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(what's in store for me?) restaurant, jeff, mom, Bryan

8.15.00 Tues.

Hardy har har.

I keep doing that. And every time I think how weird I really am.


I reinvent my laugh every so often, it seems as of late which started as I joke to verbally say "hardy har" turned into something real. That's scary. ;) But don't worry, it's one of those personal joke things. So no one ever really hears me say that. :)

My dear, Angelbaby why did you go and password code your diary? So fabulous your insights, I now must go...without. I think it's a shame everytime I see one of my regular reads go that route. Or even go on hiatus, and write it right there in their diary that they're planning it. What's the point? It's lost it with the password.

I mean, at its core, it is a diary, it is for YOU. But the fact that it *is* online, that it is open, it's part of the diaryland edge and appeal. It really does change a lot. But it's sort of a part of diaryland you have to accept before you become a member of its community.

This one goes out to my girl, Lizzymay for being so sweet, simple, beautiful and true.


This is what I've been reading lately:

...it took me a while to realize that most friends don't genuinely like each other. They just don't want to be alone. --Perceptions.

Instead of swimming, I'm just treading. And I'm okay with that. And that's why I'm miserable. --Ladiebug

Yep, I totally understand that. It's like when I talk about myself just "going." (But not really....going anywhere.)


Ah, so what's been going on in my life? I don't even remember when I wrote last or what it was about. I've wanted to get on and talk about my mother. (We've been arguing again, of course.) There's just so much deeper to every relationship you have. I've just been analzying the role mothers play--or even just the roles we live as children/parents. I think I'm definitly ready for a break away from her and going back to school will be good.

I have no idea what this school year will bring for me. I'm sure it will be a lot different from last year. I kind of get shivers of excitement when I think about it--just thinking how quickly time passes, how much I learned, how much I did my first year. And living in my sorority house, I really don't know what that will bring. I mean maybe I won't feel the big changes, because I'm not the bar-hopping girl or anything (I mean c'mon, high cover charges and risk getting caught for underage--sounds fun, huh?).

But still, living with the girls, and living with the restrictions and such. And the stupid wiring in that house. I can't imagine being internet-less, or at least, no road runner. I was 13 the last time I used dial-up. I'm not sure if I can do that again. That is definitly going to be my goal for the house. They can't keep using the excuse that the house doesn't have the wiring for it, because it's old. (YEah, so...lets start saving the funds to get it re-done!) What if OSU just used that excuse for all of its buildings? SURE, i bet it cost a bunch, but it's worth it. You have to keep moving. You can't even get cable in your room, I don't know, sounds like a shady set-up.

But I'll learn to deal with it. (Until I fix it. :)


Jeff and his boys came into work the other night. Balancing a tray of four waters and 3 milkshakes in one hand and a scotch & soda in the other....as I leaned to place the latter down, I didn't quite stand up in the most balanced of ways. Oh so did the milkshakes and glass fly. I managed to get the spray of the shakes over the boys...and on the ceiling. A marvel I am.

So yes, I don't get embarressed, so thankfully that wasn't an issue, but I felt bad for getting the shake on them, and for kind of running around crazed and never really getting to talk to them. (Their table was my triple seating at the moment, and I still had 2-3 tables/others that I was working on.) But yea, my lovely mexican busser cleaned it up (por favor?) haha, thankfully, and got it all worked out.

I did get to see Jeff later on that night. Watched a lil Jay Leno with his bro. Then went to steak n shake for a club sandwich and fries. Totally silly and goofy at the restaurant, but it was fun. Went back to his house and went down to his room and listened to some super old mixed stuff of his. (I thought it was kind of junky, but hey, whatever floats your boat.) Starting making out, and before you know it, it's 2:55, and I really need to go or I'm going to be late for curfew.

But I don't want you to go.

Well either did I.

So I didn't.

Didn't get home until 3:45, and by God's grace (hey, he knew I needed to get some, haha) my mother had gone to sleep, and seriously didn't hear me come in when I did. (Thanks.)

No, but we had fun all night long just hanging, and the sex was probably our best yet (I think i'm getting pretty good at it, haha, j/k.)

I was thinking earlier today, though, what if I'm one of those girls who will never orgasm through sex? Doesn't that suck? I mean what am I exactly doing with myself that can never pass over into his hands or into his unit? I don't even know...where to begin to coach, because I don't know what he's doing wrong. Or maybe he's not doing anything wrong, and I'm just not allowing it to be right. I don't know, hopefully at some point, it'll just magically click and life will be grand forever.

That'd be cool.

I've been working a lot. That's basically my life. I still want to make my goal of 2000 dollars in my savings by September 1st. I don't know if I can do it. I may just barely break it. But that's okay. But, it does make me wonder. If I only now have 2000 dollars, and I've spent my whole summer working (over time at that!) how am I (even possibly) going to make 4000 *more* by the time next summer begins so I can go to Greece?

Someone told me that I should just go to Greece on a visiting "fun" trip and such, opposed to Studying Abroad. Doing the hostel thing or what not. She said it'd be cheaper, I could do more, and hey--no class/school. What do *YOU* think? Continue to go for the study abroad thing, or just go for fun? (I'd love to hear from you in my guestbook ;) Keeping in mind, I probably won't be getting any credit I can actually use (I've already gotten those requirements). So I don't know, just doing something like that--just to go, kind of sounds exciting, because I've never saved up and just gone some where.

Kind of neat thinking about it.

Yes, I still say neat.

Yes, I think I'm cool enough to use it and get away with it. (I am ;)

Byran leaves Thursday for NYC.

I almost cried at work when I thought he had left before I had a chance to say goodbye. I actually was getting that hyper/nervous/heart-beating-too-damn-fast feeling, as I went down to the kitchen looking for him.

It was pathetic.

I had so many million things to say to him. Jokes, heartfelt thank yous...something.

All I managed was a "half-hug" (you know the kind, the one-armed, buddy-ol-pal such) and an insincere, floaty "I'll miss you" line that sounded like something you would say....just to say, not because you meant it. And he said the same back to me.

He said his OSU email account would be forwareded to his new email.

"Oh your email works..?," I said? (So why haven't you responded to my previous emails, boy?)

"...I mean, OSU email, continues to work, even after you graduated?" I recovered. (Yep.)

Well it would be interesting to see if you started writing me now. I doubt it.


He said he would be back around Christmas time. I wonder if he only plans on staying in New York for his graduate work and move back to Columbus perm. I wonder where he would stay--with his parents?

I just realized I don't know anything about his parents. I wonder if he has siblings. I'm sure I've asked. I have a fabulous memory if you can tell ;) I'll miss my weekly view of him on Sunday. Each time it would inspire a flood of thoughts and emotions that not always--but frequently would invade my rambles here at d-land. No doubt, I'll continue to talk about him when the moment hits.

It's funny, at work. I just feel more alienated from the older employess than I did while hosting. But the younger people, the newbies, the ones that were training right along with me...I really like all of them. Love. It's good to have a circle of "friends" to look to for understanding. You kind of need it at work when you're there practically every day.

Goodnight.

-ag (daaamn, this entry took me an hour to write ;)






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