21 August 2001

I buy my car tomorrow. A '97 red Ford Escort LX. I think I'll be happy with it. It's the perfect size, and as long as it doesn't have any hidden problems it should be a really great drive. It'll be nice to not have to worry about getting to work, or waiting around for someone to go somewhere (that I want to go) when I'm at school. I can come home whenever I want. Go out and grab some food, or drive to the grocery or the mall, or anywhere, and I won't have to rely on other people! That'll be a great relief.

I'm PMSing. It's that lovely time of the month, that I curl up into a ball and cry in my bed...for no reason at all. It's that time where the little things hurt my feelings; I may say hurtful things, I may accuse you of saying hurtful things, I may plain just be weird. I'll probably be high and hyper for about thirty seconds, then depressed and crumbled for the next...two hours. I will want food as if I have never eaten before. I will desire chocolate as if it were heaven....or no, more like air--because I will need it. I will retain water. I will feel fat. I will be frustrated, annoyed, upset, depressed and pensive...without knowing why. I will pull away. But I will need you more than anything else.

I will think about every bad thing that has ever happened to me while crying. I will think of my mistakes, my failures, my future failures, and things that I cherish now--that I could lose. Commercials will make me teary-eyed, and my breasts will hurt when I bounce down the stairs. Cramps will ravage my stomach, and headaches and backaches will bring me close to tears because you really can't imagine the kind of pain it is. And it doesn't matter what I take, the pain will remain until it wants to stop.

I might have insomnia. I might have no energy. I'll probably be pissy. I won't be able to take a joke. I'm going to eat a bag of potato chips on my own (even though I don't like potato chips.) I will want to be held. To be comforted. To be lazy. To have all the problems in the world saved. Especially my own.

You know how after you spend a lot of time with the same girl(s) you all seem to have the same cycle pattern going on? I think I've given my cycle to Jeff.

Yes, I've given PMS to Jeff. What a week to be pulling away from each other and feeling weird...as if I'm not emotionally instable enough. Tonight we were being...frustrated with each other. And finally he blurts out that he feels...something, (annoyed? frustrated?) by absolutely nothing! haha, I gave him PMS. I know that sounds weird, but I think I did. I think somehow our bodies are trying to match each other...because we spend so much time together, it really isn't that strange to imagine it. So girls...I pose this question to you: watch how your significant other acts while you too are PMSing...see any PMS-ish behavior? Hmmm?

This is my last official week of classes for the summer. (yaa.) I have a take home final. I'd say that's a good thing, but I imagine she'll just make it tougher. So perhaps for those who don't study this will give them something to work for. But, I'm a good study-er, and I'd rather just have a straight forward mult. choice/essay/short answer jimmy then some deep, challenging take home final. I'm not sure how she'll do it, but I mean, it's gotta be difficult, or why else make it a take home?

I think I need to write one more paper too. This is my last chance (to turn it in Thursday.) I figure, I might as well. There's no reason not to have an A in this class. Especially after last quarter (3.92 GPA).....I start getting greedy for good grades. I feel like I've put in the work and I deserve it. So with a report grade of a "B"...I would hate to see that be the mark that puts me down. My test grades have been good, and I've done extra credit and such but....hell, might as well give that extra effort.

Of course, that *would* involve effort. And I'm not sure if I'm really all up to the challenge at the moment.

I'm tellin y'all right now that I'm gonna win the Publishing Clearing House sweepstakes. Why? Cuz I've been entering my name in the contest every single day, and once I buy this car, money is just gonna kill me. Can you believe 2800 for full coverage auto insurance?? Does that not seem rediculous? I use to pay 1600 a year. So I'm not getting full, and now it's gonna be 1860. So a lot better, but still more than I used to pay. I also, usually have money for it in my bank...so when it comes I just pay the whole thing. This time...I just bought a car, and I'm plain broke. :(

I'm going to have bills for my car loan and for my insurance.....and bleh, when I get out of school my student loans will start coming in. This is a bitch, I tell ya.

I get kind of psycho when i owe money, or when i'm trying to save it. Like, I won't go anywhere or buy anything--until i go on some binge, cuz i've been holding back all that girl spending power or something. It's not good. I won't be working that much this quarter. Some weeks it'll only be one day a week--wednesday, and that isn't exactly the best money making day. I hope all goes well. Student loans may help back me up if i need 'em, but usually i use most of my loan for books and food. sigh.

Talk later, ag.