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drugs, heidi, mom raising us, nicole and marriage

29 April 2003

Ergh, I feel sick. I tried out this new type of pasta [Busulini?], I don't know, I don't have the box by me, but it's sort of like a fancy ravioli.

It's this pouch (mine had six cheeses) and then it's pinched at the top, so it looks like a little bag. Kind of like if you would wrap up small candy in tissue paper then tie it with ribbon at the top so extra paper would be at the top. This is probably not making any sense.

No need, anyway, the pouches are way too big to stuff in your mouth, and all the extra pasta at the top of the pouch was beginning to creep me out. Bleh.


So Jeff and I got Heidi high last night. I had actually wanted to go out drinking, but apparently as I left to go work-out around 7pm, Jeff headed for the bar with a few guys and Heidi. I think they got pretty drunk, because Heidi calls around 10pm asking for me to come over to Jeff's--they had been drinking that whole time.

Funny. I am slightly jealous. Not that anything would happen between Jeff/Heidi, that would never happen, but just that they had gone out and apparently had a really good time together. I am not a fun person to go out drinking with, mostly because I don't like the taste of alchol and so I will complain constantly about it. Plus it's like I either can't get drunk, or I get drunk too fast, which means I'm falling asleep by a toilet, or I just want to go to bed early. So yeah, I'm not a lot of fun.

But I did actually feel like going out last night, but oh well. So I go over to Jeff's and we're just all hanging out. Heidi is so cute b/c she's obviously really drunk, but everyone in the room is sober, so it's kind of funny to just sit around and watch her giggle and talk a lot.

We eventually leave the room to go help another guy write a cover letter, and we're just talking. I go back and talk to Jeff and he says we're getting Heidi high, and that she already agreed to it (she's never smoked before). I'm not sure what I think of that, I guess I'm okay with it.

About ten of us girls had decided a month or so ago we needed to have a "girl's night" in which we did something "crazy" and you will now know how wild we really are, because what they came up with, is that we should all get high. None of us smoke regularly (cough, cough), and a good majority of the girls had either tried it once only or never done it before, so it seemed like a good thing to do. Besides, for the seniors, we probably won't have the opportunity to get high out of college, so why not?

Having smoked myself, I thought it was a great idea, because I had always wished there would be someone I could share it with, because I found it to be a pleasant experience. So girl's night is supposed to be this Friday, but I don't know if it will happen or not.


I don't think I have ever lied about smoking, but I haven't exactly been forthright with the information that I do smoke (la la la, a lot). I don't think these girls are necessarily super anti-drugs--we all know people who do 'em--but I think it's just something they didn't do. And I know personally, that between the drug scare commercials and DARE, I had a pretty negative view of drugs, and it was something that I wasn't going to do.

Well, perhaps not never, but I never wanted to consider myself a "druggie." I had always been curious about it though. When I first tried "e" (my first drug experience) I was kind of scared, because you don't know what to expect. I didn't want to ruin my body either, I didn't want to be permanantly stupid or something. But I really loved the experience, and although they haven't been all that great the next couple of times that I tried it, I would still be willing to roll if a truly great opportunity came before (I'm thinking huge party, with a great DJ in town...not going to happen in this place!).

Pot...well it's hard to think about what I used to think about it now that I smoke it (make sense?). I think my feelings about it were...I don't know you have this Hollywood image of stoners, being these terribly lazy, unmotivated people, and all they do is get high, sit around, and eat pizza...and maybe skate board ;)

Haha, so that is my idea of a "pot head" but really...I guess I'm a pot head, but I don't look anything like that image. I do really well in school, I still have my own interests, and activities, and I only get high at night after I've gotten my stuff done.

I really don't have a problem with my "habit," although I still recognize that it's illegal and...that should probably concern me. Plus, all the guys that live on Jeff's floor don't smoke, so it's not exactly a friendly environment. But back to Heidi...we were joking that the night would be a preview to girl's night.

The fact that she was drunk...really, we shouldn't have gotten her high. I mean, look at my experience when I was drinking/smoking...I was practically talking to myself and it made me so dizzy I actually threw up...and no one throws up on pot. But, Heidi seemed like she wanted to do it, and I was curious to see her reaction so we did.

