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2nd Half-Marathon

16 August 2008

This from Fat Cyclist "Ask yourself this question: what would it take for you to call a race your best ever? Would you need to win? Set a personal record? Move up in your category�s standings?"

Best ever? Hmmm. I think for me it would be the spirit of the race. Naturally, I would assume if I felt good, I would run well (resulting in a PR), but even if not, as long as the time was reasonable and I just felt good while running it that would be enough for me.

When you have a bad or good run you can�t always identify what went wrong (or right). Sometimes it�s easy to blame the weather, how you�ve been sleeping, your diet, etc. but other times for no clear reason a run just goes sour. When my spirit is into the run it�s like everything has lined up. I come with a positive, fun, relaxed mood. My legs feel strong and smooth. My lungs feel free and full. There is sunshine but without the high heat and humidity. My clothes help support me rather than stick to me. There is no pain from previous injuries or tension. I can go at the speed I want without being blocked by people in front, or peer-pressured into going faster by those on my heels. Overall, it�s a run that just feels good.

Speaking of good and bad runs I ran my second half marathon this past Sunday (8/10/08). I chose a different half-marathon race from last year which I think was an improvement. Last year was so far south in Chicago there was no easy way to get to it. The anxiety of having to get to a new place can make me sick under normal circumstances so having to deal with that in addition to running (my 1st!) race last year wasn�t a good thing. This year I was just able to ride the El downtown and knew exactly where I needed to be so it was a lot less stressful. I remember the night before my first marathon (9/9/07) I could hardly sleep. I was so restless and afraid I would forget something or that my ride wouldn�t show up in the morning. I don�t normally get nervous in this way. Yes, I have anxiety issues but regular anticipatory �nerves� don�t usually get to me. So I was surprised with how nervous I was about the race. I didn�t have any real �goals� other than to finish it so I didn�t have a lot of expectation to live up to. I knew I could do it and that I would finish, barring any surprises.

Going into my second half-marathon I figured that all the nerves were gone. I had even done 13 miles just a couple of weeks ago as a part of my training [for the real marathon this fall]. But, I still slept terribly. I had dreams about missing the race or forgetting something. I woke up all through the night in panicked moments not knowing where I was or feeling like I was supposed to be somewhere else. But, overall, even with all that I still felt better rested than I did for my first half-marathon. I was so happy that the weather had cooled off. If I was going to worry about anything it was the heat. The idea of running a half-marathon in the middle of August sounded awful. But, it was unusually �cool� (for Aug)�.upper 70s/lower 80s so we really lucked out.

I�ll start by saying that while I made a PR this was not a good race. I would rank it as one of the worst runs I�ve had all year (not racing, just running in general). I felt�crabby. Even leading up to the race I was hoping for some excuse that I wouldn�t have to do it. Cough, cough�was I getting sick? What�s this, is my tendonitis flaring up again? Does the forecast call for stormy weather on Sunday?

But, in the end, nothing happened. Ultimately I�m glad I went and finished it out. I�m just bummed I felt so depressed and tired throughout it all. I think it began when a friend came into town the weekend before. It was a long weekend where I had to be �on� all the time. When I�m so busy at work, I really need a lot more downtime and me time. I need time to just be a scrub, lounge, take it easy and try to relax as much as I can. I didn�t get that. And then, while I love my friend and was happy to have her in town, she asks me a day later if she can return that she has some business in Chicago and will just work out of my apartment during the day and work her events at night.

So I basically had a house guest for a week. Again, I feel awful saying it because she�s out-of-town and I really was happy to spend the time with her I just�..wasn�t up to it when she was here. I also hated how we went out to eat so much. I kept offering to make something (cheaper + healthier) but she wanted to go out. I also had to do more �entertaining� and I just wanted to relax. I know I am a crybaby but I just wanted me time and so it was unfortunate to have to stress out about something [normally good] like having a good friend in town to visit.

So I went into this race weekend just wishing I could sleep and relax. I didn�t want to have a schedule or have to accomplish anything. Instead, I had to entertain and be active and on Sunday I had to get up at 4:30 in the morning to be downtown by 5:30 in the morning! Now, I normally am AT work by 6:00 AM. In theory, I should be used to getting up so early because I pretty much do it everyday. But, on the weekends I treasure my time to sleep in. I like to sleep very, very late, I�m talking teenager late on the weekend to recover. So I was also just�.I think angry, haha, to have to get up so early on my weekend.

Here I am, heading down on a train to get to the race, cranky, tired and really not feeling like running. I get to the site; check my gear and dilemma number two arises. The iPod. I normally run with music or an audiobook. Something to listen to. The rules stated that headphones have been banned. I know a lot of races are adopting this rule. Very few (any?) actual enforce it. I am a rule follower. I hate it sometimes but I just try to do the �right thing� even if I don�t agree with it. I submit. I obey.

