23 May 2003

As usual either nothing is happening, or I'm too busy to hop on to talk about all that's going on. I guess I am right in the middle right now. I can't believe this quarter is wrapping up; my last quarter of college. I wonder if I'll ever be back. I would like to think so at some point, but to be honest I doubt I ever will.

It's not that I'm not driven or ambitious (although I could argue that I'm not ;) but I have a feeling I will do fine without the future education (either because I'll be happy where I end up) or I'll go so far and be so amazing and spectacular I'll be way beyond anything eduction could get be (superstar!) haha.

I recently attended my first "foam party." It was held at my boyfriend's fraternity house, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I figured it could be a lot of fun, sexy and wild (c'mon, I'm only going on what I've seen on E's "Wild On..." show ;) or it could be a disaster with everyone wandering aimlessly wondering, "what the hell am I doing dancing in soap?" But I liked it.

They didn't turn the foam on until there was a big crowd there so the area marked off for the foam never really got that high, because everyone was pounding it down with their feet. I think it's supposed to get to chest level, but ours never got higher than above the knee. It was still fun, though, because you feel so goofy, and so in turn it brings out this silly side in people. I mean everyone who actually ventured in looked like they were having a good time. I know I couldn't stop smiling.

Of course, my boyfriend was spinning, so I was hearing all my usual faves and new progressive house tunes, so it was only better for me. Although I heard later people were asking him to play rap,etc. so he was disappointed. It's too bad the whole techno thing didn't pick up more. It's funny, because people who don't listen to it think it's boring, or it all sounds the same...or the worst...you can't dance to it. But if you listen to it, there is so much going on, so many layers that are contributing to making those sounds.

I love it. :)

I saw Third Eye Blind on Wednesday. Too bad, I heard them last year at a large venue playing with Goo Goo Dolls, and I remembered them saying they wanted to open the place when their new album came out [this] year...but not so. They were playing at this pretty small place, but I didn't mind it, I liked it better, because I had a better view.

I thought the sound could have been better. The guitar/bass were completely taking over their voices. Also, I didn't remember them being this huge hard rock group, but it kind of appeared that way at the concert. We had moshing, crowd surfing, etc. That's not what I was expecting. But, it was the first time I ever got drunk at a concert so I was having a good ol' time either way.

I was happy, they played my favorite song from their first album "I want you"

which I was *really* surprised about. I used to play that song over and over again. I don't mind going to concerts but I think they're a lot more fun if you can sing a long with them. Part of the problem is that I'm terrible with lyrics, so the only time I ever know a song's words is if I actually sit down to memorize the song.

Semi-charmed Life happens to be one of those songs. I remember I tried listening to the song over and over again off my recorded copy from the radio, and the lyrics I came up with were pretty off. Finally, I went online and pulled them up, and sat and listened to the song a million times. But, I still can sing you the whole song without the music or anything. They played it as a finale, and drunk by that time, I sang my heart out.

I went alumna in my sorority on Monday. Yaaa! I was a little hesitant in going, only because I felt awkward being "honored" by people, most who didn't know who I was. The ceremony was uninspiring as usual. Our ritual chair is terrible, and until we get one that really cares our house it is going to continue to suck.

Unfortunately, it's one of those positions you don't ever think about applying for initially, because it doesn't look all that fun. By the time you're old enough to respect and appreciate everything your sorority stands for...you're on your way out, so it's too late. I wouldn't mind being an advisor to a chapter. Perhaps that's something I'll do for my community once I've graduated.

Working at the YWCA made me realize something. There are all these amazing people donating their time and energy to these projects that the Y stands for and it's pretty inspiring. I've found that most of my "volunteer" service has been done under poor motivation. Either I was forced to do it as credit for something, or I did it because I was getting something out of it (like putting it on a resume).

I think volunteering if you really put your heart into it, I think there's a lot to gain. I think life...sometimes gets scattered between these obligations, whether spoken or implied. You live simply to buy things to show others, to prove yourself or something, but what does it really mean?

