2000-06-02

Aglaia is one big dork.

I don't think there's much more to say. ;)

I got so drunk last night, it's not even funny. Five beers, but almost all were drank under, "hey aglaia...match me!". And once that game got started up, I wanted to play too, "hey jen, now you match me!". I'm a good little beer bong girl. Okay, so we weren't bonging, but it's all the same technique. Opening up your throat and such.

Was at Sigma Chi for afterhours. Me Heidi and Meredith. We're a little gang. I am so paranoid around Mer though, what if she thinks I'm some freak? I really don't know what's wrong with me. I turn into this hyped out person when i'm around my sisters...it's not the beer, I just, i start being crazy.

I don't know, for awhile there, it was like I was turning really outgoing, "free spirited" and fun to be around. At least, I felt like I was being all those things. ;) Now, I'm just like--ahh? What am I doing? I feel soooo...dumb, I really am a dork. I think Jeff is a dork. He's an adorable little dork. That's why we have so much fun together, because we're two dorks, and we just don't know any better. Hahah, okay, I don't really think that.

But last night, I wouldn't say I was out of control or anything, but....yeah, I just had so much to drink. A couple of sneaked kisses with Jeff when our disco ball went out, and the lights shut off. Other than that, I was very respectable.

I just want to be normal, is that so much to ask? Haha, okay, no I don't. But sometimes, woo, I don't understand myself. This isn't going anywhere. I would like to tell you something interesting. I would like to discover something interesting in myself to think about. I mean last night...there's this boy Josh, and he just doesn't like me. And I don't know why. I'm all self-conscious about it. Okay, I don't really know if he doesn't like me. Actually I'm assuming he just thinks....absolutely nothing about me, but I can't get anything out of him. I try. I tried just talking. I tried flirting. I tried just saying hello and smiling and not even talking to him last night, and I get bad bad bad, negative energy from him.

He talks to Heidi. It's not like I'm hitting on him. I was just trying to be friendly. But I felt like....owww! Like if you introduced yourself to someone and you held out your hand with a big smile, and they look at you, they look at your hand, and then they turn away. I didn't do that, but I might as well have. First, you feel stupid. Second you feel bad, hurt. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but I mean everyone wants to be on some level of acceptance. He could at least smile and just say hello or something. I feel like the biggest fool. And then I just stand there, still talking, trying to get some reaction, and nothing. It's like the more I stand there, the worse I feel, and I can't make myself stop. Until finally when I do, I just want to go hide in a closet and die or something.

It's not a huge issue. I just feel, that...i mean he's a sigma chi, so he has to know jeff, and then Heidi trying to get a hook up....and when I'm with Jeff at Sigma Chi stuff, I'm always with Heidi too...and Heidi is usually with Josh....um, doesn't it make sense that everyone should just be friends and stuff? He's just...I don't know, shy, or something probably. I would just feel a lot better, if when we passed in the house or something and I said, "hey!" he could respond with an equally cheerful, "what's up?" or something. I mean keep walking, it's all good, but don't look at me with this expression like "why the hell are you talking to me?" like you've never seen me before.

It makes me feel like shit.

I don't like feeling that way. :)

There were more fuzzies later on, I really liked it. I was hanging out with girls that I don't usually do, down in the basement, and it was a lot of fun.

I'm in love with the son of Sidi Daud. Why won't he look at me? She's in love with the son of Sidi Daud. Who wants to guess why he won't look at her? Because his father was with him! Because your breast popped out of your blouse!...." Haha, loving that middle eastern poetry.

I'm tired. I'm gonna let you go.

Oh, I thought it was funny, that I realized, as I'm talking to James the other day..... That I haven't masturbated all week long. Isn't that weird? Haha, okay. That was my fun fact for the day. Take that for whatever deeper meaning it must have. I haven't a clue.

SEE ya. Peace.