30 July 2002

So I'd be writing more if stuff was actually happening, but this summer has been pretty straight forward. It seems my day is either spent sleeping, working or getting high with Jeff. What has life become? ;)

I know I need to live in the moment more rather than be going through the day in hopes of some future tomorrow. I think what sucks is I don't even know what I'm working for or hoping for in the future, other than I'd like some more money....

But money to do what, get what, spend how, and what for? A lot of times this summer now that Jeff and I have concluded we cannot go on some trip if feels as if I'm working just to pay bills. Rent, insurance, loan, utilities, food, etc. Where's the fun? And what fun? I feel like such a buzz kill because I don't really go out drinking. I enjoy spending time with people, but I can't just sit around, so do what, go where? There's no where to go, nothing to do.

I think I've gotten high for the past week straight. It's a great way to kill time. Thankfully, after a week of it, even that has gotten kind of boring. It's good to know that weed isn't a way of life, simply one more thing to check off as something I tried, and something to do if you need to waste time. And after serving at night you don't want to do anything. Your legs hurt, your feet ache, you probably have a headache and your whole body is just tired. Tired of people, tired of everything. You don't really feel like going out after this.

And I can't believe my future roommates for next year. There is a girl who already lives [in the house I'm moving into in the fall] for this summer and she's making such a deal about staying in her room for the following year. And it's like--NO--why should I just let you stay in a room (that happens to be one of the biggest!) just because? I'm asking for us to do an equal draw (as we originally agreed to do!), and she's making it out like *I'm* the selfish one for making her move. Am I really being such a bitch for causing this little rumble?

I've really only been communicating with Heidi, but I feel as if she's talking trash about me to the rest of the girls. It just sucks because I think our relationship is being ruined because of it, and I don't want to fight over something dumb like bigger rooms, but at the same time I'm not going to let people just make personal decisions over me, when it's not the time to just make personal declarations "Sorry guys I'm not moving out of this room"--it's not your choice Heidi, I never signed a lease saying give Heidi this room. It's just pissing me off, that every email shot out (to the whole group mind you) makes me look like the bad guy, and i'm not asking for some huge terrible unfair thing--god, i'm asking for an equal draw--whether it be pulling straws, or names out of hats or whatever, but I mean what makes her so special that she just gets a room?

And I think what's really bothering me, is that she didn't really ask or request that she get to stay she basically just told us that she's staying. And when it comes to a house, you can't just do that, you need to work as a group. Anyway, we're not really talking right now, and nothing has been resolved. I'm kind of scared of her and every other girl moving into that house, because they're all better friends with Heidi.

This whole room deal only effects four people--the second floor room picks because everyone else has agreed to other rooms. What sucks is one girl is Heidi's best friend so she's going to support her, then the other girl living on the second floor is timid and younger and has already talked to me personally (that she agrees with my position, but will not argue or fight over the issue because she doesn't feel she has the right to)--so basically I'm thinking if I asked the house as a whole to make a decision everyone is going to say "let her stay" because it doesn't effect them. Hey if I already knew my room in the attic was guaranteed I would say let her stay too! Because at this point it really does come down to a me vs. her thing, and some of the girls don't even know me (but know heidi) and the rest of them are closer to Heidi. So even though I feel what I'm doing is "the right thing" I think favorites are going to win in this situation. It's just making my insides rip up about it.

I mean heidi was my roommate last year, and one of the girls I was closest to in the whole house? i can't enter this house having her hating on me! It just sucks. I know everything always works out in the end, but I do wish this could just be solved (no matter in who's favor!) that way i'd at least have a month to let things cool down before I move in.

I missed one of my jobs this past weekend. I was working at my internship at a local mall to promote this thing my radio station was hosting, and when I woke up at 9:30am it was pouring rain--I figured since our event is outside and the first shift starts at 7am that it would just be cancelled. So I went back to sleep (I was over at Jeff's house). Well I didn't even go home until around 2:30 (my shift would have started at 12:30) only to find in my horror that no one had called to cancel the event!! So I wasn't sure what to do....it wasn't raining at this point, so i figured it was going on, but it did seem weird that no one had even called to see where I was.

