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My stomach hurts...
02 January 2005
My body has an interesting way of dealing with emotional stress. It emerges in a list of bizarre ticks, flashes, pains and moods. I'm beginning more and more to believe that is what I'm suffering from --stress or any other variation of emotional turmoil. I think I have given myself stomach cramps. If that is possible. God, I am in so much pain. Earlier this week while driving back to work from meeting Jeff for lunch, I began to cry. I frequently talk to myself out loud. It's helpful, sort of like diaryland entries for working out all of the racing thoughts in my head. I was talking aloud and kind of came to a verbal revelation. I have to break up with Jeff. I can't believe I can even say that aloud. Sure it's a thought that has been questioned in my head but I quickly shove it back down to some dark cavity within my head. I've never even said it in so clear of terms, so bluntly, so obvious to what I'm really feeling. I'm scared. I'm so scared and so lonely. I know I need to talk to someone about this, but I have no one to go to. Part of it is the shame. I feel like a failure. I feel like a liar for pretending everything was fine or even great or even leading to some hopeful, wonderful marriage in the future (perhaps even somewhat near future). This is such a big decision. I don't feel it would be right to make it without having talked to someone. Even if talking to someone makes me feel better about it...or to help me re-evaluate why I want to do it. I need something. But I do feel shame. I know that's a silly feeling, but I can't help but feel it. My parents...at least with my mom, I know she's not Jeff's biggest fan. Pehaps I being too hard on her, maybe she likes Jeff more than I think. I don't think she dislikes Jeff. But, she's always pointing out his negatives. I don't do enough to show my parents how much good he does. My dad...well, he's sort of in the same boat that my mom is. I don't talk to them about a wonderful night out, or a sweet letter he wrote me or a thoughtful handmade card he created. I complain to them when I think he's being a jerk or when I feel cranky about something. They have no reason to really have warm and fuzzies for him. Doesn't help that he tries to act so 'respectful' around my parents that he's more of a boring, cold stone than the goofy, laid back, warm guy that I know he is. He definitely is extremely reserved and pulled back when he's around new people. Which is normal, I'm more quiet around new people as well.
I don't think I'm in love with Jeff anymore. I don't understand how I can even say that. How does that happen? How can I just know? Where did that feeling come from? You don't just wake up and decide you're not in love one day. When did it happen? Did it something cause it? Help, god.
How can I tell him that? How can I break his heart? How can I tell him how good and wonderful 'we' have been and how he's meant so much to me, when I look at him now and feel so empty? I don't remember if it's from CWG or some other book or where but I remember learning that we choose love. It was such a hard concept to wrap my head around, but the more I thought about it the more I thought it made sense. I think of that now and wonder...how can I choose Jeff? I thought about that all last week. What do I have to do to choose Jeff? Is there anything I can do? Is there anything Jeff can do? Is there something more he could give me to help me love him again? Is there some behavior that I am practicing that is contributing to our lack of love? If I choose love, why don't I choose Jeff any more? And why is it so hard to even think about that? How can I want to 'choose' to just walk away from 4.5 years of our relationship? Somewhere last week, thinking about how I could actively choose Jeff again...something died, and I gave up. I don't think...we are soulmates. I don't think we should be together. I think, last week while I rolled around the idea of where Jeff and I stood in my head, I thought of all the struggles we faced to really make this relationship work. We are so young, was it worth it to struggle now? To struggle for another 50+ years together? Would there be some hump we could jump that would make things incredibly better and we'd be fine after that...other than for a few minor, and possibly major issues we'd work through as a couple? I didn't see that happening. Our problems, our differences they need to be healed by acceptance and/or change. The things that we want from each other and are not receiving...it's a constant disappointment, whether we believe or accept that. I feel like a disappointment to him. I know it's not fair, because I haven't really talked to him about feeling that way. I think if he examined his feelings though, he'd find that I have been. It's also not fair that I don't talk to him about how important I think it is that we get on the same page spiritually. I mean, after all this time he's never really talked to me about it. I haven't offered either. It's just such a personal choice, faith is...I didn't want to feel like I was pressing it on him. But I did think at some point we would have an in-depth conversation about what we believe and think. I know that's not fair either. It's easier for me to believe it's just not important to him rather than to really put myself in a vulnerable position and truly share that aspect of myself.
He is in such a terrible place right now in his life. He is about to quit his job and try his luck in a new city. How can I drop a bomb on him like this? Even if it's me doing it...I will still be crushed. I will mourn the death of our relationship as I would an actual death. I will probably be losing my best friend, truly, my only real friend I have right now.
That is so overwhelming.
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