I hope I can find a CWG group wherever I go. And if I can't...that is something I could definitly see myself starting. But more than that, I think what you put into "life" is what you get out of it. I will hopefully find a job, something that I like, and pays enough to live comfortably. I hope Jeff and I are able to start a family, be together, and have a healthy, happy marriage. And if not with him, then with someone. I hope I have good friends, that I don't lose, and grow old with.

But somewhere in that, I hope I can take the time out of my life to get involved in my community. Not so I can say "look at what a good person I am" but because I get something personally satisfying out of helping others. Is this getting too cheesy? Sorry, maybe it's the music I'm listening to. I'm feeling pensive all of a sudden.

I have....doubts about Jeff and I sometimes. I know that's normal, but it's hard, because there are no guarantees. Especially with my sister and her cold feet concerning her upcoming marriage in October, I feel myself mirroring her. Is this what I want? Is he what I want?

I love him so deeply. He is not just my best friend, or my boyfriend, he is a part of me. Our identities are gone and have been replaced with this 'us' with this unit. Without him at this point, would be a shock, a loss so great...not only would my routine be disrupted (which seems insignificant to bring up, but looking at the whole, seeing him every evening, it's a huge chunk of my everyday), but this source of happiness, support, growth...life. Not that I would shrivel up into a ball of nothingness without him...he is not the "cause" that creates me, the "effect," but simiply he contributes to so much of who I am right now...it would be weird. I would be very alone and lost for a long time.

I think right now it is confusing. I am feeling the pressure of post-graudate-ism. What are you going to? What do you want to? Where are going?. I don't know. I'm not sure I would have it planned out without Jeff either, but right now I know he's "holding me back." I am very hesitant to make any plans for the future, because I am unsure of what he's doing.

I want to get out of this city, ASAP, but Jeff? I think eventually he would like to get to a major city, but I don't think he has the sense of urgency that I am experiencing. I know how I work, if I stay here, I will get comfortable and I will not want to leave. If I get a "real" job, chances are I'll want to stick around. I know what Jeff's thinking. When I ask him he gets real huffy. I'm sure he's sick of the probing he gets from his parents and everyone else about what he's going to do post-graduation, but I wish he would just sit down and try to figure some of it out.

I am very goal-orientated. I love "to-do lists." They help keep me concentrated and focused. I tend to be lazy in general, but if I have a gameplan set up I know i will succeed. Initially I wanted to get out of state by September (I didn't want to be here when school started back up again), but with some thought I realized that may be unrealistic. Now my "deadline" is Januaray. I want out by then, and I don't know if Jeff is agreeing to that or not.

Also, Heidi is also graduating and looking for jobs. She has expressed the same interests I have...moving to a big city, preferrably warm. I would love to live with Heidi. Infact, it feels good to think about having a friend in a new city, it makes the shock of it all seem less. I know moving is going to throw my life into craziness. I don't really know what it will feel like, but I know it's going to be a really hard adjustment. I have a hard time thinking about it, because I've never lived away from home not really.

I see my parents at least once a week, usually more. I've "lived on my own" but not really. Not without student loans, and not with my parents helping out in someway (ahem, all of my medical needs). Sure, I'll pay the co-pay and schedule my own appointments,pay for my Rx, etc. but I'm used to all that being taken care of for me.

At this point, I feel really stuck. I want to start looking for a job...but not here. I can't start looking for a job out of state, because I don't know what state I'll end up. I don't see why I should have to wait for Jeff to make the decision. The only thing...is that Jeff has an actual skill, and I think once he gets his portfolio together he should have some pretty good options as far as work goes. True, I don't think anything will fall into his lap (just like it won't for most people), but I think he definitly has an up on the job market over me and a lot of other people.

At first I didn't mind waiting for him to send out his stuff and see what he got back....but he's not doing anything! I know he's busy with school, but when is he going to do his portfolio? Jeff is a lot like me, and I'm scared a year from now he'll still be fooling around and I am so anxious to get the hell out of here it's driving me crazy.

He once told me he would follow me.

Should I take the risk and see if he will?