25 June 2001

Woah, June is almost over.

So the family left for Florida yesterday morning. Just me in the house for a week. I'm sure I'll be fine, but the house lacks energy. It makes me sluggish. The only time I really watch tv, is in passing to talk to my parents (while they're watching) or when I'm with Jeff.

Tonight I watched tv from 7-11:30pm

So yeah, it's like all of my energy has been sucked out. And since there's no comfort from other human voices, the tv seems to be about it. I keep thinking, What would I be doing if the fam was here?. I don't know. I'd probably be just as bored.

There's this guy at work, and he is absolutely "fucking hot". I don't know how many times I would be like omg he's fucking hot, but he is. I didn't notice it right away. I mean, the whole jeff goggles, really prevents me from doing my usual scope when I walk into a room and meet people (which is a good thing, even though super six says it's kind of scary that I don't look at boys anymore ;) But anyway, I was driving home the other day after working with him on the patio all night long, he really is pretty goodlooking.

Physically, definitly my type. Very boyish, kind of short, spiky (but stylish) blond hair, tan, slender, adorable smile. He'd be the kind of guy who should be an asshole, but a big flirt, so you'd have a crush on him anyway ;) Surprisingly, he's actually on the quiet side (not shy, reserved, but not real outgoing/flirty either), well mannered and nice (so far).

It's interesting to feel disconnected. I can recognize he's very goodlooking, and if I were a single girl, I would be pulling out all my flirts, and be on my way to asking him out by now (assuming he doesn't have a girlfriend), but I'm not actually...attracted to him?

I always wondered, if you were married, if you still thought about other guys. Because in previous relationships I still thought and fantasized about other guys. I still tried to grab the attention of other boys and would pretend I wasn't "taken". I know I've talked about it before, but it still surprises me to recognize the change in me. I'm happily content with Jeff....to the point, I can't even imagine being with another guy, and definitly can't...fantasize, in the sense of anything sexual with another guy. Which is kind of not fun, because if you're going to "explore" other options it *should* be restricted to your fantasies. Not that I plan on exploring anything...which is I guess what I'm talking about...

I don't want to explore anything.

But I'm scared Jeff and I are getting boring. I don't want to be a routine. I don't want to be married at twenty. I don't want to be married and still in college. Shouldn't I be exploring? [I mean married in the sense, we never go out anymore, and have usual, routine sex. Not married literal....although, I don't particularly want to be married literally either! ;) ]

Back to my favorite philosophy discussion....do I feel this way because society tells me I should be a wild college kid...at the same time [girl]tells me I should try to be finding "love" at every step of life. If I wasn't in a relationship, I'd be trying to be in one.

I don't have any friends. My mom is right, I need some gilfriends. Super six is okay, but I'm not developing the bonds that are necessary to hold people together....or to bring them together if in need.

I think, I....need a fresh start somewhere? Like I do love supersix, and I even love holly and kat from oldschool, but I'm still...looking for someone who isn't satisfying some higher urge/need in me. I'm thirsting for someone else. I need someone, really outrageous. I just wish I could find someone, who I instantly clicked with, who was struggling with the same petty things that I wonder about, who has this awesome lust for life, and basically adored me. Haven't you even just adored one of your best friends, and knew they thought you were the coolest thing on the block as well? That's that great friendship bond that puts a grin on your face and keeps you up all night long laughing and just plain being girls.

And I love Jeff and he's the one I adore now, and want to run to with everything, and maybe that's just truly how I function, with this one-on-one thing. I only have the capacity to give myself away to one person at a time. To put myself out on a limb with all my vulnerability, sharing bits and pieces of my inner soul, until the other has thoroughly found me.

Smiling.

I think Jeff has found me.

But when I don't want to make plans (because I *always* hang out with jeff every night, and figure I will, even if we haven't specifically said we will)

)..so if someone calls, I tell them I'm busy...that does bother me. I should go out with other people, and be able to have a good time when I'm not in his presence. And part of it, is that I'm with Jeff so much, that I don't know my girls that well...and I don't feel like working through the "hi/hellos" to get back in good/close standing with some of my friends. It takes a lot of effort to sustain a relationship (of any kind), and sometimes, when I just want to go out and have fun, it's not that fun to know you have to through all that mush to get that point.

I'm not *that* far removed from everyone, but mentally sometimes I think I make it a bigger deal than it really was. (Like if I would just go out with them, I'd run on auto like we never stopped talking) but knowing that it might *not* go that smoothly....I don't want to even bother with it.

Especially, when I know I have a guaranteed nice time with Jeff.

On the otherhand, I don't want to become suffocating and needy. (I don't think I am.) And often, it's Jeff asking me what I'm doing for the night, and we end up hanging out by default, cuz it's midnight and nothing is going on. I have no problem staying home, and not seeing Jeff. And it doesn't bother me if he goes out with his friends--I almost hope he does when he's not with me, so the repetition of our night's can be broken up.

Like, we tried drinking the other night,but after two beers I just couldn't do it anymore. It's like, I'm sorry, I can't do it. I need to be active when I drink if he expects something from me. Sitting on my couch, drinking....not enough to distract me away from how gross beer is.

I need to be making more money. I hope I earn a lot this week. So far, working has been fun. Unfortunatly, I think the boss is kind of mean to Jeff when he's back behind the line with him. So Jeff is probably going to quit. :(