27 March 2001

I have decided that real love is honesty. Just go ahead and put an = sign there, because once you have broke down the walls, underneath everything, is what you really think, what you really feel, and love is when you finally say it all.

Should I back-track? Should I start with my Spring Break in Cancun? Okay.

Last year's spring break to Panama was the beginning of a sexual awakening. I never realized my potential of flirt, and how much fun it was to be in an environment that readily encouraged "deviant" behavior; general and sexual, todos los dias.

I had a blast, and it seriously is up there on the "best times of my life" list. So when it came upon my time to go to Cancun, I had expectations of a wonderful time--in fact, I figured it would be better. My first spring break I went with 5 other girls, all of whom I was not even friends with. True, one was my roommate, but she was basically non-existent, and it wasn't like we hung out or anything. Strangely, the group got a long great (no fights the whole time!) and I enjoyed their company profusely. They were a good mix; we were a good mix, and a couple of "wild ones" kept things interesting, as well as a marker to keep up and challenge myself with. (BayWatch contest anyone?)

So, to leave this year, with 5 other girls whom I can consider my best friends, my circle, the lovingly "super six" and one other girl, of which seemed reasonably nice, as I had hung out with her a bit before.....I assumed this fab mix of my best girls would only produce ten times the fun.

Also, keeping in mind, this is Cancun, not any old Panama City.

But you're probably following this one, and you know, it wasn't all that great. Ask anyone else, and they can't wait to go back. If I had to guess, I think if they have money next year....they're going to go again. Truthfully, I probably would have been ten times crazier than anyone of them, and if I hadn't had a boyfriend, I would have come back with a million stories of my escapades.

I don't know how I forgot, but those typical spring break "hot spots" are created to put you in warm weather, minimal clothes, and potential hook up 24/7. Sounds fun, huh?

But, just like the parties here...I don't enjoy them anymore. Once I started dating Jeff seriously, the whole party scene really does nothing for me. I don't like drinking all that much, and yes, I *love* to dance, but I am a grand socializer. I actually enjoy going up to random people (ahem, boys.) The approach, the flirting, the courting. It's my game, and I enjoy it. A woman's body is the most beautiful thing, and I like using it. I also get bored. It's probably the ambiversion. And while other girls may seen "the guy" across the room, and pine for him, but never actually talk to him, once i've spotted the guy I want to talk to, I psych myself up, and then....I actually go do it.

And I think it's fun. It's a mystery. You don't know how it will go, but it's a game against yourself. Confidence, is something that you must create in every instance. If you trick others into thinking you have it, you seem to actually acquire the real thing.

So, these past couple of quarters, I've noticed that TGs have really lost their appeal. I do like to dance, but not to pop WNCI junk that I've heard a billion times over. I also, have to hold back and not talk to people. If I talk to a guy, I'm encouraging him. The fact is, I like the attention, and I love to flirt, but I love Jeff, and I don't really...have the same need for attention from guys now?

Basically, I can still go out, and see an interesting guy I want to approach. But while, I want to meet this person, the drive from before...

It's like, now when I see a cute guy, or some alternative or something and I feel that desire to talk to him, I really, just want to talk to Jeff. I can go out, be with a cute guy dancing, but all it makes me think about, is that I want to be with Jeff. That I want him to be there, dancing with me. And when he [the random] goes for the kiss (even though I've told him I have a boyfriend...) I feel bad for wasting his time, that I made him think I was going to do something with him, and I just want to....get out of there. Fast.

Even if....ok, this is hard to explain, like, I enjoy kissing. (Remember i'm lip slut, right?!) I like meeting new people, and I really intensely love that brand new excitement that comes with approaching someone or the beginning of anything. And I may still wonder what it would be like to kiss him, etc, of whomever I'm with randomly at a party.

BUT, I don't want to. Like, sure, I do, but ultimately, when I have these feelings, I think of Jeff, and I want to be with him.

So, I started realizing that TG's weren't fun anymore pretty soon once this school year started. They are situations that put me in a state of stress. I think it just has something to do with how I work, and it's hard on my self-esteem to....

Oh, I think I'm having a mental break through over here ;) Wait, so I think I understand why I'm always trying to approach people. I mean, yes, I think I really do enjoy meeting people, but truthfully, it's like, if I can get a good reaction from the person with my approach, it's just a boost to my self-esteem. It's another verification of my self-worth, that I really hate that I do.

I don't think I even realized that is why I did that. But it makes sense now. The same way I rely on letter grades, is the way I rely on my looks. They're like "back up's" just in case if I don't really have a personality. Hey, at least I'm smart. Hey, at least i'm pretty. Or at least, it's probably part of it.

Anyway, I think, going to these heavily social events, and I feel this pressure to "have fun", and the way I know how to have fun is to talk to others. And, I don't think guys will want to talk to me if they know I have a boyfriend. Because even though, you don't really expect it to happen, and it's not like you plan on really getting any action, going out is fun because it's always open for potential hook-ups.

I don't want to hook up. I don't need to hook up. And being put in a hook up atmosphere, does make me want to hook up....but with Jeff. :)

So, when I was with Jeff in Cacun, I had *really* especially great times in the club. And when I wasn't, I was sort of in a pissy mood. And I don't know if it was an unconscious act by them or not, but I felt reasonably ignored after spending a night with Jeff, and not them. I think it probably wasn't on purpose--I feel left out because they're talking about what they did, the people the met, and yadda yadda.

It's hard to include someone when they weren't involved/there! But I still wanted to hear their stories, and it always felt like when I walked out to the beach, they'd be sitting in a circle, and I was outside of it.

Oh, I'm rambling, boo me, junk. ;) I mean, overall I'd give the trip a 6 (out of ten.) As far as following schedule, everything went great. And it's not like I never had fun with my girls--I did. I enjoyed being on the beach. Taking advantage of the open bar at the hotel ;) and dancing with the girls, (when I actually went out with them.)

And because sex is always fun....Jeff and I had sex out on our balcony, on the beach (er, not straight up on the beach, but back in these "ruins"--that were on the beach ;) and of course in each other's hotels. It was never for enough time, or all out. Usually too much going on around us. :)

And we did end up rolling. It was the best roll ever. (It was my third time.) I would definitly reccommend people doing it at DadyO's in Cancun. Very good music. The clubs were a treat there.

Oh, I have so much to tell, but I'm so tired....

Last night, Jeff and I had another heart-to-heart talk. Almost made him cry again. That's hard core stuff though, just getting into other people like that. It's an incredibly scary and exciting place to be. I think, I'm almost ready to have my "spiritual/religion" conversation with him. I want it to come naturally, though. I'm sure it will.

My new quarter has started. I have decided to stick with my 20 hours. It will be a challenge, and a lot of work indeed.

But we do not progress and become enlightened without a bit of a challenge. :)

amor, amor,

ag.

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Some old shout outs which have been sitting around on my computer for awhile:

"Your parents almost always have your best interests in mind."dlove Sometimes it sucks, but ultimately it's the best feeling in the world, and you really do appreciate what they do for you.

"I get to be scattered and random."ladiebugBecause she's beautifully poetic.

"I probably need this job to reiterate that a job. Is just a job. And not my life. Because this isn�t my life. I�m not here. Not really, anyway.ladieBecauseyou can never have too much ladiebug. :)

"jd: life is like topography, hobbes. there are summits of happiness and success...flat stretches of boring routine...and valleys of frustration and failure."hobbesHe always has fun little quips.

"he sits alone, hands warm at the wrist, waiting for something to happen, he realized that he would wait a long time unless he made the first move. Any move at all would be a good enough beginning"hobbesThere you go.