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Sexual dreams, a (gone fishing) spirituality and confusion over Jeff

27 July 2004

I've had sexual dreams for the past two nights. It's kind of fun and confusing when that happens. I think that kind of intimacy when expressed through a dream is a little disturbing because it can reset your mind. It's a lot harder to understand reality when you've experienced something that is so personal and emotional (even if it didn't "really" happen).

I remember being in middle school and i had this dream I made out with another boy at school. The guy I "made out" with was a complete jerk; a semi-cool guy who constantly picked on others. He wasn't even that good looking and I couldn't figure out the attraction some girls had for him. But then....to out of no where had this dream.

I actually experienced embarrasment when I saw him next. I remember I sat beside him during a math class and I felt really uncomfortable because the sensation of being with him was so vividly burned into my memory from the dream it really felt like it had happened.


Jeff and I were "fighting" on Saturday. I went to bed really early. I was sick to my stomach and felt like a deep and hushed sweep of sadness had taken up residency in my heart and body. Even my mother commented during dinner how sad I looked. My brain felt thick like syrup even though it was racing with so many thoughts and feelings.

I knew I had a week of pained sadness to greet meet when I would wake up the following day. I was actually giving myself heartburn from the concern.

And then! I had this fabulous dream about us. We were in this house or apartment or somewhere I had never been but I knew it was "ours." It had great wood paneled floors everywhere and we were showering together and making love afterwards.

I felt...romantic when I woke up. I haven't felt romantic in a really, really long time.. It was strange, I felt completed lifted of my sadness. I even felt...happy and [spirited?] at work. I went to see Jeff that night but it wasn't good. I knew he was upset...although, it was ME who had been angry on Saturday (of course, I once again get to feel bad about actually showing *my* feelings!).

I wanted to see him, but it didn't seem to matter. We watched a television show and he wouldn't let me touch him or lay on him. Or, I guess I could touch him, but there was no response (and he did deny me when I asked if I could lay my head on his shoulder). Usually too, if we're hanging out we'll lounge together. This was cold and unfriendly. We sat on the same couch but on separate ends. Not really talking, or if so it was "yes-no." Finally, I just left.

Then last night I had this crazy dream. I was on this mission and there were people after me (I frequently have this dream--it's not necessarily scary, more intense, like I'm on a mission--think James Bond, except I'm the "main character.") Anyway I had to destroy this person/house. It was my last duty on this job (after having accomplished some smaller feats during the dream). And as I was creeping over to this house someone began to sabatage me.

The person was calling attention to the fact I was trying to sneak in by making noises and putting me in the spotlight. I somehow....knew the person that was doing it. He was kind of like, he was an enemy, but I didn't necessarily feel threatened by him. Almost, like we respected each other, for our own power and position and even enjoyed the game of competing against each other? Sort of like how he was trying to sabatage me, instead of just killing me.

He was incredibly good looking. Charming but terrifying at the same time. And I went back, crawling through this window to where he was to face him and he attacked me. But while it was violent it was incredibly passionate. He kissed me, but he was forcing me to kiss him (but, while I was struggling to get away, I wasn't really struggling against the sexual energy between us).

Okay Freud how about this next part....he has this huge penis and I'm just going to town, giving him head. And the satisfaction of this act....it was very raw, and passionate and both he and I enjoyed it. And then we were having sex and I mean, the opposite of vanilla, just fucking like crazy and I then I looked up and his eyes flashed red--kind of like, I realized I was having sex with the devil? And he flashed me this (excuse the pun) "devilish" smile that was charming, sexy....and downright creepy all at the same time.

And I woke up, it not even being 2:30 in the morning yet and I felt completely confused. I was aroused and just all messed up. This guy...was so amazingly good looking but when his eyes flashed red, it was (obviously) disturbing. Lol, okay any takers on what this means? You may analyze here.

Okay, ok, I know other people's dreams are really boring and don't make any sense but going down on the devil had to at least make you chuckle, right? Lol.....ah.


I am feeling....like I really need to sit down and have a talk with myself. The kind of talk that looks into your heart and your future and it's a pretty scary place to go when you haven't checked it out in a long time. I think people that are involved with religion are happier overall because they are in a constant dialogue with themselves ("god"). They are creating who they are and driving reality to who they want to be. Prayer is amazing and I wish I could find a place to have some of the fellowship where I could put my faith and spirituality in a higher bracket of priorities in my life.

I did enjoy the fellowship of youth group in high school and being with similar "good kids." But, you know, at some point it does get pretty defeating when you don't believe in that religion and especially when people start telling you (or essentially doing so) that you're going to hell. Which, I don't appreciate, but hey, I understand their concern for me, if that's what they think.

It doesn't help that Jeff doesn't talk about "that stuff" at all. The little bit we have thrown out there was incredibly awkward. After going through a hellish split with some of the youth group kids (cough, cough, their parents) I am simply exhausted trying to defend my thoughts or not burying my head when I start getting the crazy looks. When it comes to religion I would be happy to explain my thoughts, my feelings, my beliefs, my faith. BUT, not to someone who is in no position curious or willing to listen to something that is not exactly how they see it.

I find, talking with people that were brought up in the Christian faith, whatever the focus, and continues to believe....it's practically out of the question for us to have a reasonable conversation. They leave thinking at best that I'm crazy and at worst that I'm a poor lost soul that the devil grabbed some where along the way. I don't leave feeling any differently except that I don't want someone (and especially a friend) to think I'm weird/crazy or damned/lost.