She probably smoked too much for her first time, and having drank she did get the typical dizziness. I don't think she liked the experience. I haven't talked to her today, but I feel kind of bad about it. I don't want to ruin her impression of what getting high is like, plus...I don't know, I just feel stupid all over.

I don't want it to seem like I was hiding the fact that I smoked, but having not ever talked about it with my friends, that's kind of what it looked like. I mean, here jeff pulls out a water pipe and a stash of weed...I mean, woah. That'd be like finding out all of a sudden Heidi had been doing coke all along...I think it would take me awhile to get readjusted to the idea. Drugs...are just a very sensitive topic. I didn't want my friends to be disappointed in my behavior so I simply never proffered the information, although if they had ever bothered to ask me, I would have told them.

For people who don't smoke all you have to go on is your internal fear created by DARE and then the TV commercials which are a joke, believe me. So yeah, you would feel nothing but disappointment, maybe even anger. But it's not that bad really. To me, some people go out and drink to relax and enjoy their free time and friends, and I do the same thing...but with weed.

I can't help it I don't like to drink. I have a lot more control than the people who go out and get "wasted" all the time. I'm sure my lungs aren't happy about the situation but either are their livers, so it's a fair deal ;)

I don't see myself smoking out of college, so I guess I don't see my behavior as all that bad. And even for people who do smoke out of school....it still doesn't bother me. It's such a tame drug, I think it's silly that it's illegal. Alcohol does a whole lot more to ruin lives than weed ever will. I don't know, I guess with anything, not just drugs, as long as it doesn't interfere with you functioning as a productive, normal person, then it's fine. It's when all you think about is doing it (whether it be drinking, smoking...watching Tv, I don't know) that's when it's probably gone too far.


So I was talking with my sister this weekend...it's weird, how sometimes I feel like I'm 12 when I'm with her, just completely in awe. I used to think she was so cool. I still do, I guess. It's almost a bitter emotion though. I don't feel wow-ed by her so much, just jealous. I shouldn't be. We're simply different people, with different interests. And sure, she may have "refined" snobby interests, and nice clothes, but she'll also probably be in debt for a really long time.

Having said all that (la la), I think we're going to become better friends as we age, which is a good thing. We may be different in a lot of ways, but I think we're also very much alike. Plus, our mom is very unique (aren't they all!) that it'll be interesting to see how much influence she has on how we will be as adults. Especially when/if my sis and I both have kids, I think that will definitly bring us closer. I really don't want to be my mom when I have kids. I have so much angst and anger towards my mom concerning a lot of her policies...I don't want my kids to hate me like that.

And my mom has been a good mom...I mean she essentially raised four kids on her own, because while my dad has been a great dad, he hasn't exactly done so much in the "fathering" department. Sure he goes to work and brings home the bacon...and he always took us kids to the movies, or some other fun place on the weekend, but as far as raising us...it was left to mom.

I say he's been a great Dad, because he loves us so much. And he's always there, no matter what when I need him. He is a great listener, and he checks up on me, to make sure I'm okay, but it really was my mom who shaped me.

But back to my sister, we were talking about her wedding (to be held in August), and she was saying how she was scared. That she wasn't sure if her fiance would be what she wants forty years from now. And I never thought about that...because people do change, but it's hard to imagine you being different, even though you will, especially if you give yourself 40 years. She was saying that she loved her fiance, and that they got along great, and could spend hundreds of hours together and it would always feel good and right, but that intellectually he just isn't where she is.

Not that he's dumb...he's very smart and does great in his job, but as she said there's a difference between intelligence and intellect. I think my sister is more interested in growing as a person, and he's pretty happy with how things are. But I wonder if that's just how guys are. Because I feel her position is parallel to mine. I know Jeff would be a great provider and we do love each other and enjoy each other's company, but we don't actually have a lot of the same interests.

I mean I *love* to read. And I wish I could get jeff excited about books because I want to discuss things with him and he never knows what I'm talking about. Jeff doesn't even read the books he's supposed to for school. Or spirituality...I mean I know he was raised Catholic, but he's pretty much agnostic, and I consider myself very spiritual. It's hard to know, how it will all work out.

Okay, I'm getting sick of writing, bye.






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