27 February 2000

I can't get going.

It's pounding hard on me like rain without a jacket. That gnawing feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something. That supressed panic pressing itself in my stomach. I have a lot to do.

And I'm not doing any of it. I don't know where I think my time will come from. Or maybe I'm not even concerned with ever finding time to do it. Maybe I think it would all just go away. That'd be nice.

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So last night. All was well, and I went out with K, C, H & C. All my fellow Spring Break girls. They all seem really nice, and I think we're have a good time for when we go. So we get to the party (after a long long trek...) I don't know why it is, but if you're walking to class you can get anyway just under 10 minutes. Now if you're walking to a party and it's across campus (just like a class that far away would be..), you feel like you're walking for like 20 minutes or so. Or hmm, maybe you are. I'm the power walker, but if I'm with friends, we're probably strolling or strutting. ;)

At the party we don't really know anyone, I still think everyone looks so much older than me. I wonder if once I'm a sophomore I'll acquire that "old" look to me. Me and the girls stick mostly together, I'm still not sure who they know at this party. The place is really nice though. I'm so glad it was a nice night too. Got to sit outside which was nice. We get our beers, and casually mingle, but not really. For the most part I try to hold my beer, and look cool. We all do.

But that's the cliche of college. Eventually it bores me. Definitly the influence of R who loves to people hop and get to know everyone. It totally grows on me and I hate how our little circle got so clique-y even though we were doing it out of more we didn't know anyone, than didn't want to mingle with other people. But not I.

So when we go to "fill up" again, I introduce myself to some peeps. I can only remember one of the guy's names...Brendan. Probably just cuz I like that name. ;) But he was a cutie, which helped as well. Got my beer, and mingled some more. We came over with a bunch of guys, and so we're standing in the living area, and I'm by one of the guys and feel obligated to say hello, and get some names. Since they are in away part of our "group." His name is M.

He's incredibly tall. 6'4 or 6'5 maybe? And I think I'm tall! But he's cute. He's wearing this fun visor (remeniscent of the good ol raver kids ;). So we are just talking, and I didn't mean for it to go anywhere, but I guess it sort of did. But i mean, isn't that the whole point, to try to move on from hi/hellos and get into a real conversation. College at least has a few conversation starters. You can go down the list of where froms, to majors and interests. Plenty to talk about there, just gotta hope you hit on a mutal interest and then you're set. We seemed to hit it off pretty good.

His friends decide to leave...and he says he's going with them. But not two minutes later K whispers in my ear that my boy is back, because he must ..like me. Of course, who wouldn't ;) haha, j/k.

So I go out back casually searching for him, and getting something more to drink. (Here goes number three ;) and we run into each other. Says he would rather stay and talk to me. Smiles.

We go back in, and my beer is instantly knocked out of my hands. Yeah, I don't think I've ever made it through a party without dropping it or getting it knocked down. That's usually when I decide to stop. Figure it's a sign or something ;)

We go outside and talk some more. By this point, we're getting mildly "friendly." The whole tapping each others arms to make an emphasis, or sweeping over each others knees as we're talking, and leaning in to hear each other, when we're sitting down. He leaves to go to the bathroom, and an earlier "hello" guy Pat (whom I thought for most of the night was named Matt ;) was joking about how i said I was going to come back earlier (to where we had both been sitting and talking) but I never did. Then he asked about M and I told him he was just a friend I came with. Well, sort a.

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M comes back and we move over to the couch, and my other guy Pat is sitting beside me, I'm such a pimp with these two guys totally back and forth sweet talking me. ;) I was surprised they allowed it, but I don't know. Maybe they're all interested in that threesome thing :) Hehe, but anyway. So I'm kind of holding this conversations with both of them, which is fun.

When Alpha Xi was having all those TG's, I think I started to build up a beer tolerance. (Two beers was good for a pleasant buzz and it was all i needed). But then it got to a point where i could have 3 or 4 and not really be there yet. But it's been like three weeks since I've had anything to drink, so I was back to my good self last night.

My girls leave, and I stay with my two guys chillin. Then M tells me he better walk me home, cuz he has to study all day tomorrow (er, or today.) He's so smart, an honors pre-dental kid. Good stuff.

We walk home, holding hands, it was kind of cute. I already knew that I would probably kiss him. He walks me up to my dorm, we say our goodbyes, and thank you's for the escort service....hugs and laughs about his height, and then we kiss. Er, kissing, more like it. ;) He'a a reasonable kisser. I've had better. :) After it, he's like....so what's your number, and I tell him.

I don't know if he will call.

I don't know if I want him to.

I had a good time, and I think we got along great with each other. Just.....well, i'm a lip slut, that's really all there is to it. I dream about going around and just kissing people randomly, I have a problem. ;) I wish kissing was a more popular form of hello here in the states. But anyway, I had a good time, he walked me home, we kissed, all is nice. I wouldn't mind hanging out with him again, if I hung out with the girls and guys again.

I know I'm terrible, because I still like Ryan, even though I'm kissing this other guy. Just read up on last year, or especially the last month, and you'll get an earful about all this! So anyway. That was last night. Just tallying up my Kissing numbers for the year. ;)

Okay, better go do some homework. bye!

"I'm breaking through, i'im bending spoons, I'm keeping flowers in full bloom, i'm looking for answers from the great beyond."--REM