Aglaia | Click to view my profile.

Latest Entry Older Entries Old Journal (HS, Early College) Send E-Mail Aglaia's Survey Read/Sign Dreambook

argument with Jeff, his trip to LA, job interview

29 August 2003

HAha, I've been so bitter, bitter and boring haven't I? That's the life of a post-college grad living at home with no responsibilities whining about nothing.

You feel bad when you open up a newspaper and read about real life journey's or see people on TV dying for everyday existence.

But as I've said before that doesn't make my "problems" any less real for me. It's a different reality and while the pain is more or less whatever the life you live, mentally you anguish the same.

Not that I'm in anguish...I really am relatively pain-free. I have my bouts of self-doubt and crushing PMS but overall life is pretty ok.


Things have been happening and I'm sad I haven't recorded them. There was a fight with Jeff, fidelity tested (I passed), a trip to L.A. (Jeff not me) and a job interview. Where to begin?

Miscommunication is the source of many-a-problem for Jeff and I. It's hard to know if it's a simple relationship/boy-girl issue or if it's something that's unique to us. But it starts with one thing and then it snowballs to a point of upset. Although, I am rarely upset. Mostly just confused.

What's bad is when things get all solved I'm perfectly content with things and ready to move on with my life. Jeff is unable to move on. Whether his anger or hurt is based on miscommunication or misunderstandings doesn't matter, he won't let go of his initial emotion...even if he understands it was based on...not what he thought it was. I know this doesn't make sense.

Anyway, I let him be dumb and angry for a day until he became normal again (I have noticed this is the pattern. It sucks. I hate waiting for him to "come around" b/c he won't even discuss it. He just works it out on his own time and then one day everything is nice and normal like nothing ever happened.)

He said some pretty hurtful things. For example that he feels he's giving us "110% and I'm not putting in any effort" into the relationship. WHAT? I don't know who he's kidding.

I'd like to know where all his effort is going. And I feel like I'm giving him plenty of attention and time so I don't get what his feelings are based on--obviously this is something that needs to be worked out. I'm not meeting his needs (which sucks) and he thinks he's going above and beyond meeting my needs (la la la, I don't think so.)

This is an example of any given night. I call him. Do we want to hang out? Yes. Would Jeff like to come to my place? No. I once again go to his house. I find him there sitting on the computer talking to "insiders" in the progressive house world online and listening to music. After attempting to kiss/hold and gain the attention of the boyfriend I usually end up sitting in the chair behind him twiddling my thumbs.

I wait.

I wait.

Usually at some point I tell him I'll be watching TV in the other room. He promises me he's getting off in just a minute.

Minutes later.....minutes later.

He'll show up and do something in the kitchen...either eating, looking through mail, cleaning up,etc.

He'll eventually end up beside me where he'll either play with my boobs or essentially ignore me. I attempt to kiss him and get nothing more than a smooch while his eyes never leave the TV.


I'm sorry, that's 110%? But that's a negative view of the night. Overall I enjoy laying on the couch and being held and talking with him and watching TV. Uneventful--but c'mon we're living at our parent's house, we don't have much money and I don't like to drink. What else are we going to do?

I *really* like kissing. I know that's a cliche girl thing, but that's how I feel aroused, close, passionate and comforted. That's how I show my love and that's what I want back. I think Jeff likes kissing and all that, but I don't think it's anything special for him. To me it's SO important.

He'll get me off without touching me anywhere else. That's great.....but as soon as I orgasm I still don't feel aroused. I suppose I'm not giving my 110% because I'm not returning the favor and going down on him or whatever he wants, but it's like....sorry you didn't do anything for me. For him the orgasm is everything and...it's nice, but not 15 seconds after I come, I can't even remember the feeling. It's completely disconnected. It might as well have been a vibrator.

I don't want a dildo I want an attentive loving boyfriend. I know we should have sex more. Yes, I do feel bad I don't "put out" for him. Yes, I feel like I must be sexually dysfunctional--I am a 22 year old that can't peform. My body just doesn't respond. Even when I feel like having sex it's hard to get the juices flowing. I'm dry as a rock and it makes sex painful. I know unconsciously I don't pursue sex because I'm afraid I'll be so dry he won't even be able to enter me.

It's very frustrating. It's easier for me to avoid having sex. When I told my doctor I was on the dry side she told me to use lube and that was it. Well lube just doesn't do it. I still dry up very quickly and half the time my vagina feels like it's on fire after we have (short-lived) sex.

It's not that I don't enjoy sex. I do! And I even think of myself as a sexual person, but it's hard to attempt sex when I'm worried about whether my body is going to work with me or not. And since I don't orgasm from sex to be honest I'm relatively content with being close and kissing. I feel like there are only about 4 days of the month that I REALLY feel like having sex and my body goes with the flow.

But what's really insulting is Jeff will purposely....reject me when I feel like having sex. I think he feels rejected by me a lot of the times, so when I try to initiate it he pushes me away so I know what it feels like. And that is so hurtful. And to me it's like--hello! I actually feel like having sex, please, work with me! And I would never purposely hurt jeff. I would feel awful trying to do something to him and knowingly hurting him. And he admitted (during this "fight") that he knows he's doing it.

