15 June 2001

So a week after finals and guess what I'm having?

Post anxiety atttacks? The last few days in a row I've been having finals nightmares. Anything from, I forgot to drop a class that I signed up for....but never attended (and I just realized it the day before finals), to not knowing where the final is, or finding out I did a final completely wrong following its completion. I'm going crazy, and I'm sick of dreaming about spanish. The spanish based ones remind me of the 'night before the test' dreams, because I had studied so much, my dreams would partly be in spanish....except often, it wouldn't be real spanish...it'd be gibberish, and it would be a repeating, frustrating dream, and just plain all over UGH.

Which is exactly what I'm feeling now. Finals are over, now please go away!

I had a waste of a day yesterday. I mean the six hours I was awake during the afternoon, I did manage to buy some shoes for work, go to the library, and take a DQ trip for icecream, but once I arrived home I slipped back into bed, and didn't wake until 10pm! (Perhaps disgusted with the (spanish final) dream I was having during those four hours, I decided to get up.) I was waking up, and my dad was heading to bed! ;)

I was supposed to go into work to eat, or so i told Jeff. I felt bad not going, because I hate when you're trapped somewhere and have that expectation all night long, but it's never fulfilled. Leaves you disappointed, even though whether I came or not in itself isn't a big deal.

I decided to at least make use of my night, and didn't head to bed until around four. That's not a good habit, and I hope I kick it soon. I'd rather go to bed around 2:30 and get up around 10:30 than the sleep at four, and get up at noon or one thing. Haha, I've only had to work four times so far and just having yesterday and today off is the nicest feeling!

Although, I did enjoy my first day of "real" serving, on my own. No real mistakes (I kind of blundered through the vocal "special of the day" at the beginning) but it was nice to seem to have a handle on the computers and the whole way things are done at the restaurant. Having previous experience definitly helped *a lot*. Tips weren't exactly fantastic, but I'm sure with a full section and a good night things will go fine. I work again this Saturday, so that'll be interesting. A "rush" on a Wednesday opposed to a rush on a Saturday is a whole 'nother thing. I will also be handling more tables than I had Wednesday. I'm sure it'll be fine, just a bit panicky in the middle. :)

I need to go through a whole week to see what I'm averaging in tips to know if i need to get another job or not. I guess, what I really need to decide is how much money I want to have (and when I need/want to have it) so I can buy a car. Of course, if I could manage to purchase a car (before) the summer ends, that would be fantastic! But if the original plan holds (end of summer) that'll be okay as well...as long, as it actually gets follow through. I have four thousand now.

Hey D-landers, any suggestions on any models I need to stay away from (or any that are reliable in their age?) I'm going for '96+, four-door, under 10K. I'm pretty easy to please, huh? After driving minimally w/ a car that has no defrost, no ac/heat, no radio, sounds like a lawn mower, spews black dust everytime I press "go", leaks oil constantly and sucks up gas as if that was its only purpose.....Oh did I mention, likes to stall out at red lights occasionally? Or even better....as I'm pulling out in front of someone the accelerator stops working? Yeah.....So good gas milage, as well as the two requirements above and I'll be good to go.

And good lord, you'd hope to think that a '96 could have all that and more. ;)

I'm getting kind of bored with Jeff--not bored like I want to get out--in fact, usually when I fantasize I'd think about another guy coming on to me, and somehow overpowering my love to Jeff (or whomever I was dating) and I'd secretly go have an affair with this "other guy". But last night....I couldn't even think of another guy to capture me away, and more importantly, I didn't want anyone to. (Was that the most random tangent or what?)

