17 December 2001

My head hurts. So much so, that it's making me queasy. I've had it all day, and it doesn't matter what I do (or what meds I consume) it just keeps pounding away. It's an all-over pounding with occasional pulsating twinges of sharp pain...sometimes one side, sometimes on both, sometimes in my ears, sometimes behind my eyes, sometimes accompanied by heart palpatations, and sometimes forgotten, say when I'm going down on my boyfriend, and sometimes heightened, say lying silently in a pitch black room when the power goes out.

It hurts. Go away, please.

Okay, so what's going on. Well, my boy just had PMS. Yes, guys get it, yes it'd all official and medically seen. Instead of matching my cycle with a best girlfriend (isn't that so weird how that happens, girls?) I have simply shared my cycle with my boyfriend. So now our water levels, hormone levels, and emotional levels are perfectly in sync, making it a terrible terrible thing, when we both PMS, and all of our insecurities are heightened, and yadda yadda.

On a completely different note, something pretty scary has happened to Jeff's brother. Kind of out of no where, he started getting "bubbly" vision, and his mom took him to the hospital. Seemed there was some sort of serious condition he had (caused by his premature birth--I guess originally the doctors didn't even think he would live, and if he did, they thought he would go blind...so this process just took, er, about 18 years to occur, I guess.) Anyway, the doc's told Jeff's brother that he had to have surgery the next day or could go blind, and would have to have his other eye done later on, so he wouldn't lose that eye either.

What's even scarier, is that not only did the doc's originally think his eyes would go soon after he was born, they also thought his heart would fail too. So it makes you wonder, if after 18 years his eyes are going...if he could have a heart attack, just as suddenly as well. Pretty scary.

Well, the surgery was done, and it has appeared to be successful. The poor kid has to keep his head down for a week--even had to have a special attachment put on his bed, so he could sleep on his stomach, head looking down (through a hole).

So far so good, I prayed a lot about it. Jeff's bro hasn't had the right attitude about a lot of things in his life--not to get all "god works in mysterious ways" but I hope that everything works out, and he can learn from this experience, and start living life with a new outlook. Either way, it's still a shock to find out you could go blind, or your heart might go at any minute. That's a lot to hear on one random afternoon at only 18. Although, i'm sure it'd be hard to hear at any age.

Next...had my work christmas party. It was very nice--lots of really good food, free-flowing wine, rum cider and beer to go around. There's this new girl at work and she's really cool, I'm glad she's signed on. It's too bad she goes to a different school and will leave after christmas break.

Anyway, so we're all chillin' and she asks Jeff how many kids he wants. And I'm looking at him, and just kind of joke and say that Jeff doesn't want any kids, because that's what he's said before. And that all got discussed, and I guess....

It scared me.

This boy is so good, and gentle and he'd be a good role model. I suppose I haven't seen him first-hand with kids, but I know he'd be good with them. I just watch him with his dog and you can see that he'd treat kids well. I know that's kind of dumb comparison, but he just...loves. And I know he would carry that love to children.

He says he likes kids....(good sign), but just doesn't want to have any. I'm hoping that he's just doing that "i'm young and carefree" thing--as in, he just wants to be able to go out and see the world and not have barriers to hold him back.

Haha, and am I a possible barrier, you may be asking?

Nah, he wants to go experience those things with me. Lol.

I hope. ;)

Well, when the girl at work asked him if he wanted to be married, he quickly answered that he definitly wanted to be married. (and that's a good sign too. ;)

But, truthfully, if he is completely and sincerely "fo sho" (um, it's an inside joke) that he does not and will not have kids...

I'd have to break up with him. And I know that's a super big choice, but I guess my (HS) best friend kind of reminded me that our choices now do affect our future, especially concerning guys. She was dating a Catholic and finally seeing that they were getting serious, and they were both "true" to their own beliefs...she realized she didn't want to be a Catholic, or raise her kids that way, and etc. So she broke up with him.

And i guess my first instict is "wow, how psycho!". I mean they had only been dating for a few months, and they both seemed to really like each other...but she knows what she wants, I guess...and really, it's better that she made that decision now, than to wait until they were truly serious, and realize she was with a guy she couldn't she herself with.

I'm not saying people shouldn't just date...because there's so much fun in just going out and meeting different people, and trying to experience all the diffrent personalities and flavors that people come in. It's good to experiment and learn what you do and don't like, and you can't go into every potential relationship with the idea of "am i going to marry him" because you're never get anywhere and probably never learn what you need to learn.

I didn't think I was going to marry Jeff when I first met him...hell, didn't think we were "forever" even after quite a bit of dating him. I was having a good time with someone I liked and enjoyed being with. That developed into this amazing friendship, and now I'm really crazy and in love with him. I really cherish all the things we can talk about, and we can just sit and get real with each other, and i'm still absolutely excited when I see him, when I see his number on caller-id, and i start "missing him" when he's leaving me.

And know I'm not psycho, waiting by the phone for him to call, or constantly have my mind on him and wondering what he's doing at every moment...but I do think about him a lot, and even though we just sit around and do nothing every night I still look forward to doing it all over again the next day.

I'm in love with him. The thought of losing him, is something pretty terrible. He told me I'm his soulmate...and I don't think it's a line, I think he believes it, and I think that for whatever a "soulmate" may be, he could be mine too.

BUT, I want children. I know I definitly do, and I could never marry someone who was absolutely positive kids weren't for them. The thing...is I don't really want to start bringing up things like marriage and kids and religion until I think we are truly headed in that way. I mean...sure, in my heart I know Jeff is who I want to be with, and I think I am for Jeff (right now ;) and maybe he's thought about (forever) too, but, truthfully, I don't think how crazy a guy is about a girl, no college guy wants to think about losing his freedom forever.

And no college guy is probably thinking about marriage either. Even if he is in love. I guess, I'd rather wait until we have been together for two years...that's six more months, and I'll try not to really explore it until then. I don't want to "jump the gun" no matter how tempting it is.

I don't want to be some crazy girl in love doing all those cliched things.

On the other hand, if Jeff is my (forever) then I need to start thinking long and hard.

Because a piece of me starts dying, even thinking about having to lose him. Especially now, with us both so close. I don't think...Jeff and I could ever be "just friends"...I've given so much of myself to him, and I think he has too, and it'd be really painful to try to be anything else, then what we are now. And knowing I'm losing my boyfriend, my love...that hurts, but losing my bestfriend too...

I think i'd have a hard time adjusting, and I'm not sure really how I could do it, or forgive myself.

I don't know.

But like I said, I don't want to project us too far. It feels like I'm trying to jinx us or something. On the otherhand, I think we have it. And if someone asked me if I think I will marry him.

I'd say yes.