these 'godly' people...I felt strangely reminiscent for the days that these people were my friends and life. I like how grounded they are. The 'true' Christians, they really are amazing people. And what I mentioned above, about being focused, about being passionate and driven, with goals--when god is your driving force, you do wonderful things.

And I want god to be a central part of my life. I wish He was something that I thought about constantly. I wish that I spoke of Her as if she were a real life human. I wish I prayed and meditated on how to become closer to Him. I liked all of that stuff. Sure, it's a little jarring b/c they're not like most people. ("Jesus" peppers their conversations on a constant basis, from joking, "If you didn't know Jesus, you'd be in jail by now!" to answering a question that had nothing to do with god such as, "Well, I'll just have to see how Jesus wants this to unfold and where he wants to lead me."

The problem is...I'm cool with God. I'm not all about 'Jesus.' I just don't...well, I don't buy it. I can't tell you who he is or what he did. I don't know and I don't care to speculate. I don't care to read different interpretations all which came from a time so long ago....that I don't see how you can expect me to put my faith in something that seems so unlikely.

Ultimately, I find the Christian god (and this may offend you) a bit, on the not so powerful side. I mean, out of anything my creative head can come up with (and it's not that creative)...the Christian faith is as good as it gets? That's a pretty pathetic go at it.

And you've got this completely outdated guide which no one agrees on, which appears to have plenty of its own contradictions. Full of stories, some of which we are to believe are literal, and others to be simple stories to help us understand a message...but all that to me might as well be meaningless when you have to base your total salvation on a barrier to god named Jesus.

With all that life has, in all parts of the world, we only have one opportunity to find God? It doesn't matter that we were all born into unique circumstances, impressions and teachings. It doesn't matter how we live our life.

I believe in faith, but I believe it because you know it. You know it. There are some things in your life that are so true you may not be able to explain it, but you know it. That is your faith. It's not based on some random, blind "ok, sure, I trust that" it's a feeling, that thrives, and beats and flows throughout your mind in body. When your soul comes alive...that is truth.

So, am I lying? Am I purposely denying Christ because I don't feel like it? NO! I simply don't believe it. I cannot claim to know it all. I cannot say that I've read the whole Bible (although I've read a hefty chunk of it). I can say that I've read enough to know that it isn�t happening. You go from something like trying to understand the Christian faith where it trips and fumbles through your brain because you're trying to make sense of something that screams no, to finding something like eastern religions, specifically, for me the philosophy track of Advaita Vendanta or even the simple truth out of a book which claims a simple man can speak to god....my heart sings.

My mind cries when it finally reads something that makes sense. I only know what I know and that is my faith. Do I think Christians are "wrong"? I think you follow things until you find anything that speaks truth. Christian ideals and the lifestyle that it asks you to take...I think there is a lot of truth in that. I think why I'm attracted to Christians in general is because I like their focus on god. Being that type of person...a good, honest person, that's very ideal.

I can fake a long with them pretty good and enjoy it. Not because I'm "faking" but in my mind, I replace god with what I know to be god. That works so-so...until you bring in Jesus, before you bring in hell, before you in bring in spreading your faith (which some how hints in desperation--help! SAVE THEM!)

Oh man�I just wrote for like another 45 minutes and hadn�t saved anything�and when I went to �send� it all erased.

Bummer.