4 May 2000

Rediculous.

I think I just sat here for two hours and read diaries. And a grand majority of these were diaries I frequent a lot. That's just too much Aglaia lovin' I say. But, please go read: Dlove because he's wonderful. :)

Thankfully, I was allowed this grand sweep of time wasting leisure. I'm reasonably caught up on stuff. Nothing left for me to do, but just be, and allow time to do it's thing. I think I'm back on the upsweep of doing good at school. God's grace, i tell ya ;)

Speaking of God, there has been a recent campaign of Jesus awareness here at the lovely campus of the Buckeyes. One trip to Real Life and a little best friend christian crusader insights, and I felt like one smart cookie, wandering the paths of campus understanding the secret message behind the simple chalkings and flyers begging, "Do you agree with Jared?" I walked beside a group of girls, and one of them exclaimed, "who the hell is jared?" That made laugh right out loud. Ah, yes. Jared. He believes in Jesus as his savior. Do you?

No.

Haha.

But still curious to watch it all unfold over campus. What will it bring--a christian revial? A spiritual revolution? Intelligent conversations about the jared compaign? I'm not sure. I felt like I had all the insides though. Although I'm not one, for some bizarre reason I am subsribed to the Students for Freethought campus email list. So daily I get to read about political things and what all these nice freethinkers feel about it. Usually pretty interesting, actually.

So here I've got my bestfriend, proudly declaring her neon yellow "I agree with Jared" t-shirt (the way to snag those unsuspecting peeps into asking, who is jared, what does he believe?--good tactic, huh?)--and then on the other side I've got all these freethinkers all upset over and planning their own counter-attack. But I belong to neither.

But today it all came together in an anti-climatical jared speaks open forum in the oval. (After posting a half page ad in our school paper, describing what jared believes--the usual God loves you fare).

I decided today that saying, "God loves you" to someone who isn't into religion, or Christianity is an instant turn-off. I remember before I was into Christianity it was one of things that almost immediatly made me turn my head. Anything/anyone that told me that Jesus loved me, just made me think, "yeah right." And how else are you supposed to react? Sure, some person, some idea, some figure, some diety--loves me, but I have no idea who the heck he is? If you're trying to tell me a truth, why are selling me this lie (even though, ultimately, i think it is a truth :). Basically, i was trying to think of a way that they could get across their message without turning people off.

I don't know if this would work, but for me, I like it a lot better. (But it's just the same, I guess. La la la..) But how about, God knows you.. Would that make you question, how he knows you, why he knows you? I don't know. ha, probably not, i guess, huh? But I like it better, either way.

Not that it matters. I don't need to sell God. I think/hope that people can see my positivity and success in my life. In a loop, in the process of One, there is *only* truth. It all comes from God. It all is god. And how can god be personal? (cuz she's you!)

So i'm instant messaging Chris and I'm telling him about the campus strike and such and i mention the "jared rally" and such. I wasn't sure if I was ready or interested to bring up the God thing, but I figured if i brought it up, there must be some sort of underlying reason for it. And I wanted to know. And all of a sudden at the moment, i did feel right. But I didn't even have to ask.

As I'm telling him the story, he tells me that *he* agrees with Jared. But, (he says) he's not an active Christian. This conversation goes on for a bit, him saying one thing, and me questioning how can believe in something (as serious as life/death) but not follow through with his actions. He says he has the faith and the love for God and believe in Jesus and the bible, but not that the sins are as equally weighed and such (although I mention how the bible says they are, and if he believes in the bible then....)

So I'm over on my side of the computer, kind of throwing my arms up, in mock "oh no! Not another "false" Christian!" And I'm laughing, cuz i know that no matter how loose and "non active" he is, I can't stand the injustice of it all. So then i tell him my quickie Christian life-history, and sum it up that to me it's the spirituality that is key for me, not the religion. And then he just hollers that, that is him too and he just couldn't spit it out.

And you know what? I know that all his above comments were hypocritical (and he admitted to it, and that's why he doesn't say he *is* a Chrisitan--so as to give "real" Christians a bad name, even though he's trying....) but, I think all along, he's known.

Some people are close to awakening fully, it's a beautiful thing. My sister. My mother. Still wrapped in the web of American society and a Jesus upbringing, but inside their hearts, their minds something is tugging. What is it? What's wrong? What's wrong with the message that is being sent, why do i think it's wrong, when i want to believe it's right? Is it just sin? Is that what's keeping them from leading the "good" life? Or is it something more? Something that prevents them from just sucking it up and practicing self-control, because something deep inside of them knows....they shouldn't have to.

That's my baby. He sounds like a good CWG candidate. :)

But right then as we're talking, and we're both sharing, and hollering our "yes! That's the way ,I feel too!" I feel so much for him, that I almost say the *L* word, but instead I just yelp namaste and burst into tears.

I am on my period though. So forgive me. :)

And then he tells me that he's falling in love with me, and he doesn't know if it's happening to soon, but then says that he doesn't think it can happen to soon....it just happens.

I think so too.