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work/model, sex, future talk with Jeff, M.Sexton

03 September 2002

Ergh. Tonight at work was miserable. I guess I should have known, it being after a holiday it isn't likely that a lot of people are going to eat out.

My first customer said the only reason she was there was because her fridge broke the other day so she didn't have any food. I had two more tables following her. The restaurant is practically empty and they have five servers on board. We were supposed to have six, but one guy never showed up. We could have managed fine with three servers.


My first customer is something of a "regular". She doesn't necessarily ask for me, but she does know my name and her son recognizes me and talks about previous conversations we've had. The woman and child are very sweet. Occasionally a [boyfriend?] will stop in and eat with them. Unfortunately she's not the best of tippers, but her friendly and interesting conversation makes up for it. She wants me to model for her (she's with Mary Kay). I'm not exactly what type of modeling I would be doing. Maybe like they would put make-up on me to present their new line of products? Who knows. She said she'll be calling me before school starts. So that could be interesting.


Jeff and I made love a few days ago. The kind where you melt into the other person. The kind where you just want to be filled up, to never end, where you cannot get enough. Every touch sliding over my arms, my face, my back lingers. Kisses blurring, fading, forgetting how long they've last.

We did it again the next night.

I was hoping for perhaps round three last night, but it didn't happen. We did not have sex at all. He didn't seem in the mood, or perhaps he felt I wasn't. Our sex life is...

I want to say lacking for a young couple. I don't know if everyone is like this after two years or if it's just me. I'm sure he'd be happier if we had sex more often, but I'm content with how it is. We typically have sex only twice a week. Because we don't usually see each other until quite late I'm either tired, or simply not in the mood.

Lately he keeps just going "right at it" and fingering me out of the blue. I don't know how to tell him that that is not an effective way to "arousing" me. True, if he gets me off first I'm more likely to be in the mood for sex, plus I can last longer and enjoy it more as well. But just going right for..."gina" as we call her isn't exactly going to do it. Even when I "take it into my own hands" I still think about kissing someone, and being touched and so on. So to just....go for it, I'm not ready. And i'll try to kiss him or what not, and he'll just kind of hide his head in a pillow.

Usually he plays around until he gives up or I just kind of move away. You would think he would try something else. I know I should just tell him that it isn't working, but I feel bad. I don't want him to never touch me, I just need some romance, or some extra foreplay before you jump right into the action. Even when I touch myself it's because something has gotten me aroused, I don't just go for it for no reason. Am I really writing about this?!


One interesting thing about last night....jeff and I were both sitting in bed and he started with, "I was driving the other day and I started thinking about us...."

Haha, that phrase instantly bumped my heartbeat up a notch. It's hard to say if someone is going to say something good or bad after a slow comment like that.

But he tells me he was thinking about after he graduates and he wants to leave [our home town] what will happen to us? And I kind of wish I would have just let him continue and see where he wanted it to go. But I quickly jump in and joke that I'm going wherever he's going, if that's alright with him. And he just smiles and says I better be. :)

So, I do believe that was our first pre-marriage conversation ever. Haha, okay, so maybe it had nothing to do with marriage, but the fact that he's actually thinking about the future and our relationship at all is a wonderful thing. Not that I don't think jeff doesn't think about the future, I'm just not sure if he really wants to think about us in that direct nature.

I remember when I was joking with him about lavaliering me and he was trying to explain to me that in his head lavaliering was it to him, it meant...she's the one. And he was telling me he loved me and everything else, but he wasn't sure if I was the one. And that sounds more hurtful now thinking about it than it really was, it was just boy coming out of him, you could see that strange fear of....like I could see that he loved me, but I could also see that he didn't know and truthfully after that conversation I could agree inside that I didn't "know" either.

I knew from my understanding of the lavaliering process I was definitly "worthy" of his letters, but to him it meant marriage. And I knew I wasn't ready for that.

And now I am? I don't know....I just....I'm really happy with him, and yes, if he would ask I would say yes and be incredibly happy and excited about it. The idea of our relationship just ending after graduation seems....almost rediculous, like I cannot even consider that idea, because he is...everything, he's my best friend. I would lose so much if he wasn't in my life, and I am so grateful for everything that he has given me. (Oh geez, my eyes are watering ;)

But he is so important, and my life would be completely different without him. And I wouldn't want it another way. I'm glad he is thinking about our future. And I don't expect him to propose or anything before graduation...but he better give me those damn fraternity letters. Haha, j/k.


Okay, well I'm off to go play The Sims (I think I'm addicted ;). BTW, if you are not familiar with the singer Martin Sexton you really must check him out. He's absolutely wonderful, truly the most talented singer I've ever heard, so if he's ever in town--go hear him, and in the meantime go pick up a cd of his!! love, ag.






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