Why would he do that? I don't think he really understands/believes that I have a "problem." And whether it's in my mind or a real issue I don't know, but the truth is I do feel some anxiety about sex because of the dry-issue. I feel like he takes it personally that I don't get "aroused" by him. So it only makes things worse. I know I need to talk to a real gynocologist (not just my family doctor).

I just don't want them to tell me it's all in my mind or there's nothing I can do. I don't know what they could do for me...I wonder if it's the pill--ortho tri cyclene(sp?)? I've heard of that lowering libido. But it does feel like something is wrong with me.


Jeff went to L.A. for a week. He drove out with a girl(friend) from HS who was moving there. I think he pretty much partied hard for a week (they stopped in Vegas and everything!) I was...a bit jealous. I didn't think anything would happen, but the girl he went was is incredibly cool and laid back as well as attractive, and I never asked if they had a history together or not but even if not....

Being alone with someone for half a week in the car--you're sure to do some bonding after that. And if she was interested in him what a perfect opportunity to act on it, you know? But I trust Jeff plus I've hung out with the girl before and I didn't think there was anything going on between them, but...a little jealously is only healthy ;)

I'm sure if I left for a week Jeff would party everynight. What did homebody aglaia do? Stayed in, watched movies, hung out with my brother, etc. Exciting, huh? I guess I never feel like going out, b/c going out means drinking.

It's just not the way I'd like to spend my money or my calories. Drinking can be fun but mostly I feel like it's a chore. Plus, it's sad but I really don't have any girlfriends anymore. I do everything with Jeff.

I just realized that if I were to be married tomorrow I wouldn't have any bridesmaids. I mean I love Heidi and Kathryn, but I'm not exactly good friends with them anymore. And Jenny, I mean we used to hang out all the time when we were roomies but I haven't even talked to her all summer--and she hasn't called me either! I feel closer to my "girlfriends" at work than I do some of my school friends. Which is okay, I spend the most time with them.

I mean I work nights how am I supposed to be with other people? I wake up, go to the gym, work on a few things around the house then go to work. I'm tired when I get out so it's not like I want to go out-out. I don't know. I know it's excuses, but if I actually have a free night during the week I'd rather go out with Jeff than with anyone.


I got a job interview! Yaaah. It's with a local association (the specifics aren't important). My title would be "education assistant"--I would be helping out in the area of meetings/seminars for the continuing education courses for the association's members.

It's a lot like what I was doing for my winter internship and I think I'll like the job. There is a huge conference coming up in six months that I would get to be heavily involved in so while it's not exactly the kind of event/meetings I had in mind, i think this would be a good start for me.

The first interview went very well. I met my director and the head honcho guy of the place. The actual association has a lot of members, but the office is very small. Only 8 or so people work there! (But I think that might mean I'd have an office ;) Haha, I probably have a small desk inside someone's room or gasp (a receptionist desk?!). Bleh, that would be terrible, but at this point I am just so excited to have an actual job prospect!

Anyway, they called me the next day and told me they were very impressed and wanted to set up a second interview (it's next Tuesday!). From what I've heard since, it's between me and another person so I have a good shot at it. I'm thinking I can definitly do this job, and at least the two I met I think I would get along fine with them.

It would be so good to get out of my restaurant. Having a job in Columbus does bring up some uncomfortable questions though. Seeing that Jeff and I are trying to get out of here I don't think either of us were planning on getting a place. But if I have a "real" job I should probably stay for at the very least six months, and better still a year or more. And If i'm going to be here that long...god I don't want to live at home any more. Just for the sake of Jeff and I--we don't have a lot of sex, but living at our parent's certainly isn't helping ;)

I can't wait until Jeff and I can just fall asleep together at night. I am excited about our future and want to get started in on the rest of our life. My only hope is that Jeff is able to find an awesome job in a new city. I saw some of the ads he was looking at to respond to and I think my eyes jumped out of my head. Haha, 50K to start out, and most of the jobs were for a lot more! I'm looking at 28K (at best!). Haha, not that I want to mooch off Jeff or anything, but just with his talent and abilities...he'll definitly be the breadwinner (at least at first ;)

I have the potential to make a lot of money depending on what field of event/meeting planning I end up in, but to start off, I'm going to make nothing. I have to establish myself. Just as Jeff will have to of course, but he does have the ability to be handed a project and just go with it. I'm going to need a little more structuring. He may have to learn some of business/sales aspect of Design, but when it comes to process and results....he is amazing. So if you're looking for a product designer.... :)


I have developed a fine rash all over my face. Just in time for an interview--great! It's not super noticeable or anything, unless if you're really looking, but I of course can see it and it's really irritating. The Doc said I probably just came into contact with "something." (That's helpful, right?) So I'm hoping it clears up by Tuesday, but I doubt I'll have such luck. Anyway, hopefully the next time I write I have a job!

love, ag.


The past three years around this time I was writing....

In 2000 I was still complaining about bad tips.

In 2001 I had a dream about Jeff that made me love and appreciate him more.

In 2002 I claimed it was an offical pot-head summer and realized I wanted to marry Jeff.






Hosted by Diaryland

Sign the Guestbook (Site is down)

Sign the NEW Guestbook

Random Entry Generator

Aglaia's Diaryland Picks

Template by Marty