4 September 2000 (Mon.)

So it's still Sunday in my mind. So don't get confused.

Where should I start? I'm not sure if I have a beginning or just bundled thoughts in my head, tossed, as if hay, with no particular order or brand in mind.

Obviously there's work. I'm guessing 30 hours of overtime for this week. But I actually *think* that I have more. Can you imagine? Well, I'm tired. I'm tired physically and mentally. I kind of wish I could take this week off. I have, after all, practically worked two weeks worth--in one. But I need the money, and there's no way they'd just let me drop them. I did after all pick them up on my own free will. I even got to keep them all which is a pretty amazing feat.

Jeff and I have almost been together for four months. That seems so long to say it aloud. But I guess that was basically my whole summer. Which I've enjoyed a lot spending it with him. It'll be interesting to see how things change/develop/grow/cease....during the school year.

So there's this boy. (Are you surprised, I can never just talk about one person at the same time.) His name is Joe. He works with me at the restaurant. (Where else would I be meeting people?) I think he's very attractive, although it could be the hair. (I think I have a thing for hair ;) Last time we worked we were getting flirty.

Today we were very much so. I don't think we could (or did) walk by each other without touching each other. (A waist grab there, some back rubbing here...) Flirting is all fun and games, most of the time. It's dangerous when one person actually likes the other, and one of the party members doesn't like the other.

It could also be dangerous if you already have a boyfriend.

But, [And] you actually like each other.

Which I think I kind of do.

But really, in almost a purely sexual way. I don't really know anything about him. I know we have a great sexual energy to us. We've got those looks and signals we send that just want to make you sigh, but who knows what else is behind his curtain. I know he's going into the army in two weeks.

He wants to be a pilot.

Although, don't pilots have to have 20/20 vision?

He wears glasses.

As the night winds down tonight he asks me what I'm doing after work. Casually. We ask everyone this Q when we enviously watch them go--is that a word--enviously? Ha. Anyway, I tell him I'm not sure, but am definitly going out. Actually was planning on fucking my boyfriend. It's been awhile.

He says he's going to a neighborhood bar where his friend bartends, so he could get free drinks. Would I want to meet up? [Possibly.] At the end of the night I give him my number. I'm almost positive by the time he gets out, I will be with Jeff. But, I think, if Joe gets me first, be wary dear Jeff.

I know if I go out with Joe I will kiss him. I just know it. It's how I am. I want to kiss just about everyone, out of some weird fascination of having kissed people I come into constant contact with. Top it off that I find him to be an incredible turn-on. It'd be too much.

Especially if I was drinking.

You already know how I feel about relationships. It doesn't mean I like Jeff any less. Or want to break up with him. I don't find fidelity normal or healthy. Being with other people would simply liven things up. Open yourself up to new possibilities. And allow yourself to enjoy the company of others. (Not that I thought that things needed any special spark, though. )

Although, I admit tonight having sex with Jeff...I did find myself a little bored. We do the same things, say the same things. I moan at the same thing. Same, same, same, same... I know we should shake it up. But what, we're just too lazy? I dunno.

I was thinking how it would be kind of scary if there really isn't "the one" like I don't think there is. Because, even though we may not believe it, it's the fairy tale I have always known. I am supposed to be on my quest to find "the one" of whom, I will fall madly in love with, will know I am in love with, and will marry and have children with. [Happily ever after.]

But I mean, first of all, I don't believe in there being just "one." I also, am not sure if I believe in that kind of love either. The former I may not believe, but the latter...I hope it's true. I hope it really can hit you out of nowhere (be it from the start when you meet, or with time as your relationship develops.)

We watched Good Will Hunting. Robin Williams character said your soul mate was someone who challenged you. I hope...he does. My soul mate. My love.

I've seen the movie a couple of times before but it's truth continues to poke itself out of it. That raw vulnerability. That really is like the relevation of love. Pure honesty and openness. And that ability to push each other, to challenge. It's more than just a chemical compliment to each others' hormones and common interests (although those are major factors, I think.)

And who has ever challenged me (Bryan ;). I don't mean to bring him up, like he was a lost love. I think, Bryan should just be the point I go from. There are other people out there who have the insight and intelligence that he does. Bryan wasn't right. He wasn't the "true love" or "the one" (which I'm still thinking there isn't *one* ;). Bryan was good in my life, and he showed me a lot of things. If anything he showed me a different aspect of what relationships could be. In the final end, we could challenge each other's philosophies and worldly thoughts, but we weren't willing to listen, we really weren't.

It could be my taurus' bullheaded or who knows what. There's also the hormones and common interest factors I mentioned earlier. We were too.....off. I mean it sort of began with his attraction to me, and my later development (and obsession) of attraction for him. I felt like sex and favors, or compliments were the way to get "points". And I don't even know what "points" I was trying to get. I think Bryan was too much--

--of a friend? It was the intensity that brought in anything sexual for us. I didn't really need it. And really, he used me. And towards the end, I used him.

But I could have fell in love with him twice over for how incredibly smart he was. He could have been my best friend. My confident. And that would have been wonderful. I wish that's how it would have all gone down.

So I move on.

We could still blame my cheating tendencies and thoughts on an immature and underdeveloped dating lifestyle and growth. Maybe it's warped CWG. But I'm young--I don't mean it as an excuse, but seriously, I am young, and I know I'm going to want to be with a lot of people once school starts. So I don't know what will happen.