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Dealing with issues between Jeff and I

07 May 2004

When you're living in the middle of a situation --how are you supposed to look outside of yourself, the place, the conditions to really understand what's going on? Can you?

I want to do what's best for my life but I don't know....what's going on or if I should be doing things differently.

I love Jeff and he's so much of my life, and I'm so ready to just pick up everything, move out with him and start this new chapter and then...I just feel stunted and bummed and confused and little too over-analyzing probably about everything.


My job is really boring right now. I would say for the past three weeks I haven't had anything 'real' to do. My supervisor...I think is just overwhelmed with work and homelife and that just leaves me kind of hanging. Either she gives me something stupid to do that takes like two minutes or she suggests I give something a try....of which I would have no idea on how to even begin (and then isn't around to help instruct me). I've been keeping myself busy and have appreciated the time to really clean out my office as the woman who had my office before hoarded just about everything.

But...who wants to clean out an office, files, folders and disks for 8 hours a day? I have side projects but with no direction or history I don't know what to do with them. I have no understanding of my power/authority and my supervisor is such a detail/power figure....I could spend all day coming up with a menu just to have her change it all...simply because. (Why is a BLT wrap better than a chicken salad croissant?) Which is fine...but then why have me do it at all?

And when I write our meeting reports I don't mind her looking over them...she usually has good changes or catches minor errors. But when it takes her over a week to review it...and by that time so much has happened since the meeting...I think it looks poorly on me when I actually go to send out the final report to the committee members.

But anyway. I've been thinking...if there was ever a time to woo me with fantastical thoughts of moving to far away lands with new jobs and spirits now would definitly be the time. I know I have lots of things to do...and give me a month I'll be thick into a lot of things and plenty busy, but when it's feast or famine...I'm starving over here.

I keep looking up "dream" vacations to Europe or the Greek Islands. I've got money to burn and opportunity to spend it. Let's go! I do feel like I need a vacation. I want to travel. I want do something. Anything.


Jeff is ignoring me. He's such a...dick? Can I say that? As much as I love him... when he does this...it's so pointless and degrading. It's like our relationship doesn't even exist. I don't exist and I don't get how you can think like that. It's one thing to go off on your own for whatever reason, but I'm pretty sure he's purposely "punishing" me. And for what do I owe such punishment?

Well, you see I don't like to drink and I'm a HUGE bummer when it comes to partying....b/c I obviously don't. Not only that, I actually like to get 8 hours of sleep during the week. Yes, I am not much fun to go out with--but what's the motivation for me? Ohhh, let's go to a bar where I can smell like smoke, be bored out of mind, consume calorie loaded drinks that taste terrible. FUN!

Do I like his friends? Well, to be honest, no I don't really care for his high school friends. I think they're immature and living in a different world of goals and interests than I am. I did like a lot of his fraternity brothers but we don't see a lot of them anymore. And even then, there were only a few that I *really* liked hanging out with...and we didn't hang out with them all that much and don't at all now.

Sure Jeff wants to go out...he likes to drink and he's hanging out with buddies who he has a huge shared history with. Making small talk with these people is pretty awful...we don't have anything in common. If it wasn't for Jeff I would never hang out or talk to people like that. I don't mean to be mean or snotty...they're fine and all nice people and they always cool when I'm around but....no way. Not the people I would choose to be my friends, as I've said we have absolutely nothing in common.

Which is fine. I get a long with the friends fine and they seem to get along with me fine but they are His friends...and maybe that's my own fault I haven't tried harder to incorporate them as "our" friends. I'm willing to admit that but I won't apologize for not trying harder because I've had four years of observing these guys and I think in that time I should have built up a decent sketch of personalities and characteristics and I'm sure they have to have recognized that I am in no way a type of girl they would ever choose to hang out with at all either.

And I'm okay with that. :)

It's not that I try to avoid hanging out with them...but I don't think Jeff gets why I don't want to go out (on top of my general apathy towards going out, la la la) but I mean...who wants to go out and sit around with people they find a bore?


