19 February 2001

I'm tired.

Sounds like HS. I was forever tired then. And i'm not forever tired now. (I'm rather relaxed, although at times, perhaps more stressed.)

But it's probably always like that. (life=usually stressed, tired, or relaxed.)

Or something like that.

Just didn't get enough sleep this weekend. I don't know where to begin, or remember where to. Was it Thursday, Friday? Swallowed whole, in lust, in sex.

I was finally off my damn period, and hadn't been able to truly see Jeff, with projects and all.

I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. (No really. :)

I don't really celebrate (or wish to, I suppose I should say) holidays. I don't know why. I guess, not that I think it's dumb to hold a day for festivities, I just think there should be a really good reason to do so. And yeah, I'm happy I was born and all that good stuff, and birthdays as a little girl were the best, but I mean, as an almost twenty year old, I do want people to recognize my birhtday with a "happy birthday" or what not, but I don't need to be...put up on a pedestal.

That's where it gets tricky. Because I like being worshipped and cooed over. :)

*But* you really don't have to. And I really will be okay if you don't get me a gift or what not. I guess it comes down to coming from your heart, or if it's just some forced "yaa, it's a holiday" feeling.

Which is why Thanksgiving has never meant anything to me (I try to recognize my thankfullness of everything God has provided me on a daily basis through prayer and observation), and why Christmas in the past few years has come to disappoint me (have you seen the crap and bickering and making fun of...junk we give each other?). If you want to come together and have family time, then fab. (Although, you'll still have aglaia, hiding out in her room upstairs after an hour of "how's school going"--how are-you-conversations.) And birthdays. Back to birthdays, yaa, it's all good, let's get together, maybe reflect personally on who you are and where you want to be yadda yadda.

V-day. It's almost a cliche to say it, but I'm one of those people who believe it's just another Hallmark holidays. (No, really.) And *I* have a boyfriend, and I sincerely mean it. It does not bother me when I'm single and hope my boyfriend doesn't try to do the whole chocolates and flowers thing when the day arrives.

If you get me flowers....I can't deny that I will like them. (Even though I continue to say I'm not a flowers kind of a gal ;) BUT, I don't want you to waste your money, on something that's just going to die. I'd rather spend time with you.

BUT, if we can't spend V-day together....there's alwasy tomorrow, or the next day. The day itself, holds no special significance. I *did* get Jeff a card, and he got me one as well (ahem, along with the standard dozen roses) and we went out to dinner--despite my obejections (he had a huge project due the next day.) The card, BTW was very sweet (and mine was particulary gushy--but hopefully not overly so, I'm not that kind of person ;) I did tell him that he means a lot to me. (That's not too gushy is it?) It's true.

Once I got off work, Thursday, I practically ran into Jeff's arms with "fuck me eyes". Starved of having sex I was comfortable with while being in my horniest state (it's a shame I'm at my highest level while I'm *on* my period...) I couldn't wait to amaze him.

And I think I did.

We also...or at least, I...achieved a level of major intimacy and trust Thursday night. Maybe it doesn't sound like a big deal, but for the first time in my life, I performed a hand job to completion. Haha, I made it sound all important and huge, and it all comes down to a hand job. ;) But seriously, not like I'm the queen of hand jobs, but given that four different dicks have been given the pleasure of my hands (Jeff's on numerous times ;) I've never had a guy....allow me to go all the way. With others, perhaps it had been technique, but the same insecurity I experienced with unsuccessful blow jobs it was like when I finally did (get a big response ;)...

Haha, because it was such a point of...frustration, and...not necessarily failure, but a point of inability that made me uncomfortable. Without some sort of...guide of knowing what is good, or right, or "know how" I didn't want to be this girl who never get a guy to come from a blowjob, when....I had never heard it being all that much of a problem. ;)

And same thing with a handjob. I mean.....they do it all the time (right?) haha, it shouldn't be this hard. And it seemed both with the blowjobs and the handjobs (ahh, i'm having one of those--am I really writing this moments, haha ;) that it wasn't like...I wasn't doing it right, or okay, but....he(they?) didn't want.

Er, not that they didn't *want* to, but the unknowing of how it would all go over. Like, if they came, would I swallow, would it make a mess, where would it go, how would she react? I decided it was these questions (maybe?) that [they] had....and Jeff would always make me...stop.

So to be there, and for once, he wouldn't be grabbing my hand, he just...let himself go. And it seems like such a little, silly thing to be focused on, but it was like he really trusted and felt comfortable with me, to do it. And hey...it did make a bit of a mess, getting on both of us ;) But I think that's erotic, so it didn't bother me, but I could tell he was still like--weighing the situation? Like how I was taking it. I don't know.

After that, he was obviously very relaxed, but I was still really revved up, and not going to let us go to bed quite yet ;) So I just gave him this very long and sensual massage. Until I don't think barely either of us could contain ourselves.

Woo. That was probably the best sex of my life.

Friday night, was a night of parties. Began by attending a very uncomfortable keg party in which I knew no one 'cept the few I arrived with. It was a friend of a friend (the initial friend, being a friend more by association than any real "friendship".) We were also *very* overdressed (because we were heading to a TG later in the night) so that made me feel very insecure as well. Nothing like hanging out a person's house, with unforgiving girls staring at you (who the hell are you, and why are you drinking my beer?) while they're wearing jeans and sweater, and I'm ho-ed out in black pants, boots and a skimpy tank top.

From there, we went to a "mary jane" party from one of our pledges friends. This was *a lot* more comfortable for me. I had only had a beer and a half at the first party, but it had been weeks since I had drank beer, and I think it was affecting me. I also did not see any pot, but just a lot of cute alternateens (and it was mostly boys there.) I think girls make me uncomfortable. ;) Haha, so yeah, we were overdressed again, but this time, it was just a bunch of fun loving guys playing fun music instead of pop bullshit junk. They also were very friendly, and full of jello shots! Haha, I felt so bad, we came took a bunch of shots and then left.

But they said it was okay...happy to have us there, even if it only was for 15 minutes. ;)

I wouldn't have minded staying there, but everyone was excited for a little sig chi action, because I had promised them rum and coke. And we did. Heidi, mere and I stayed, while the others headed for Phi Tau. I tagged with Heidi and did a little dancing, then after some drinks we went to Phi Tau. By this time the beer, jello shots and rum were beginning to play the less fun side effects of alcohol, and so I didn't stay long after doing a little strobe light and hi-hello action with random boys.

Back to sig chi I went (because Jeff is always the best place to be. :) Broke in (i knew the code ;) helped myself to their kitchen, and begin the water process. I'm very aware when i come home at night that it is WATER that will save me from being hung over, so I went upstairs and watched some really really funny asian cooking competition while sipping water and listening to "guy talk". Three cups of water later, Jeff is doing "cannon balls" with the rest of the rum, with after shots of coke (a cola that is!) I'm watching him like, "oh god, jeff!" cuz he's downing the whole bottle.

Jeff of course is incredibly drunk, and keeps begging me to stay and drink with him (i'm sticking close to my water though!). I just want to sleep, so finally he's finished the bottle, and we sit down to sleep.

We both fall right to sleep. (ha.)

Saturday mornining we're like bunnies, and it's wonderful, and he tells me that I'm his best friend.

I leave to have a rather uneventful day, exhausted. And yadda yadda, my bartender at my restaurant wants to get with my junk despite the whole boyfriend thing.

I'll keep you updated.