I think my brain simply couldn't handle the worry I had over us. Were we gonna make it or not? After so much struggle, I simply realized (or simply decided) that we weren't. And I've felt so much better ever since I decided that. I know I like (need) control in my life, and feeling so out of control...everything was spinning away.

But why would you choose not to love?

I feel like I've looked at this both logically and emotionally. As much as I love(d) him I can honestly say now that I think we would be happier with other people. At first I wondered if I was just throwing everything away because it was just too much effort to really pull-through our relationship woes, but I don't think that's it. I think I've considered who we are and who we're trying to be and looking at our future...and it's not that it's too hard...I just really do feel that there is someone else out there for both of us that could be the person we do want and need.

I'm not talking about a perfect person or "the one" an idea I've never bought into. But I do think there are some core elements of who we are that are not fully being developed when we're with each other.

I cherish that I've had him in my life. I don't know what happened to us. I don't know how you fall out of love. I feel really confused about it all. I want...I want to love him. I want to, I really do. I'm going to lose him, and that makes me really sad.

Back to this letter I wrote him. It ended up being so true, and perfectly poetic. It was a scary 4 pages typed but uncovered some things that I hadn't put together. It was amazing to kind of unravel some feelings and the actual core and cause of some of our problems through my words. Things that I was making myself aware of as I began digging into some of the feelings and thoughts I had been having.

The first page was this very sweet, earnest love poem. I went back to old jokes, old words, special moments in our relationship. I told him about everything that I respected and loved about him.

By second page I had turned a corner, expressing honest doubts and concerns...observations. But it was still a love letter, weaving in everything that was special about us and him and how he made me feel. I talked about hope.

The rest of the letter was more specific. It pointed out both of our flaws, where things didn't go so well, and how it's taken us to the point we're at. I am very honest without apologies. Finally, I pose questions to him. About what he wants, what he thinks, and if he's happy. I tell him I miss him.

I do.

I read the letter again tonight, not having looked at since I finished. I wasn't sure what I would think. I didn't know if I would read it and edit, or simply delete or possibly expand, but I did none of that. I just read it while laughing, smiling, aching and crying.

It truly does say so much that I need to say. I didn't think I would give this to him, but now, I think I will. It feels a bit cold to give it to him typed, but I don't think I can write it out...I know I would begin to change my words as I did. Plus, my handwriting is a far cry from pretty. Typed he'll get.

But how do you give a letter like that? Do you give it to him at the beginning, when you first see each other? Do you leave it with him at the end of the night? Do you stop somewhere in between and ask him to read it while you wait?

If I give it to him then leave....I will feel sick until we can talk about it. I'm not sure if I can sit there and watch him read it. I've had time to accept the fact that our relationship is probably going to end. It was not easy, and I've been much more twisted than just my simple entries here. The pain, the fear, the hurt, the confusion.....it's pretty hard to go through all of that to finally arrive at some sense of peace. I can't say I'm at peace either. None of this truly feels real.

He gets back in town tomorrow night. We are supposed to make dinner together. We'll see.

On another note...I have something to say that is potentially more caustic than my relationship with Jeff.

Sometime early last week I was watching television...it was probably around 8pm. My stomach began to feel extremely uncomfortable. I thought at first it was just hunger since I had not ate dinner yet. But then it became increasingly bad, cramping, and then a full wave of nausea hit me. I moaned as I dragged myself to the bathroom and stared down at the toilet.

I did not feel good.

My stomach pained and I got down on my knees as my mouth watered in preparation. I stared again at the toilet wishing whatever foul thing that was twisting inside of me would simply come up and out, but nothing happened. I kept spitting out the excess liquid that was filling my mouth, feeling increasingly terrible, but I got nothing. I continued moaning and grabbed the pepto bismo.

I was scared because this all came out of nowhere. My meals that day had been pretty simple, with the last thing I had ate was some yogurt that late afternoon.

I felt dizzy and I called out "help." I felt like a kitten mewing, my voice was so soft. But I was scared and I wasn't sure what anyone could do, but I wanted someone to catch me if I fell. Somehow my brother heard me, he ran down, grabbing my dad who came and collected me as I fell down to the floor to continue hovering around the toilet. I think the pepto began to kick in and I felt a lot better.

My stomach wasn't cramping quite as bad, but I still felt queasy. I felt "off" the rest of the night and the next day too, with occasional waves of nausea.

But it went away and I was left thinking I had some weird stomach flu.

THEN, this Monday, I began spotting. There was brown muted blood on my undewear. This was strange as I had just had my period a week or so before. I'm in mid-cycle. I spotted on Tuesday too. I was not really concerned and figured it would just go away. Women's bodies are strange and sometimes they just flush out whatever needs to be flushed. I figured if it kept up I would seek attention but I wasn't terribly concerned.

Then, on Wednesday, I woke up about an hour before I normally do with a terrible wave of stomach cramping and nausea. Repeat above story minus the dizziness.

Oh lord I though. Am I pregnant?

My mind was racing with this hyper, semi-excited laughter (crazy laughter mind you, not the happy kind). It started to get worse and I took the Pepto again which I think helped. I crawled back in to bed without telling anyone. I was thinking maybe I wouldn't even go into work but I ended up going forward with getting ready and feeling semi-queasy.

I try not to think about it at work. I'm feeling a little panicked but anytime I let a thought creep into my head I "hush" myself to be quiet. I decide at lunch to buy a pregnancy test. I have never done this in my whole life and can't believe I am doing it. I am proud that I am even able to make this purchase without much of a pep talk (okay a little one in the car). There was a long line and I remember thinking that I wished i was wearing a wedding ring so I could look legit...not just some poor young girl with the lonesome pregnancy test in her hand.

I'm sure no one even noticed me. I'm pretty sure the cashier could have cared less if I was checking out with a bag of pretzels.

Okay, that wasn't so hard.

I even run some errands after work. I don't know what to think. I can't *really* be pregnant can I? What luck....the girl who has sex like once a month AND is on the pill gets pregnant right as she tries to break up with boyfriend?

I come home. Read the instructions. And read the instructions. Huh? Which way am I supposed to be pointing the stick as I pee onto it? Oh what the hell, here we go.

It immediatly starts changing colors. One line appears pretty quickly. I wait...still just one line.

Not pregnant.

Whew.

Okay, but that still doesn't explain the "morning sickness" or the spotting. I'm confused. I just had my period but...then again, when you're on the pill you have withdrawal blood (not a "real" period) --so, I could be pregnant and still have a period.

But if I am pregnant...shouldn't the test had said differently? OR, I can wait for my next period (assuming it shows) and take the second test then (mine came with two tests). But, that's for a whole 'nother two weeks.

Great.

Jeff and I had (bad) sex last Friday. BUT, I had the "sickness" before last week. Plus, I wouldn't be spotting so soon would I? And the last time we had sex before that?

Ummm.

I really have no idea. Yes, it really is that infrequent. I'm thinking we had that weird separation during Christmas week...but maybe around New Year's? Did we have sex then? Maybe that week? I have no idea.

But i've taken my pill regularly and on time. It is only 99.9% effective so that doesn't mean anything I suppose. The pregnancy test was reassuring, but there is obviously still something wrong with me. Perhaps the stomach and the spotting are or are not connected.

I mean, if there was something wrong down there...that would make sense that I would have stomach cramping and the spotting...but I have no idea what that would be. All my online searches seemed to point towards pregnancy, which didn't make feel so great.

But, apparently I'm either easily appeased or simply just too busy (I am really busy) that I didn't think about it really at all today. I would like to talk to my mom about this to see what she thinks but I'm not sure if I'm up for that one.