01 September 2003

God, I am feeling so hormone overloaded. :(

(Crying.) I feel so alone. It's the worst feeling. And I feel frustrated. And lost. And disappointed.

I hate fighting with my mom. My own lack of self control over my hormones isn't an excuse to lash out and tell people not to take it personally. I expect my brother to deal with his ADD and I can't even control my PMS. I just let myself go.

I feel so sad....I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so bored. I don't want life. Sometimes it feels so good to sleep and go away from everything.

Nothing is wrong in my life. What's wrong with me?

My mom doesn't like Jeff. I don't know what my dad thinks. Actually, I don't think my mom dislikes Jeff...I don't know what she thinks I guess I wouldn't say she does like him though. All she ever hears about him is when we're having problems or I don't like something.

I'm downstairs talking with her, joking about what my last name will be when I get married (it's a merge between the middle names of Jeff and I--progressive Women's Studies idea). I don't think we'd actually do that, but since his last name is relatively arbitrary (when his father's grandparents came to the USA from Slovenia they changed their name, and son & daughter also changed theirs)there's no good reason not go with my idea. So now there's three variations of a name that no longer exists.

Anyway, I'm yadda yadding on about the name when my mom blurts out that we're not getting married. She then starts complaining how he always bails out on me for things. Which is partly true I don't want to feel like I'm making excuses for him, but what if I feel validated in doing so? What if everything thinks I shouldn't be with someone, but they're just not saying anything.

Would it change anything even if they would tell me?

My whole life is based around Jeff. I don't have any friends. I'm pathetic.

I'm really happy with him, though. I think we'll be good together and I think we will have a happy future. I know the friends issue is a problem, but I don't really know how to do it. I've always been a 1-friend only type of person. I mean I'll have a group of friends, but I'll do everything with just one person.

That one person is Jeff. I just don't know how to manage my time between friends to make things work. And I never have wanted to. I regret not having developed relationships often looking back, but through the process I don't know how to do it. I'm such a homebody, and never feel like doing anything. So it's not like I'm actively going out and doing things all the time (and just happen to be bringing Jeff along). It's that I rarely do anything, and if I do actually go out I WANT to bring Jeff!

I would love if we had a couple to go out with.

But my mom is right in away. I do feel like I allow myself to be taken advantage. If I go out with girls Jeff just won't go even if I'd like him to. I don't resent it, because I understand it probably wouldn't be that fun. But if Jeff is going out with his friends...chances are I'll go. Most of the time I'm bored out of my mind, but I want to be with Jeff so there I go. If we had a couple that would make things better.

Most of the time I feel really "right" with Jeff. I don't really doubt the strength of our relationship or devotion, but I do occasionally have anxiety about things. I don't know how to deal with this.

It'd be so much easier if I knew we were getting married, or I knew that's where he wanted to go with this relationship. Because I think we need to figure out a lot of things and in the context of our relationship as it, it can't really be discussed. I know it's unfair to put all the pressure on the man, but at the same time they're the ones who are "slow" to commit, so it's in their court to make the play on taking a relationship further.

Often times the woman is ready to move on when the man isn't. So while it'd be great to just bring up the topic and go with it...damn, i mean if he really is ready then why won't he bring it up? I don't think it will freak him out. Actually, I think he will/does want to get married.

So what's holding me back? I'm scared to see where we really agree on a lot of things. I'm scared.

I think we have more than "love" to get us through, but does anyone really know how they'll deal with the stress of marriage and life 30 years down the road? I think we have a solid relationship, that after three years + we have a pretty good idea of how we function, and where some of our weak spots are. I do worry about keeping it "alive" when life is such a routine (especially since I'm content with it...and he's not, so I don't help). I worry that the sex issue will never be resolved. I'm scared I'll never have kids or I'll be forced to hold off longer than I want.

I'm worried I'll let him control things even when I want something else.