Finally I called my promotion director but he didn't answer so I left a message that my grandmother had to be put in the hospital and I was with my family, and I had just got home. Which was partly a lie--my grandmother had been entered into the hospital--I just wasn't there. Well no one called me, so I just skipped out and went home. I did actually go and visit my grandmother but I still feel really guilty about...well basically just skipping work. I mean it wasn't completely with bad intentions, but I do feel pretty dumb/bad about it. And no one has still yet to say anything to me! I keep waiting for my boss to email me or something. Oh well.

So I've been working three jobs for most of the summer. Two serving and then one with the internship. My most recent serving job really sucks, I can't tell you how happy I was to put in my two weeks. It'll be so nice not to work there anymore. There was just a bunch of little things that bothered me about the restaurant, but most importantly I wasn't making any $$$$ there--and isn't that the point? I could have dealt with the rest of the junk but to make it worse I just felt like anytime I was there I was wasting my time. After all the shifts I've worked I've only had two good ones. It just sucks and I cannot wait to be done with it.

I am seriously considering giving up serving for good. Or at least taking a hiatus. I just can't take not knowing what I'll make. I need something I can rely on. And I understand that I'm not likely to be making any big bucks working a mainstream job, but at least I'll have other experience on my resume other than serving, plus I can map out my finances because I'll know what's actually coming in. Jeff's mother works at a realtor company and they'll need a secretary type figure on Sat & Sun 9-5 starting in the fall--I think I may take the job.

It pays 9 dollars and hour. Compared to most people I know that wage is pretty decent. Admittedly i'll miss knowing I could be making an easy 75 dollar day with 5 hours at a restaurant...but at least I won't have to worry about walking with 25 or so. It's just hard on the server soul let me tell you. Besides I've been serving for three years straight now. I need a break!!

A family friend of Jeff's is getting married in August on the beach of Florida and his family invited me to take the trip down there. We'll be on the beach for a week. It'll be so nice, I think we're renting out a condo. I'm not sure if this is a freebie ride for me or not. Jeff's parent's have already booked the flight and condo, so in the meantime i've paid nothing, which is so nice! Of course I will offer to pay, and will be completely ready to cover my side of the expenses, but I have a feeling his family will refuse. Either way the vacation will be nice. (Did I write about this in a prev. entry, I can't remember!--sorry if I did).

I just want to lay out and veg around! Whoo, I'm excited about it.

I'm feeling really disappointed with my body lately. I need to work out. It's just frustrating because the school athletic facility doesn't open until 3pm--of which I'm usually at work. And the days I don't work I can't just sit around all day waiting so I can work out and then shower and not get my day started until 5pm you know? That's one thing I do miss from not living at home. I would get up and immediately jump on my mom's treadmill. I bet she hasn't even used it once this summer, but she told me I couldn't bring it down to campus because she really needs to start working out. And that's great and all...but c'mon I knew she wouldn't ever use the thing. I also don't like working out in a public place because my face turns into a tomato and I sweat like I've never worked out before, I'm just one big mess and I look disgusting.

It's hard to concentrate on getting fit when you're worried about what other people are thinking about you. And it's easy to do when you're at the gym anyway. I mean you're bored out of your mind to begin with, I know I people watch when I'm running or using a machine or something. Anyway...I hope I will work out during the school year again. I just feel like I'm getting completely out of shape. I don't really feel like I've gained any weight necessarily, but I just don't feel toned, and I might be gaining inches, I don't know. haha, I make it sound like I'm this monster or something. Jeff keeps telling me how great I look, etc, and I believe him, it's just hard....being a girl sometimes. You do want to live up to this standard of beauty, and I don't feel like I'm quite hitting it. I would love it if I could lose ten pounds or so--but wouldn't we all?

In closing...our AC is broke and my room has turned into a hot box. I do believe it may be cooler outside than in here, it's pretty awful. To make it worse when I asked Jeff if I could have my room AC back until this gets fixed (cuz knowing campus realtors that could take forever!) he got all quiet and depressed because he would have to go buy his own. He kind of made me feel all guilty about asking it back, but it's like c'mon--why should I melt in the heat when the AC is mine!?

Talk to you later,

Ag