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d-land love, cheer frustrations, open sex relationships, god, jealousy

19 April 2000, Wed.

I'm such a dork, but i just love d-land. I swear, I'm living so many lives vicariously right now, I am seriously loving it. (In the background playing is Nordbeat-Secret Love!('99 edit)mp3.com) Hyper song! I like.

So we had dance practice tonight over at the sorority. It was like being thrown back in a time flash to a lowly 8th grader at high school cheerleading tryout camp, the frustration rising, my heart beating, the tears ready to explode out of my eyes.

1.) The worst feeling in the world: frustration.

It's terrible. But thankfully, went, got a sip of water, smiled almost reverted to "I never did mind the little things" but didn't, and decided that *I am* awesome, *I am* capable, now go back in there and just try to be pleasant while you feel like a fool because you can't get it.

But I will, just gotta, I don't know, try doing some hops and runs and kicks in my hallway or something. I'll wait for some odd time in the morning like 3:55 and I'll do it then. Sure.

Today I hit on a married man. Okay, he's not married, and I wasn't really hitting on him. ;) But I think he is engaged, and I did make it really obvious to the class that I wanted *him* to be my partner in acting. Can't help it, I wanted a guy who get work done, and get it done right. If that means yelling in slow motion, in desparate patheticness "Joooossseeee.....beeee myyyy partnerrrr????" across the room. Sure, a girl does what she has to do.

I didn't leave him much of chance by that did I? What's he supposed to say, with an audience of class looking on...."um, no?" Don't worry honey, i'm most VIP actress high school honors, I'll do you right. Ahem, no I won't do you.

I'm taken.

But I wonder.

So it's interesting how lately my life parallels everything, or maybe it always have. They don't call me Ally McBeal sometimes for nothing. (Ever notice how all the court cases instantly react back to what's going on in the personal lives of the cast, yeah sure of course you do, i'm nothing special to have noticed it ;) But anyway, that's my life. Everything relates to everything.

So, parallels. I have sex for the first time, and now in history we're talking about the sexual revolution. On friday there's going to be this huge debate concerning free love vs. saving sex for marriage. I'd say it was a lost cause, but I'm actually part of a circle of people who sincerely are planning on waiting until marriage. Truth be it known, I never held such high ideals. But I think it's a nobel one, if made with the right reasons.

Don't lose it, just to lose it, and don't save it just to be something special. Hell, sex is so overrated. (I'm really beginning to understand all those articles concerning the higher intimacy involved with oral sex, I think it's true...) Okay, I've only had it once, and I swear give me a few days and I'll stop talking about it in every one of my entries! Lol.

Now my History T.A. is such a sweety that he does most of the grunt work concerning these debates, by searching the web for decent topics concerning our presentations and what not. Here's a link to one of the articles that I particularly liked. It's so CWG I was loving it. If you're not into that whole sexuality/spirituality thing, I guess you can skip it, but GOD is a huge part of my life.

So back to being taken. Well first off, who knows what me and Chris' relationship actually is. No official notice here, and even if so, I've always had interesting ideas concerning open relationships. I'm not sure if I'm ready for them, I'm definitly too young to start concerning myself with that, or even trying to deal with the emotional consequences that may come along with it, but *jealousy* has always been a key idea of interest to me.

Fighting and/or embracing it. The more I read CWG, and just kind of studied my own thoughts and feelings, the more of the simplicity really came to me. Especially with this. Oh my goodness, that book had the biggest influence on me, it had the most amazing ideas on humanity and on life, it was brilliant, really. But it took on the whole jealousy problem. Especially in relationships. Now, I've never been one to get jealous in relationships.

Infact, I've been known to see my boyfriend across the room, shamelessly involved in another girl's flirt fest and comment that, "hmm, they would be a good couple together...." hehe, but i mean, I understand why people *do* get jealous. But if you are really going on the concept of one, if you had something good.....wouldn't you want someone else to enjoy it too? If I've got this awesome guy, it doesn't make sense to keep it to myself, when sharing him would be the greatest way to really enjoy ourselves. If you're not following me, it's okay. ;)

But in that article above, it kind of touched on, how you get different things out of different relationships. Someone may offer you these amazing things, different ways to express and apply yourself, but in someone else's presence you can just channel into these other sides of yourself. Which is so true. It's not that a one-on-one relationship can't work. But completely excluding yourself from being with anyone else, it's going to start having negative effects on your relationship, because it's going to come a time that you can't equally give and take what you need and want.

I think an open relationship would take a grand amount of communication, a lot of trust, an incredibly open mind, and a lot of pre-discussion and thinking. I think....it actually has a good idea to it. But definitly something outside the norm of society thinking of appropriate behavior. The hardest part would be breaking yourself away from that conditioning. But interesting, anyway. :)


So yeah, why haven't I done any homework this week? Oh, I dunno.


Today's word is: lagniappe. Lan-yap;n. Sort of like buy 50$ worth of makeup and we'll give you this lovely totebagor yeah, you could call that free gift the lagniappe. Hmm, I'm not sure if I can work that one into conversation. But we can try, right?






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