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gotta go

01 March 2002

Ah March.

I can't believe my winter quarter is almost over. This one went really fast. Grade wise I'm not sure how I'll do....I'm definitly not seeing another 4.0 anytime soon. ;)

Next quarter...doesn't sound like very much fun. None of the classes even sound like they will be interesting. They're all either classes I have to take, or the only class left that I wasn't blocked out of or could work within the time frame I have.

I'll have a 4 hour class on Thursday! I mean, it's only one day a week, but still, that's crazy. And since it takes such a huge chunk out of my time, i couldn't schedule any other tues/thurs. classes....So the good news, is that I don't have any Tuesday classes. :)

I also don't have Friday classes. And I only have two on Mon, Wed. They start at 9:30, but oh well. Should be interesting...I've never had *two* days without school before. I don't know if I'll just waste away the whole day, or if I'll actually study during it. I guess it depends when Jeff has classes....becuase if his don't start until late afternoon, I'll likely just sleep in with him everyday! ;)


So I spent five hours straight last night, right up til 3am working on this website for my visual communication class. I'm actually reasonably proud of it. It's nothing super great, but ten times better than how it originally started looking. I'll have to bust out my skills, now that i'm learning these new programs and re-design this d-land site. I've always had ideas....but now i'll actually know how to put them into action. :)

Jeff and I are...good, but I don't know. The whole not having sex thing hasn't been mentioned, but since we weren't having sex....i'm sure it was on the back (or front!) of his head, because it was definitly contributing to my worries. I'm tired of worrying about it. But it does make me second guess the relationship.

The thing is, is that I think that's just how I am. I don't think it has anything to do with Jeff...so even if Jeff and I would break up and move on...eventually I'd probably find myself in a long-term committed relationship, er, not having sex anymore.

It's not that we never have sex, it's just infrequent. And the problem before was we were acting a lot more like friends, then boy/girl friends. I think this time around, while we've lacked in sex, we have not lacked in affection. And of course now i'm on my period, so it's like another week upon a previous week of no sex.


It's not that I don't like sex, or that I'm not attracted to Jeff anymore...I just lost my drive for it. And occasionally I'll have my moments, but in general, i'm perfectly content with the relationship as is. But knowing that it is (or possibly is) bothering Jeff, is making me constantly worry and stress about the situation, making it not very fun....or content to stay where we are.

And the fact was, he did notice last time when we weren't "doing it". And I don't think he expects us to have wild crazy sex everynight, but we should probably be having sex a few times a week....seeing as i spend the night there everynight.

And I think that may be an issue as well. Although I always want to see him, I think maybe we shouldn't spend everynight together. It's hard to stay "fresh" when you do the same thing every single night. Also, I feel obligated to go over there, and if i'm not done with my homework (and i'm often not) I'll just ignore it, and try to get it done before class.

I had two pop quizzes this week in separate classes...in which I was trying to finish up my reading (which the quizzes cover) the few minutes before class started. And that's not good. I just get more behind, and more sloppy, and then when it comes down to studying for a midterm....

I find myself making flash cards or still reading the chapters a few hours before the test. That's terrible study practice, and when I get poor grades back, I can obviously see what i did wrong.

I used to tell myself that if I went to every class, and did all the reading and studied for everything, I would accept whatever grade I got. That way, I would have no one to blame. I couldn't feel bad about trying my hardest even if that means I got a lower grade than i would like. Obviously, it was frustrating for me to get a C+ in my second writing course (my only C)....in a class I would consider myself "good" at (i always thought I would do bad in the math/science classes...not writing, of which I really like!).

But I did all I could in that class. I even went to the teacher's office hours. Eventually, I came to accept the fact that i was one of the youngest writers in the class (I was a sophomore and almost everyone in there was a senior--there were even a couple grad students!!) and since she graded by giving so many students A's, B's, and so on, I just wasn't at the same writing level as the other students.

oh, gotta go! Last year I was realizing how everything was going right in my life. Two years ago I had just finished my "hell week".






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