04 October 2001

I'm horny.

Completely random hornyness. Do you ever get that in class (or anywhere else not appropriate). And I don't think anything triggered it. I'm just sitting here thinking, wondering if I can masturbate or if my roomie would walk right in on me...

Perhaps it's because my night class tonight was sooo boring, I was doing the whole "fantasize" thing to stay awake. Whoo, haven't had to do that since econ class. I'm not sure why I ever attended econ, the info went right over my head, and I basically went to say I went, but then just sat there and made out with guys in my head. Or you know what I mean.

So tonight I was thinking about going to a party and I'm pretty partied up and some girl is playing with my hair, and we just start kissing right in the middle of a hallway. I wonder if a girl kiss is real soft, or if it's just like kissing a guy.

I had a d-land email wondering if I had ever described myself. I don't think I ever have. I'm not sure if I want to. I guess it's part of having some mysterious identity, but on the other hand, since I don't abbreviate names or give fake ones, I suppose if you ever stumbled upon my page and you knew me in real life, you could right away figure out who I am. Which is kind of creepy.

Especially with the ubiquitous google search. I swear, you could type in any damn word from sex to carrots and it'd somehow link back to me. I'm not sure what would be worst...my friends finding this...or one of my parents!

But I try to stay true to myself. While it may be hard to pull away from an entry (say if I stumbled upon one of my friend's diaries) and look at it as a charged, random flow of thoughts...that's really all this is. I could badmouth someone, and not really feel like that. I mean, I may point out some moment of truth, but it's not the whole truth. It's like if you stepped into one of my dreams, and walked away thinking you had the whole picture. This is just a thought, then boom, it's printed and saved forever, but a thought...is just a thought.

I guess, what I'm trying to say, is that every time I read a sex entry or I recall a moment where I've said something that makes me feel kind of ashamed of myself...it was still a moment of me, and I don't want to have to censor myself. This is for me. I hope you enjoy it, but it is after all, for me.

And, if you'd care to know, I'm about 5'9, 130, a little above shoulder-length layered blond hair, oval face, and hazel eyes. You've heard me shamelessly talk about myself, and I can admit I've got something of an ego at times. But I don�t think I�m the best thing around and I think I�m rather conservative most of the time.

Okay, well that was last night�Jeff ended up calling me so I went out with him. I went to a bar, had to pay five dollars to get in, stood around for 5-10 minutes, then all the guys decided they were going to go to another bar. Great.

Fortunately, Jeff was practically broke by this point, so he said he didn�t want to go to the next bar. I figured I wouldn�t go even if he did. I wanted to see him, because I�ve got two parties this weekend with other groups so I wouldn�t get to spend as much time with him. I don�t mind hanging out with his friends, but I�m sorry if that makes me �not cool� if I won�t drink in a bar. I�m not 21, and I don�t want to get arrested. And sure, people do it all the time, and are fine. But people get caught all the time too. Everyone knows someone who�s been arrested for under-age, and it�s dumb to think, �It won�t happen to me.� I very rarely drink at a bar, and it would suck if I got caught at one of the few occasions that I have. It makes me uncomfortable, and it would be a stupid thing to be arrested for. My mother knows I drink (although, she�d much rather not think about it, I�m sure.) But I swear to her every time I don�t drink at bars, and I�m safe within a person�s house.

That wouldn�t exactly go over to well if I then got caught at a bar. It is a lie�because I�ve done it before, and I probably will again. But I drink at a bar like three times a year. I just plain don�t like doing it.

So we are walking back to his house, and I�m telling him I want to hang with him, because I�ll be doing other things this weekend�with a TG Friday and then football with my sisters Saturday. I�m telling him about the Friday party and how we are going to have a �case race� with one girl and a guy teamed up. And I know what a �case� is, but I was thinking a 12 pack when I signed up. The fact that it�s a 24 is just plain ridiculous. I was going to probably not make it through 6 with a 12�let a lone even imagining getting through a 24. That�s also not really realistic to expect a guy to drink that much either. So I think it�s a dumb contest, and now that I know we�re going to have liquor (I hate beer) I�m not sure if I really want to participate. So I�m rambling all this off to Jeff, and he gets real quiet, and it�s basically a quiet walk back to his place, and he�s pretty distant at his house too.

He climbs right into bed, and kind of goes into a corner. I don�t really know what�s up. I know he�s had a lot to drink, but I�m kind of put off that he called me up, when I was studying (er, okay writing this entry, but I was going to study afterwards ;) and instead I wasted my money on a bar I didn�t want to go to, and then to come over and watch him ignore me and go to sleep?

So I watch TV for a while and consider going downstairs to talk to one of the guys in the house, but decided against it, and finally kind of climbed on top of Jeff and was like �hey, wake up!� I told him that I thought I would leave.

It felt weird saying that. And I wasn�t sure if I really wanted to go or not. I guess I was awake, but at the same time, I knew my roomie would be asleep in our room anyway, so what could I really do, even if I did go back to the house? Also, if I came back that would be weird on too many counts. I�d probably feel empty and sad and start crying or some other girl-like thing, and everyone would think we had a fight, and maybe Jeff would think we were in a fight, and maybe it�d develop into one (not like we really fight�) but I didn�t really feel like laying there and being wide awake. So finally he kind of wakes up, and I decide I�m not gonna go, because I�d probably just go to sleep anyway if I went back.

And now he�s awake, and we�re both just lying there in the dark, kind of just staring out, thinking thoughts, and I don�t know if I initiated it, or he did, but finally he said that he�s not really sure what�s wrong, but�

And it kind of led into this conversation about our jealousy. And it�s hard to explain, because it�s not what you think of, when you think of jealousy, and I think both of us feel it, and we don�t want to call it that, but it�s what it is. I don�t really care to hear about him going out and having fun, and spending time at the downtown bars and meeting people (ahem, girls?). Truthfully, I don�t really like hearing about him having a good time without me! And I don�t mean that, like it sounds, just that�.it makes me feel kind of boring, because we don�t go out a lot, and I don�t want him to start thinking about all the fun he has�when he�s not with me!

And the weird thing is he feels exactly the same way about me. I know it�s good for him to go out and spend time with his guys, and while I know he�s meeting people and such, I don�t believe for a second he would even consider cheating�I know we�re that much in love, that�other people just don�t do it for us like they used to. Even when I see an attractive person, it�s like I know they�re attractive but�. I don�t find myself being attracted to them. Does that make sense at all? J So basically, this all boiled down that he was frustrated�because I started talking about my Friday party and what not. I think, that he thinks, that I have this absolutely amazing time when he�s not around�kind of because the only time I really party, is when he�s not around.

I wish he could understand, that when I�m with him, I�m so happily content to just be there and hang out, laugh and mess around and talk. When I�m going out with my girls, partying it like�something to do. I really enjoy being social, but I can�t really be that girl anymore with a boyfriend, and just drinking it up is something fun to do, to laugh and hang all over my sisters and take crazy pictures and sure it�s a good time, but I�d give it all up to just be with him. As cheesy as that is.

Okay, I�ve got to go, bye.

Ag.