But basically, I feel....married. Which really isn't a bad thing, because if you're going to get used to being with someone for a long time, I think you do kind of have to get in that "married" groove. Only in the sense that....we don't do anything often times but enjoy just having the other beside us, and I feel the need to call him everyday or something's missing. Like if we're just going to be sitting around, I think we both want to have the other sitting around with us. Also, we're getting to that I know you so well stage that.....he can tell from a look or the tone of voice of what I'm about to say. Like when I was going to tell him about my grades--he stopped me before I could begin, and started joke yelling, "Don't even tell me, you got all A's and you complained the whole quarter how terrible you were doing in your classes...." And er, he was right! Or even when I was about to tell him how my mom found out that I had done e all I had to say was, "I have a story for you..." and he could tell from my face that it had to do with my mom! ;)

Just things like that, or I can tell from how he's acting or talking what's up. It's kind of....cool, actually. :) We're just so close, and he really is my absolute best friend. My mom is worried and says I need to develop some better relationships with some girls. I think she's right, because I need to accept the fact that there's always a risk that something will happen between Jeff and I and he might not always be there for me. (Wait--this sounds like a youth group lesson, "but god always will be there for you." ;)

But in away, exactly. And I'm still talking to God, and I almost....while I may not call my girls first when I feel like doing something, I've got a whole house of sorority sisters to fall back on. Super six is still my posse, and I think next year living with Heidi....we're going to get really close--I already consider her my "best girl friend". It is strange though....to think about doing anything one-on-one with super six, because there's always at least three of us together. Like for me to just call up Kristin and do something with her....that would seem kind of awkward to me. And the thing about that is, if you can't do that.....then how good of friends are you? On the otherhand, I can tell you all about her life story, and exactly how her personality works and what not...I mean, I'm not "right on" as I am with Jeff, but we *do* know each other pretty well. Just, maybe we're missing some of those closing emotional bonds, or mutual self-discoverings that close friends are made of.

It really comes down to vulnerablity. How vulnerable have I ever been with Kris? The closest to that, was crying and thrashing out over spanish homework. The wasn't exactly a mutual bonding session. ;)

But back to Jeff, maybe it's having thought about the fact that we have been together for a year, I want to ensure a quality relationship; I don't want us to ever be stale. And yeah we still call each other giddily everyday to rehash the days events, make love like it's the best time of our lives (and maybe our last time ;) and there's no doubt when he tells me he loves me that he's not saying it out of routine, but because at that moment of confession it's overwhelming him into saying it--and that's how it is for me. I am constantly reminded how much I like this boy, and it just hits me. He is so important to me, he's so...almost a part of me. Not that he is...me, but who I am involves my relationship to Jeff.

And that's a pretty scary thing. But it's so completly beautiful, because I know that I am a part of who Jeff is as well. After building a year of ourselves with each other...it's hard not to incorporate the other person into your life. Not into your life, but as a place in your life. As your life.

I'm not saying this guarantees a place forever. I think Jeff and I are exactly on the same level of how we feel about the now and future. It's hard to imagine him not there, but I'm willing to accept the truth that there may come a time where life leads us in different directions or different desires for what we want. And at that time, we may end up going our separate ways. And that is so hard to even type, because I can feel that place in my heart just welling up, and my eyes watering because I don't want to ever lose him, I don't want to....be with someone else.

As we get closer to the end of our college careers (assuming we are still together ;) it'll be interesting to see what happens. All along I've kind of thought that if he moved somewhere...I'd follow him and find a job there as well. But that's because he has a drive and a real raw talent for what he's in. On the otherhand, I'm still clueless as to what I want, and where I want to go.

But. I must remember that I still have two years left. I still have two years that will heavily submerge me into the world of communications, and perhaps I'll find a drive, a love, a real talent for something, and what if through my own connections from there, *I* am offered a job that I really want somewhere......

And it's not where Jeff is headed.

But I'll worry about that, if/when the time ever comes. Jeff is the first person I've ever let myself consider a future...with him definitly being there. It used to make me uncomfortable to plan anything longer than a week into the future that I'd be doing with my significant other. Here it's like, we talk about what WE will be doing for this event or that weekend, or next spring break. Kind of nice (but scary) at the same time. :) You don't want to get too ahead of yourself. Expectations breed unhappiness.

So last night I started deep cleaning my room. I didn't get very far. Everything is *so* messy, and cluttered, it's disgusting. I have too much "stuff" that *could* be useful, but I don't necessarily use it on a regular basis (but someday could?) I'm a keeper...it's hard for me to let things go, or throw something away. Especially with my memory, it's like anything that can help trigger something, I want to keep it around. My desk is a mess and I need to find a place to keep my "stuff" so a closet cleaning out is definitly in order.

I'm gonna go grab some breakfast. bye.