I really wanted to be �bad� and bring my iPod. Ultimately, though, I decided to follow the rules again. There was a tiny, tiny chance I could actually get a qualifying time for the fall marathon start corrals. I thought how silly I would feel if I got disqualified for wearing an iPod and my time wouldn�t count. So, I chose not to bring it and left it in my checked bag. Of course, it seemed like everyone had headphones on. I think it would be fair to say at least 50% had iPods or other devices. This just frustrated me further. I could have really used the musical inspiration, or even an audio book to entertain me when the run got long and tough but�.there I was, out on my own, just my thoughts to urge me along.

I wanted to finish in two hours but I knew I would have to push myself to actually accomplish that. My overall pace while training has been decent but I know after mile 8 I usually can�t keep it up as well and that is when my run/walking begins. I found my pace group and followed along. Actually, at first I was ahead of the pace group and was behind this guy who was carrying a balloon. It was nice�.he was in a group of four and they chatted along easily and I imagine they continued talking through the race. Some people like to talk while running. I don�t like to talk. I like to focus. Or, listen to my iPod. But, without entertainment their conversation kept my occupied for awhile until they pushed ahead and I chose not to keep up.

I felt tired at mile two. That is NOT a good sign. Normally, if I go for a run and I feel fatigued so early in I�ll just quit. It�s obvious my body is tired and it�s not going to be a good run. Of course, as a part of a race I felt obligated to keep going but it added to the mental challenge when not only mind wasn�t committed to the run, but my body was also telling me not to run as well. Although they called the course �flat� it wasn�t exactly without incline. I am very sensitive to any incline and I could tell we were pushing upwards. Sure, I wouldn�t call it a hill but it�s still different then calling it flat. I kept with my pace group until about 6 miles. At that point my GPS watch was telling me they were running 8:35-8:42�which was technically faster than we should have been going and I decided I was dying trying to keep up. I settled into a 8:57-9:20 pace (which later with the run/walk added in looked more like 10:00+/mile). Haha, I remember last year how after mile ten the last three miles seemed SO long. And, they seemed long again. The idea of finding some internal energy surge never hits me. I just feel tired. Really, really tired. As in, if I could turn a corner and run home�I think I might have.

I wish I could find the spirit to �try harder� and persevere when things get tough. Or pull something out of me to show them �there, I did it� but I don�t seem to get like that. Disappointment doesn�t drive me. It doesn�t make me �try harder next time�; I just give up. Which is pathetic, but that is how my mind works. I think in an odd way it�s a sense of perfectionism. If I can�t be perfect then why try at all? So, when the race starts to get long and I�m feeling pretty tired I find that I really struggle to keep pushing through. I knew while running that being negative would only make the experience worse so I just tried to focus on moving rather than on the more satisfying idea of just�walking the rest of the way. Last year crossing the line I felt relief and I also felt happy. There was a sense of pride and accomplishment. Okay, mostly just tired and happy to be done but there was some positive feeling in having done it. This year I just felt�..disappointed? I was hoping I could see Jeff as I passed the finish line but I didn�t see him. I felt tired. I felt dejected. And I felt lonely. I wanted to turn to someone who could share in the experience. I also felt bad�.well, not bad, but, a little disgusted with myself. And disgusted is a strong word; reflecting back I don�t feel so bad about it but at the time I just felt�like, c�mon, pull yourself together and stop walking!

Bad runs are depressing. They make me want to quit and never run again. It was especially frustrating because I had the nice weather that I wanted and didn�t have any real reason for not running well.

Of course, in the end, my time was okay and I am actually happy with it. I would have been happy with this time had it been a �good� run. So, I suppose it�s good that I pushed myself even when I really didn�t want to. It�s also good to know that had it been a �good� run there�s no reason to think I couldn�t have met my 2 hour goal or even beaten it. (My final time was just under 2 hours 2 minutes). Of course, later it came out that the race was tracked out incorrectly and we actually ran a bit longer than that. If I assume an average of 9:20 (per my Garmin) and minus out the extra distance I figure that puts my �real� half-marathon time at 2:00:35. But, on the books, it will officially read 2:01:55.







A look back on what I was writing in August over the past eight years...

08.15.2000
"I was balancing a tray of four waters and 3 milkshakes in one hand and a scotch & soda in the other....as I leaned to place the latter down, I didn't quite stand up in a balanced way. Oh, how those milkshakes and glasses can fly. I managed to get the spray of falling shakes over the boys...and on the ceiling. A marvel I am." [Read More]

08.06.2005
"I think coupling is natural and what we have done...create unions and marriage is an understandable direction but I don't think it changes that sex is sex and that being with ONE person isn't really all that natural." [Read More]







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