Anyway, Jeff does what he always does when he's frustrated or unsatisfied with something--disappears from my life and consumes his friends and their activities. It does hurt because it makes me feel as if I'm completely a bore to him as well.

I don't live an exciting life and as much as I'd like to be spontaneous and fun I hate to admit it but I like habit and I like knowing what's going on in my schedule. And if "going out" consisted of more than just sitting at a bar maybe I'd actually want to.


It just feels like Jeff completely controls the status of our relationship. It's "good" only on his terms. We usually hang out everyday. I don't think that's necessary but I don't mind seeing him, and usually enjoy it quite a bit to the point that when we do skip a day it almost feels sad/weird because you just get used to spending so much time with someone.

But sure, we both have things we like to do and there's no reason you have to spend every second together. Even living together or married--you still have your own activities or things you want to do and you don't have to be side by side always. BUT, even if we're not seeing each other we usually talk on the phone or over IM or SOMETHING.

He's pretty much been ignoring me since last week. And I didn't mind too much this week because I had things I wanted to do, but it would have been nice to talk or anything. He's avoided calling me at all or responding to my IMs and when we do speak it's like pulling teeth and I get no response or "whatever."

I called him last night to see if he wanted to hang out. The phone hung dead for a period of time before he sighed and said, "you can come over if you want to." Ohh, how inviting. So I passed on that one but expressed interest in going out to lunch with him the following day--something we usually look forward to. Again, silence and then mumbling about being really busy during lunch. okay... Then do I get to see you tomorrow evening, I asked? Pause. He's going out. With who? (Don't know). Fine....

That was the end of that conversation. Today we briefly spoke over IM during work and he said he was going home for lunch. I asked him if I could join him. Instead of the usual excitement it was "I guess, if you want to."

Fucker. (Excuse my langugage, please).

Well, I figured I might as well make the effort to see if I couldn't make things better but I ended up being stranded at work by myself so I couldn't go. Not that he seemed to care of course. I would have probably just bothered him by coming from the sound of it.

Anyway, I told him again that I would like to see him tonight which was not responded to.

So finally around 10pm I call him to see what's going on, half surprised he even answered his cell at all. He was getting ready to leave when I called (thanks a lot). I never did get where he was going or with who...when I attempted to invite myself, once again I got no response.

I'm trying here, but I'm not going to be miserable all night if he's going to ignore me even when I see him! So I'm kind of "la la la"-ing and finally ask if it's more of a boy's night...no response really to that either. At this point I'm pretty sick of having a conversation by myself and get the feeling I'm interrupting him (he is trying to leave after all) so I express that I'm a little disappointed I don't get to see him and am about to say goodbye when he asks me what I'll do for the night.

I tell him I didn't have anything planned as I thought I would be hanging out with him (feeling rather pathetic at this point) and then sarcastically says, "Oh, are you going to watch TV then fall asleep...because isn't that what you always do?"

And, the anger...the anger that rose in me. I wanted to slap him (through the phone??!). You know, I'm trying really hard to be friendly and upbeat and loving and interested asking him about work and anything to have a normal boyfriend/girlfriend conversation and I'm even telling him that I WANT to go out and I get nothing back except a rude comment like that? It inspired cruel thoughts and I really wanted to respond with something hateful and equally as rude, which is completely unlike me.

So, I can't remember specifically what I said but I'm pretty sure it was snotty and huffy and that I had enough of the conversation. And before he could say anything (not that it appears he cares or even would) I said goodbye and hung up. I thought perhaps seeing that I was obviously upset (and rarely show anger, almost never) he would call back. But I wasn't surprised that he didn't.

I immediatly poured myself a bowl of tears.

I'm just hurt, alone...angry. I don't know what he wants. What does he expect from me?

I'm sick of having these stupid, immature ignoring episodes over things that aren't changing. There is no constructive conversations on how to work through issues or manage things. There's only two different opinions and then the boyfriend who goes off and ignores me for awhile until he gets over it, comes back smiling and wonderful like nothing has changed or happened and then we start the cycle all over again.

