11 March 2001

Yo.

I feel hyper and tired. Don't you hate that feeling. It's like my body can't decide if it wants to crash or go run around the house to let out some unknown source of energy.

And speaking of, I have to go lift some weights before I go to bed. (Self_Challenge and all).

Hah, I decided to consider Saturday's morning sex as one of my "cardio" activities. C'mon, it lasted far longer than 20 minutes, got my heart pumping, and I was sweating, hehe.

I've done pretty poor on the first week's "nutrition goals" though. I should be shooting for a 1755 calorie intake per day. I seem to average 1500 (-).

Which explains why I don't gain weight even though I eat junk food, etc. ;) Haha, I must be so malnourished.

But I'm thinking there's no way you can eat the proper amount of "breads, fruits, veggies, etc." that you should be, and stay at your supposed calorie intake target. I mean, I would go way over if I got everything in. Oh well. I didn't think I could do a "diet" but I'm just hoping I stick with the "challenge" to exercise. I doubt this has anything to do with it (after only one week) but I did get on the scale today, and read I was 129. I used to live at 126, only to find myself at 135 for the longest time. I think, I would like to be under 130 as my desired weight. I'm 5'9, so 135, or even 140 would probably look okay on me.

So 129, is a good thing. Of course, that can fluctuate in the matter of hours (er, minutes?) and I could be right back at 135 right now for all I know. But it was a nice thing to see.

But weight loss isn't the point of the challenge. I'd like to be healthy and exercise regularly just so it would become a habit. Exericise is an empowering thing. It's this demanding battle against your body. Against laziness. Against yourself. So to actually get out there, and motivate yourself, it feels good. But boy am I lazy! ;)

Jeff and I had a really emotional bonding session Friday night. He called me drunk. He had basically been through a "hour of power" w/ malt beer grossness. I think he had done a little over 100 shots of it. (shot a minute). So drunk, he was asking me to come over.

I almost didn't, because it's no fun just sitting in someone's room while you watch them blubber out words on the verge of passing out. But of course I went, because I can't turn down an opportunity to see the boy (drunk or not ;). Once there, it started typically, me basically trying to have a conversation with him sitting there, out of his mind drunk.

Somehow, we started into this conversation, and it turned to drugs. And I was getting all giddy and joking about us doing E together while in Cancun (cuz it would be fun to do it--it has been since last Spring Break that I did it, AND to do it with Jeff would be even more fun to watch!). So he's like, "yeah, i'll do it, but only if you get high with me!"

And at first I'm like, "noo, I don't want to corrupt you, by having you try E". And he's all serious, like "you can't corrupt me." And then, it's like, I realize, that it's sort of weird that he would *want* to get high (isn't he supposed to be anti-all that?). And then it's like...."wait, how could I *Not* be able to corrupt you?"

We had the whole drug conversation pretty early into our relationship, sometime last summer. So I knew that he had smoked pot (perhaps even regularly in HS) but now was pretty much anti-drugs now. [Which I took as a really great thing!]. And just telling him that I had done E twice, was kind of a hard thing to tell someone you would like to equally impress with such a "anti-drug" stance.

So I give him this look, and asked him what he meant by that. And from that point on, it turned into this torturous experience of pulling-teeth, frustration, and unknowing, of what he had done (drug wise). He would throw something out there like "What would think if I did heroin?" or "What if you found out I did cocaine time to time, but I'm not addicted to it?" Talk about, "ahhh!" He kept on saying different things, then retracting it, I didn't know what to believe.

Finally, I pulled away, and turned my back to him (we were lying together on his couch). I figured at this point, it was his turn to make his decision and just tell me the truth. So he tells me.

It was the second day we had met, during Derby Days. Our "70s night", his apartment, actually, the first picture of us (that neither of us remembered being taken ;). And he said that he was really drunk that night, and someone offered him something, some drug, and he didn't know what it was, still doesn't know, but he took it. He sniffed it.

So he said he had a couple of options of what it could have been. Reports from other people said he was out of control that night, that when spoken to he muttered out gibberish. What do I remember?. Not much. I was just as drunk that week, and most of it is a blur. I remember fragments. I remember being at his house, talking to his roommate. I remember that night, on the dance floor in their basement; I was wearing this halter, belly baring top, in a woven fabric. I can remember his hands, pulling against my stomach as we danced, my back to his front.

And I thought it was everynight but Wednesday that we had downtimes, alone but surrounded, in conversation as we cooled off. But maybe not Tuesday, who knows. I don't remember him acting anything out of the ordinary than a drunk Jeff.

It was also only the second day I had met him. And I admit, when I think of the Jeff of derby days, vs. the Jeff I know, it is a bit different. But anyway.

He was *so* scared to tell me this. And when he finally did, after this emotional tug and pull to get it out of them, it was just, surprising, and shattering. Well, the fact that he did "something" wasn't so upsetting (it could happen to anyone when you're that drunk, even if you are anti-drug, it could have very well been me that somethin like that would occur). But, he also told me that just a couple of days ago he got really high with some people.

That was what bothered me. I guess, from the get-go of that original drug conversation, he made himself out to be this anti-pot person. So, even though, I still have the desire to get high (at least once :) I agreed with him (about being anti-pot). And for the most part, I do feel that way. I don't believe in a regular drug habit, but I also don't feel...anything against people who do it (while still having a good, productive life.) If he would have just said, "hey, I'm not into drugs, i've seen it ruin a lot of people's lives (and it has for him), but getting high is kind of fun, and I do it occasionally."

That would have been completely acceptable to me. I could have shared my feelings on the subject, feel more "okay" about the fact that I've done E (and enjoyed it :) and yadda yadda.

And it all just came out of him, in the most excruciating long way. Making me all crazy about him doing heroin and such. I mean, it's completely different thing that it was this random occurance that he took "something". He just was soo, completely sweet about it. He's never told anyone, and he basically was so ashamed about it, and scared that I would break up with him (because I told him I was as equally anti-drug). I'm glad...he eventually told me. I'm glad, he can share something like that with me. Something, he's never told any of his brothers or even his best friend Cam or anyone.

He just looked like he was going to cry, he had his head buried in his pillow after he told me. I guess, part of it, for me, was emotionally stressful, because he just got all choked up, saying he was disappointed with himself, that he didn't want the first time we met, the first time he was with me, to be all strung out. And that, when he smoked up, (which I guess he does every 3 months or so?) is because he was just so sick of everything he had to escape.

I've never....gotten to that point? I told him I just cried. And he was like, "and then you get right back up, and start doing whatever you should be doing again." And I guess for him, he couldn't.

And I guess, that really scared me. And I started crying, because I'm a dork. ;)

But I don't know, he didn't continue from there. But it's just....really an interesting night, in the sense, that it was deep down soul baring stuff. I think I was about to tap into something, but when I broke down, he just stopped.

Somehow we moved away from that...and into sex?

Haha (just going through all the checks that night!). He talked about his last girlfriend. How they broke up, and etc. He asked me how many people I had been involved with. (One other.) And the same for him too! Which is nice knowing. He basically dated this girl sometime his sophomore year for a couple of months.

Which is exactly when I lost mine too. Same "relationship time period." So basically, it's just one more thing we have in common. It's nice knowing, that we're both each other's first real serious relationship. And I don't know how many times they had sex in that two month relationship (I only had sex twice in mine), but we have certaintly grown in our experience together as far as sex is concerned!

Haha, like we were each other's "real" firsts. Hehe, I am so cheesy!

But it was another level of intimacy this weekend, and I really...appreciated it.

Oh, I love him.