This is Where I Journey From and To...
02 October 2019
Do I start at the beginning or go from where I am?
My last entry was five years go. Do you know what a lifetime ago that is?
I stopped writing here probably about the same time I started micro-journaling. First with OhLife and then later with DailyDiary. It's useful. I love the flashback feature. But it's not the same as this. It's not the same as pulling out a journal and writing word upon word.
I have had so many experiences that are now probably lost to hazy memory and time. Documenting, capturing, especially the sensual, descriptive nature of an event along with your emotional state and your reactive feelings in the moment is such a beautiful expression. I feel loss that I didn't take the time to record it.
For anyone following the story I'm sure it surprises no one that J and I have split. Nineteen years. It's not official, nothing legal has been done yet here I am. Here we are.
It seems so pedestrian now to write it. I moved out. I broke the marriage. It had been broken for so long. Disenchanted, disillusioned. Yet...my life right now is so full and interesting. I'm excited and curious, and strumming with life and awe in a way that is so beautiful. I'm alive. How glorious, truly.
So do I go back? Recall the steps that have brought me to where I am? They have not been properly documented. Does it matter?
I am 38 years old and I am rebuilding my life. It's interesting to me because this feels like an adult. I am an adult. i am a working professional. I'm raising a daughter. But, i'm also free-spirited. Bathed in a passionate youth of some kind even while existing in my [limited] wisdom of age. It's funny to think of my parents, now in their late 60s, perhaps feeling similarly. There's so much expectation. How you are supposed to be and behave.
I never was meant to follow a normal trajectory. Surprise, I'm the one who is surprised to end up where I am.
I read that divorce is one of the few occasions that can actually change, permanently change your personality. How wild is that?
I'm in love, of sorts. I met someone. And he is unlike anyone I've ever known. He's an ENFJ. It's magical. To be with someone who is emotionally aware, expressive, and holistic is...so strange. We are both on this very strange journey in our lives and we are...special to each other. It cannot be anything more than it is. Maybe later it might be, but I doubt it. I think, we will be lovers, perhaps for a lifetime, perhaps over many lifetimes. I'm still trying to figure us out. Maybe that's the point.
We are a catalyst. The influence, the impact on each other is life-changing, but I also think about that energy and how we have influenced and changed others as well.
So where am I today?
I keep circling back to these major points:
- I am a mother, but motherhood does not define me. I am not bound to culture and its expectations. But I recognize that I live in it. My daughter is hugely important and influences my life and decisions. I accept that reality.
- I am separated, from my ex of 19 years. This process is not easy and I am nowhere close to finding any finality. There is no "new normal." Not yet. I am going through a major life change and an incredible self-discovery and growth period. I am gentle with myself. I am strong.
- I believe honestly that there are people that naturally align themselves with monogamy, even if serial monogamy, and then there are others that don't. This is not a choice so much as a truth. It's the way we were built. I don't subscribe to monogamy and I am OK with that. I don't know what capacity I have to exist within an open relationship but I am experimenting with it now. This is critically important to me. It might not even be monogamy but simply a greater appreciation for freedom and self-choice, to live with autonomy. I'm figuring this out as I go. Trying to open myself up and to experience all of the emotions and really sit with it to understand. More importantly, I cannot enter into a relationship that isn't open. I trust this.
- I am on a psychedelic journey. The very sentence sounds comical. Okay, Aglaia....but it's true. It started with aya and I have since been doing real therapeutic work with psilocybin. I am excited and encouraged by how this has opened me up. Acceptance of another kind.
- My tribe. Right now, building a tribe that is authentic, to who I really am is everything. I am putting myself out there, not just for the novelty of new experiences and situations, but to find and meet people. I cannot do this alone. I am starting over. It's scary. But I know, having a circle of friends, to learn from, to grow with, to trust, to find security in friendships and love...that is what I need the most right now and without I can't succeed.
This is where I am. This is where I journey from and to. I look forward to sharing it with you.