I think I'm doing myself a real disservice by not being with someone who is spiritually not on the same page as me. It should be the most important aspect of myself and my personality, and instead it gets put aside (on a good day) and buried (on a bad day, ahem, week, month, year...). I think, I would be a much happier person if I could grow in my faith and my relationship with God if I were with someone who I could talk with, learn from, and be supported by.

I suppose I haven't given Jeff a chance since I haven't really shared with him fully what I believe. But in our few conversations that touched on 'God' it was not a comfortable, namaste feeling. It was, me feeling instantly not at ease, and crouched ready to bolt. Talking with a Christian about eastern philosophies and life is a terrible, not fun struggle. We both hit walls and everyone leaves feeling frustrated. You've got, so many things riding in what a person believes that it's practically impossible to come to some understanding.

The best I've been able to do with my friends is to just let it go. It's sad, because for some of my friends that are strong, practicing Christians, and it's obviously still a big part of their life--how do you just ignore that? You do and you kind of tiptoe around issues if they somehow come up.

I am thankful, that my best friend from high school was willing to accept me. From someone that believes so strongly and has such an awesome faith, to be accepted and loved as a friend, whether I believed in the Christian faith or not....it means so much. <>.

She may not really understand exactly what I do believe, other than it's not in The Bible, she is still there to love and support me and it's good to have friends that aren't there to judge but to simply be there and let the judging to others. She has certainly made an effort to bring me in to the circle of knowledge that she has, but never threatened hell and doom and instead respected my own relationship with God, even, acknowledging that I *did* have one (which many others deny).

I don't know why it is such a cruel slap in the face when people deny you of your own faith. It doesn't change anything you believe or know. But somehow knowing that people you care about think you are so completely removed from God--I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone and I feel bad for people who don't believe in anything. So I certainly don't want their pity. Not when I don't think I need it or deserve it.


This wasn't supposed to be a rant about religion. This was supposed to be a talk about getting "real" with yourself. I am concerned that Jeff and I shouldn't be together. And those thoughts, those words make my whole world come crashing down.

I feel lost. Alone. Scared.

Really, really scared. I don't even know where to start. I can't believe Jeff doesn't have some of the concerns that I have. I don't think you can be in a relationship and really be that blind to what each other are feeling.

I don't know. I know, we need to talk. But I'm scared to have that conversation. I don't even know where to start or what to say. I know there's something wrong and sad in my heart. I know I don't get excited to see him. But I do love him. I don't want to throw this relationship away based on some feeling that was created by two people just getting too comfortable in a relationship.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what is truth. I'm confused on who I am and what I want. I don't know.

I'm scared to lose him. I am in a city where I don't want to be. I am living with my parents! One best friend is in Dallas. My other is in New York. My job is here in the midwest.

Everything....everything I am is wrapped up in this relationship I have with Jeff. I don't think that's a bad thing as scary as it sounds to say it aloud. I have always become elements of the friends I have had. Especially my best friend. I have trouble getting close to people....I don't know if I worry about getting hurt or what it is, I've never really acknowledged it. I simply have a low need to be REALLY social. I like downtime. I like reading and thinking and just letting my imagination flow. I do like being with people and interacting and feeding off the energy of outgoing and fun personalities.

But I've always been the type to invest in one really good friend. This is someone that I click with on so many levels...that somewhere in nature it just was right. And so few people are really like that. There are *plenty* of people I like and get a long with. And there could probably be that many more that I could REALLY like and enjoy but I don't take the time to find them. I really give myself to people.

And don't just give yourself to anyone and everyone. I think some people do...and they like it, and it's good and that's what they should do! I think some people do and they probably don't ever feel really satisfied or really close to anyone, and I don't think they should. But I am someone who really....loves. And I know it can be really unhealthy because you get so wrapped up in a relationship--and I'm talking about girlfriends not boys...just people I commit myself to. And I share with them myself. I can be as silly and goofy and weird and open as I want to be.

These are people that I trust won't judge me. I mean, I know we all judge, constantly, but it will never, I will never give someone up based on anything I learn (er, okay maybe if they were a closet killer or something) because...that's what friends do. They recognize your imperfections and accept them if not even embracing them as the unique parts that make up their friend.


I don't know what to do about Jeff and I. I love him but I know it's not good right now. I know I'm really bored and....I don't feel sexually turned on by him at all. And god, it hurts my heart so much to say that. I just...I mean, I do find him attractive and I feel safe and comforted in his arms and it's not like a "hey, you're my brother" kind of a love but....I don't think....

I think we're probably both missing something. I'm sure I'm not giving him what he needs. And I know he's not giving me what I need to feel that type of attraction. I am really thirsty for his affection and I'm not getting it.

I feel...he doesn't make me feel wanted or important. He may say "come over!" but when I do, something's missing. I'll come over and he'll be on his computer. If he's even the one to open the door he usually doesn't even greet me. He'll just walk back to his computer and do whatever he's doing. And if I'm the one who finds him at his computer, he doesn't even acknowledge me. He doesn't stop what he's doing...in fact, half the time, it doesn't even seem like he's wrapping up whatever he's doing. I will frequently, sit there beside him, or try to get his attention my kissing his neck or rubbing his back.

Eventually, I will find myself to their family room and watch tv or read a newspaper until he decided to finish whatever the hell he was doing. How is that supposed to make me feel? I've told him a thousand times that I need to be kissed...*really* kissed to get in the mood and he practically ignores my lips.

Well he doesn't kiss me. And i'll be honest, lately, the thought of him touching me has actually been turning me *off.* I feel, disgusted.

How's that for a sign that something is wrong?

(Sigh)






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