17 April 2000

Where do I begin? I had the most pleasant Saturday night. I kind of wish I hadn't been drinking, so it wouldn't fade so fast in my memory, because I would probably put it in my top 10 best nights of my life. And it's almost funny, that...something rather significant happened to me Saturday night, but that's not why the night was great, and it's not why the night made it into the top ten ;) but in away, it's interesting/good that it would happen on a night like that.

So I had sex (for real) on Saturday. My first thought is that it hurt like a motherpluck, but was a rather amusing experience on whole. But more on that later.

I've never been one to romanticize about the "perfect night" to lose your virginity to. I knew I didn't want it to happen on some cheesy terms, say prom night or something equally as stupid. I never even dreamed about a whole night of romance, candle lit dinner, roses and such as my prelude. Infact all the times I ever did imagine the "ideal" conditions were just a night where I totally hung out with this great guy and we talked. Real talking, somewhere beyond the hi/hello's. And you know, it was exactly like that.

The night begins with Chris & kerrie picking me up. (Kerrie is his best girl(friend) from..way back, and she was also with us at the zone). We go to Kerrie's house, and listen to music and talk about what we wanted to do for the night. She goes to take a shower and we go to get beer. (Corona is not for me BTW, ugh.)

Then her roomie, Angie (also from the zone) comes home and she gets ready to go. We've decided against clubbing, which is good with me. We consider going to campus (i mention a 35keg block party...which funny enough, ended up turning into this big riot/tear gassing event ;) or going out to this farm house and just playing music with these guys who are in a band. We decide on the latter, saying campus could come if we were bored there.

The whole night I was amazed with how comfortable and natural hanging out with all of them was. Sometimes when I first start dating, or hanging with new people, i'll look around my surroundings and think, "who the hell are these people, and how did i get here, this is too weird!" But it didn't feel like that at all. It felt...right? I don't know, but it was a nice feeling.

So we leave and head to Westerville. Once arriving, Kerrie decides we need more beer, and we leave together. Once again, a threatening situation for me, to randomly be driving around with some girl I don't really know at all like that, but it felt....completely normal. Not like it's a un-normal situation, but I just mean, it felt like we were buddies just gonna go for an errand or something.

We came back and everyone decided to move out to the greenhouse to play some music. There are two guys: Andy and Jeffrey (I later find out they're both in HS, Andy 17, Jeffrey 18--have their own band, and Chris and the gang know them, because Kerrie dated one of the boy's older brother. Or the story goes something like that. ;)

They're both on accoustics, Jeffrey sings, Andy is totally this amazing guitar player. Actually they were both really good, and chris played drums. It was so wonderful.

I love acoustic guitar playing, i could watch someone play all night, made me want to run home and bust out my guitar. Oh sweet guitar, how I ignore you!

And these guys knew every song you could think of. We could just throw out requests and they seemed to know it--and if they didn't? They played around for a minute, and they instantly had it, it was crazy! I was in love of course, because they knew like ever Dave song, so I was in heaven, just throwing out titles while we jammed to dmb, and he knew all the lyrics to all the songs too. So we just sat around, drinking beer, laughing, singing songs. It was my idea of a perfect night really. Totally chilling, but it was good.

I have trouble just "hanging out" sometimes, so I think I miss out on the goodtimes of just doing it. I get ambiverted, bored, attention deficit or something like that, usually in these situations. Maybe it was the guitars, music does strange things to me. Andy is a cutie by the way, with braces and everything.

I even got to play a little myself! I learned how to play 3EB's Semi-charmed life, that was so much fun!

So we did that for like 3-4 hours I swear. Poor guys, I thought we were gonna make them play til they bled. Well no blood, but plenty of blisters and the like.

Had we been out and about or what not, I would have been really drunk. I had four beers, which can do me just right, seeing as sometimes after 2 I'm nice and buzzing. But since we were just sitting there, no one could really notice, but everytime I would get up to go to the bathroom I knew it. Whoo, that could have been really fun, had we really been moving around, but i'm not sure of the point of just sitting there and drinking like that, but i dunno.

So we leave, and Chris is asking me where I want to go. I've been so Pro-Chris all night long, that I don't want to end the night even though i'm falling in and out of being super tired and what not. I tell him to take me wherever he wants me. I thought maybe we were heading to a 24hr joint to just sit and talk, but he goes to his mom's house.

Of course this night, his mom and his daughter were there. Once we get there, we don't get out. We just sit in his car and talk about...I don't know what, and that is exactly what I love. Just being able to talk freely, where your mind is open, and it doesn't really have to be about anything specific, just forming and holding some kind of nice dialogue.

We finally go in and pull out his couch-to-bed get up, and get ready for bed. I feel slightly silly about being there, since I've never even met his mom, and there I will be in the morning, like "uh, hi!" But he reassures me that she is super cool and laid back and won't care at all. I know he's told her all about me too, so it's not completely random meeting.

We lay there for awhile just talking and kissing a little, but then in moves right out into a full session. I start to think that I really just want to have sex, and it was rather wonderful night to end it with. I don't want to come right out and say I want to; never one to make quite so much the initiative, concerning sexual activity. But somewhere in there I tell him I want you which instantly conjurs up those cheesy body spray commercials--"I want your bod!" hah, but anyway, he takes the hint, and says he has something in his wallet.

Well, go get it buddy!

Our pants come off, and on goes his protection, and there it goes. Final confirmation that I am no longer a virgin by any means now.

It hurt. Not terrible, i want to cry hurt, but it definitly hurt. I would sort of describe it as someone punching a hole in my uterus....but i think that *would* make me cry, but anyway. I've heard too many stories of the girl just lying there and i wasn't goint to be one of those so I was involved. He was on top at first, then i switched to being on top of him, just kind of sitting up. That hurt really bad. It was also kind of funny, because i never took my shirt off, so i'm still clothed waste up, but yeah...

So through most of, i'm mostly worried about not letting it hurt too much, and making sure he's having a good time. There's something fantastic about knowing you are causing this other person to have so much pleasure. So while me, myself was sort of having some issues physically about my happiness factor, I still enjoyed having sex as a whole, because it was good emotionally to be involved in someone else's satisfaction. I think with time, it will turn into a good situation for both overall, but I have a feeling it will take a couple more times before I'm all worked out down there.

So that was my sex experience. I think any emotional feelings I had concering sex were already figured out April 1st when we first had our pseudo encounter. I woke up not even thinking about what we just did, because it still felt so natural. His mom was a sweetheart, and his girl is adorable. I'm glad that it happened on a night that was based on good times and friendship and not just sexual overtones.

I'm beginning to think that I have something really good going on here, and I'm really excited to see how my future turns out. Last night was such a good experience for me...and i'm not even talking about sex, it was just a good night for us, or maybe just a really good night for me to figure out how I feel about him. Because right now, I'm feeling like I really like him. I wish he didn't live in Indiana, I really wish we could see more of each other.

I don't remember if this was us talking before or after, in the car, or in the bed or where, but we were talking and he tells me that i could hurt him, and that he's really falling for me. It was such a declaration of vulnerability. I was glad that I could respond in my heart that I really liked him too, and hopefully, i won't be hurting him. I do messed up things to people i'm in relationships with, hopefully i'm different with us.

And speaking of us. I have no idea what we *are.* We've never really talked about it. I guess i could assume we are girlfriend/boyfriend even though no words have been said about it. I'm not sure if I want to ask about it, cuz i'd feel like I was back in middle school or something, but I don't know, there's still something still exhilerating about the moment you know with confirmation that you have a boyfriend. My boyfriend. Ah, I feel cheesy, see ya'll later.