And it's like...if I voice my concerns or my issues with him--either he gets defensive and I feel like shit and out-argued (I just don't see it the "right way") or he shuts down and feels "poor me" for having hurt me--which is just as bad as me not having said anything because he goes off to deal with his personal demons ignoring me and our existence until he's better again.

I just want to say grow up and face reality. This is who I am. If it sincerely is going to put you in a crimp everytime you really think about it or you let it bubble to the surface then as much as I hate to even consider the possibility but maybe we shouldn't be together.

God, then my whole life unpeels and I'm raw and crushed. But, I can't deal with this.

I think of us when we're together and when it's good and I'm so overwhelmed with our love and happiness that it doesn't make sense when he's like this. What's really going on in him?

Then I think....am I hopeless would every guy do this to me? Would every guy feel this way? And I don't want to blame myself for things...that are just who I am because it just makes me feel horrible and helpless and unwanted and unlovable and...no, no one should be able to make me think that way.

Because I don't think I'm boring and I do think I'm a good person and a good friend and I have so much to give. Haha, I like me. :) So, someone else has to, too, right?

It's just unfair. I feel wronged when he's like this and I shouldn't have to take it and everytime I don't know what else to do other than to wait it out. If I approach him then he denies he's doing anything at all. If *I* ignore him....who knows if he can even tell because he's ignoring me. If I call and pretend like nothings wrong I feel like a silly girl who is so completely backwards she doesn't realize that somethings not "right." Or by failing to recognize that something's up I'm being insensitive to HIS concerns.

I don't want to ignore him. I don't want to hurt him or punish him and the fact is that whether consciously or not that IS what he is doing to me...that hurts that much more. And I'm pretty sure he IS aware of what he's doing because he's admitted to it in the past.

I don't see what the point is...yes, you got me, I feel "punished" but nothing ever changes. Does it make him feel good? God, I hope not. How could it? I don't know what he's thinking or feeling because he never talks about it. Even if we do get a conversation out of this I never feel like I leave really knowing what is going on or what if anything got solved.

I just...can't do this. I want to get married? If he would do this when we were married (and I don't see why he wouldn't--marriage isn't a magical wand)...that's unacceptable--it's unacceptable now. This is not how a relationship works.

I mean, if you have an issue, come to me with it. And if you're that thrown off by it, let's not waste our time or our life and move on. To imagine not being with him...

My life would change so much...it's absolutely terrifying. To not have him in my life is so far reaching in my head I don't even understand myself or who I am. He is a part of me and I know I'm a part of him and I've never gone through that.

I've been heart broken, but only by my crushed fantasies.

I've never been crushed by someone I truly loved and considered a critical person in my life. Guess I've been lucky. I don't want this to fall apart. I don't think our relationship has to.

I think there is so much good and there is something amazing and wonderful in what we have. I recognize that no aspects of life are always in perfect balance and I know I complain a lot here about it, but I would say our relationship is good and that the many days between entries...is because life is good and right and I don't have time to waste my time writing about it because I want to be there living it.

(Not that this is a waste, I think life documentation is very important--good and bad ;)

But anyway, we have the same reoccuring problems, they're right there waiting to be tackled. I don't think they will ever go away. We will be dealing with the same issues if we get married or not. And, if we're willing to manage them together to know how to get through tough situations where it just feels like too much, we'll be okay.

I don't believe "communication" and talking to each other solves everything. But I think you need to be aware of the issues and what's going to effectively help you work through them. These problems they never really get discussed but only rehashed. There has to be other options or at least some form of acceptance that this is just how it is and....if it'll make you unhappy...unhappy to the point where you just can't handle it...

Then you shouldn't be there. You can't be there. It's not good for anyone.

The scary thing about telling him that is....what if he gives up and says he won't be able to handle it? I think we can work through anything and I don't see why we can't but he's going to have to be willing to try on his part too.

I don't want to be overly dramatic and threaten "Break Up!" in my head everytime we have a problem. But as we do inch closer to a permanent commitment...it does concern me. Life's too short to hang around in a relationship that isn't going to work. After (almost) four years this (obviously) isn't just "for fun." I'm serious about us and our future and I think he is too but....

Grow up! Please, please, please, grow up and work with me on this, Jeff.






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