7 August 2000

I miss music. Please tell me to get out my guitar, make up a tune on my piano, sing a song, create a beat. I miss guitar boy, I haven't talked to him in forever. It's good to surround yourself with people who are pure energy in their being. Jeffrey (guitar boy) has that awesome quality to him. His music is like this always constant force in him. It's awesome, I wish I had something like that.

Where's my force?

Where's my special talent? My special drive? My spectacular gift? Still looking.

I had a pretty bad Sunday. I mean, today looking back, it isn't so bad. It feels like an eternity away, it's over, and who cares, you know? I had to be at work by 9am to open up the restuarant. They have me up in the smoking section. I don't get a table for three hours.

I finally get a table. Then they leave, and it's sort of like that all morning. I'm incredibily bored, a co-worker Justin entertains me (he just talks, and talks and talks....). I make around 51 dollars for the whole morning shift. (I made 96 last sunday morning.) So the night time schedule comes out...and I'm not even on it. Who makes these things? I've worked Sunday nights since day one, when I signed on this summer!

So I tell a manager, and he tells me to ask one of the other doubles if anyone wants to go home. Bryan does. Well, I'd kind of want him to stay ;) But whatever, so I take his section (which is actually pretty great.) I'm still finishing up from my earlier section, and another girl, Heather comes up to me and drags me down into dry storage to tell me her sad story (she always has a sad story to whine about.) I usually just smile weakly and say, "yeah, i know..." So she's getting all huffy, saying everyone downstairs is pissy and her son is sick and she can't close tonight, because she wants to go home and be with him.

Can I?

Great, I'd love to close...I only opened the restuarant....

So my weak smile turned into a frown, and I sighed and said okay. I'm always up for a new experience right?

Usually when you close you make great money. Basically everyone has gone home and there are only three people waiting tables. I unfortunately was closing...in smoking. So there I was, in a dead section, for another couple of hours. A girl from non actually gave me one of her tables out of sympathy because I was falling asleep in the side station. It's bad enough being on a double, you're already tired, but it's so much worse when you don't have anything to do. It just makes you even more tired.

And that was basically my night. It wouldn't have been so bad staying there late. And even, not making any money (I made 95 dolllars--after tipping out--remember that's less than last week's morning) wouldn't have been *that* terrible, I suppose. But not only did I clean the upstairs, I had to clean up the kitchen later. I thought I was in my last job's hell. Cleaning up food areas...I seriously almost cried a million times. I was so tired, I just wanted to go home. I also didn't know how to do anything. I'm down in the kitchen, like a ditz at every step.

Where is the foil? What do I do with these? Where do I find lids? Where in the freezer? Towels? Sanitizer? I didn't know how to do anything. I wasn't in the mood for petty frustrations at that point of the night. I got home at 11:30. I should have made like 200 dollars for the day at least. Hmpf.

Face red from crying, I was just sick of it. I don't want to turn bitter or resent my restaurant, but an event like that can do it for me. I really can't stand that kind of cleaning. Like, I have no problem doing my dishes, or cleaning at my own house, but a whole restaurant kitchen like that...I just can't....I HATED my last job because of it. I can't be like that again. If they ever make me close, I mean just regularly scheduling me, I might cry.

I get home, Jeff has called. It felt so good, just to call and talk with him. We decide to get together and go to....Meijer. Sort of a random trip to go somewhere. It was kind of fun though, just wandering around and making jokes and messing with stuff. He ends up buying a couple of DVDs (this kid is addicted to 'em.) And we head back to his house. Watched the movie Rounders. I thought it was actually a pretty good movie.

Sex is so interesting. The way your whole self changes. All of a sudden your body is flooded. Emotions, thoughts, colors, smells, touch. Flood. Drowning.

Then all of a sudden you're thrown back into reality. Flood retreats.

You see people you've been physical with. You can't even try to remember, because it's not something you can. Remember things about it, the way you think you felt. But you can't feel the way you felt. Flooded. Blinded. Sometimes I'll be sitting beside a guy I've kissed, and in a flash I'll remember the things I've done with him. Losing yourself to the current, to the undertow, falling, falling, you're under.

I've had six guys who work with me ask me out in my year of working at my restaurant. All but one I would have genuinely said yes to. I've said no to all. I was dating Tim when I first worked there. I'm dating Jeff now. A guy, a bartender whom I've adored and flirted with since day one, named Beau, yesterday asked me out "for real" (we used to always joke about going out). We played some more, and I told him I was seeing someone. (Well that hinders things he said ;)

I'm more than happy with Jeff. But it's times like this that you still have that wonder feeling. I mean who knows, but I don't think Jeff is "the one." (Then again, I don't believe in there being a one anyway...) But you know, by turning down these other people, I feel like I'm limiting myself to getting to know others. It's like you can't start out a "friendship" when it's purely with sexual overtones. (It would be really weird for Beau and I to just go out together "as friends" because our whole backdrop has been this flirtyness--besides we don't have a group of mutal friends or anything like that.) It's one thing, if you're in a club together, or have class or something like that. You already have this mutual bonding force that keeps throwing you together. ...then maybe later something develops.

Oh well. I think I'm definitly a candidate for open relationships. Nothing could be more wonderful if you really could find yourself in a place without jealousy and total open honesty. This carefully wrapped web. Just don't get stuck.

I went to the gyncologist this morning. Well, scratch that, she's just a regular MD, but I've never been to her before. I've been with the same doctor who helped my mother give birth to me. Time for a change. I love this doctor. First off, it's nice to have a woman for a change. She was very nice and motherly feeling, which is comforting. I've gained eleven pounds since my last check up. It's really rediculous. I don't know. clothes fit the same. I could probably gain another 10 and still be "thin". I could probably lose 10 though and look good too.

I'd rather lose the 10 ;)

The whole exam...pap smear and such, was perfectly fine. I wasn't nervous or anthing going in, but I guess you never really know what to expect. All of a sudden she's talking to me, and oh hello she's giving me a breast exam. It felt so perfectly natural. I almost burst out laughing though, when I took my eyes off her face, and looked down as she showed me how to do a "proper" exam. It was like, woah, some stranger lady is giving my boob a massage. Thank goodness, I didn't laugh. I was already making stupid jokes to myself in my head, I can only imagine if I had a male doctor. Hey bebe...

The actual exam, not bad itself. A little uncomfortable.

I developed a rash last Thursday while I was in D.C. This is kind of gross, but anyway, I thought maybe my pad had just rubbed me wrong while I was sleeping, because it was kind of uncomfortable when I woke up that morning. But when I got home and went to take a shower, I was kind of "ahh! what is that?!"-ish. So I spent like over an hour researching herpes on the internet. Heheh. I didn't think I had herpes, but you know, rush to the worst idea. I figured it was just a rash. It's more on my thighs really than anything. But still.

As much as I like to think I'm fine and free from every getting an STD, I have to accept there is a risk. She said it was just a fungal rash. Should be gone in a couple days.

Yaa.