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funks, bonfires, and boys with girlfriends

11 October 2002

Well, school is going okay so far. I keep going back and forth on which classes I prefer or even like. I suppose I never really like any class ;) I am taking a voice class as my �fun class� but I find it to be a bit stressful�-as I suspected on some level. I really like the people in my class so that helps, but it does seem like every other girl in there has a naturally beautiful voice, and I am...in there because I really need some help singing! I mean, okay, no one in there will be signing any record deals or anything, but when someone says �sing any song by heart� to get up in front of class for the first time and you pick celine dion or whitney Houston�I�d say you have some talent! (I sang a song from church ;).


Jeff and I are okay. Same old, same old...I still feel like I need some space (to get my homework done!), but I don�t know how to go about it. I mean if I tell him �let�s just see each other tomorrow� he sounds so sad and disappointed and pleads with me to come over. And I like going over, and if it was summer, I probably would, but I�m ignoring my studies, and three weeks into a quarter is too early to stop doing work. It�s very frustrating. I kind of went into a �funk� this week.

It started on Tuesday. I was sitting in my voice class and I just...welled up. I wanted to cry right then. I wanted to bolt, actually. I had that sense of �fight or flight� and my whole body just wanted to run to the bathroom and not come back to class. The class�is very scary, because these other girls are just so talented, and I didn�t really feel like I had an �appropriate" song for the day. I ended up not having to sing the song, but when I left the class I felt very weak. I just wanted to cry.

When I went to work, I just wanted to cry. I felt like I had so much to do, and no time to do it and it was very overwhelming. It hasn't helped that my last couple of weeks at the restaurant have been just awful. I'd been making less than 25 dollars a shift (a server should AT LEAST make 50 dollars, or approx. 10+ dollars an hour). Pretty pitiful, and just a waste of my time. It's bad enough working nights when you need to be home doing schoolwork, but when you don't even make any money...it's just very frustrating. I ended up getting to leave early (without making one dollar). I appreciated the out, because I had a homework assignment (ahem, it was a paper I don't know who the teacher was kidding) due the next day and I had yet to start it.

Then looking for ideas I went to jeff's for help on the paper, and I just started bawling. It's hard to explain "funk" or depression, it's just like something feels wrong. And I suppose that's the best way to express it because it does, just feel like something is not right and you can't quite pinpoint it, but it makes you terribly tired and exhausted just with....everything.

And so, I cried, while my dear boyfriend just held me. And I knew I was being dumb, and "girl-like" for crying about nothing, over nothing, and letting it snowball (I'm crying, why am I crying? I don't know....(cry about crying over nothing). I wish I could stop (cry about being dumb, cry about crying in front of boyfriend). And then cry some more).

Very frustrating. When I was in HS I would go through bouts of feeling wrong and unsettled. I thought I was beyond all this youth angst, but perhaps there's still some left in me. It's an interesting pull, because I wanted to be comforted, I wanted my mom, but I also wanted to pull away from everyone and just pull myself in to a ball, and to hide from life and society. It's like you want to end. You just want to...stop.


And this sounds all melodramatic, I didn't want to kill myself or anything, I just wanted to cry. And be terribly tired, and to make it all go away. And I still don't know why I hit that funk.

And it kind of scares me that I don't know why I went through that couple of days of sadness. Why didn't I want to be with my boyfriend? What exactly was so wrong that those feelings overcame me? And will they appear again?


I went out tonight. There was a bonfire party. I knew...on some level that I wouldn't have fun (and I know that's a sabbotaging thought, but...). Having a boyfriend, and not being a big drinker, parties without the boyfriend, I mean...how could that be fun? But I kind of told myself this quarter that Thursday would be "girls night out" so here I was attending a party.

I heard there would be liquor, which I hoped would be the saving element. Okay so all my girls are hooking up, but I can just be happily drunk. BUT, we ran out of mixers real fast, so I was only able to get one mixed drink in me (small cups at that). So I attempted one beer, and actually made it through. After that, I was just real sober.

Real sober.

So, it's cold, everyone is kind of going off in pairs, I realize how "outsider-ish" I really am (Um, do I have any friends in this house?). It could be I'm a senior and all these girls are sophomores (hey, I was never friends with the seniors when I was a sophomore). I talked to one guy early on and it was pleasant enough. He knew some about me, and me to him, so I didn't have to worry about him hitting on me, because he knew I had a boyfriend.

I was just about to die from boredom and uncomfortableness (Girls were either drunk and dancing on park benches, or they were getting cozy with a guy around the fire--leaving me no where to go and just be bored) when a guy came up and asked me why I wasn't having a good time.

I think I just wanted to be bored.

But we talked for awhile, and I found out he had a girlfriend, which worked out so we could just talk the whole time and be totally cool with it all. But then he had to pee, which left me friendless so I had to go stand around a fire and hang out with girls I didn't know, and who really weren't talking about things I had interest in or related to me in any fashion. I felt like I was an intruder.

Sigh. When do the busses get here so i can go home?

Getting on the bus I felt like I was back in middle school or something. I really wanted a buddy so I wouldn't have to sit by myself. It's weird how sometimes I just get so self-conscious because usually I think I'm reasonably outspoken and sure of myself. But all of a sudden tonight, I just didn't feel all that confident. But I got on and sat by myself, and tried to pretend it didn't matter.

Finally a guy got on and he sat with me. He ended up being really nice and somewhat entertaining. My face hurt from smiling the whole time (and pretending to be interested). I kind of just wanted to lean back and stare out the window and dream. But it's all good; I practically got his whole life story on that bus ride home. I have no idea what his name is. And he didn't flirt/hit on me once. I don't know if I'm grateful or insulted.

Ergh.






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