Yikes, has it really been that long since I last wrote? I think this might have been my biggest hiatus yet. Sorry about that.
It's a shame to lose a half-year of your life. So much was happening and it would have been fun to document it. My memory is so bad I won't remember any of it.
So, I'm married! --see, you'd think that would have been worth journaling about. Was I really that busy I couldn't sit down and write it all out?
The marriage took place in Greece and everything was really beautiful. We were married at these Villas built right into the cliff of Santorini. The view really is as pretty as all the pictures make it out to be. This is/was exactly what I wanted for my wedding ceremony.
Being a civil ceremony there wasn't a lot of talk about God but it would have been nice to have talked about our spiritual journey and what it means to be married. It would have been nice to have a private moment to consider the implications of what I was doing and what we were entering. At the time I was just so blissfully excited, with the energy around me buzzing I was having trouble focusing on anything but my next step (go here, do this, say that....). Jeff was completely sweet. He was actually really nervous and he even cried!
It was then I realized...did you ever really think about what it means to be married?
And, of course I had thought about marriage but it was such an abstract concept. Something you know about because it's a word, a concept you're familiar with but all of a sudden, saying our vows I couldn't help but think,
Why is Jeff so nervous?
...because I genuinely hadn't thought about it what it really mean to be married. Yes, I wanted to be with him, and I wanted to get married --that wasn't an issue.
Or, that was exactly the issue. I knew with such certainty that I wanted to marry him. That I was ready to marry him that I never really stopped to consider it again after I decided that.
After our relationship went into crisis a few years ago everything was so....it was so hard to get back to normal. To not have to worry about what you were doing or what your body language said or what you were saying. You could just be. Just exist and hangout and be yourself and that was it. I knew if I moved back in with him that was as good as me saying "I Do." I already went through all those internal discussions, figuring out what I wanted and who I was. And to find myself back with Jeff and really wanting to be with him, I felt 100% committed.
I had fallen into absolutes and I was ready to make it work no matter what.
With that in mind I never really considered the question of marriage. Perhaps that's why when people would ask if I was nervous I seemed confused by the question. No. Not nervous. I was ready.
Haha, people were even more bewildered when, two hours prior to my ceremony I'm out at the pool hanging out. In my bikini. But, I knew it would take me an hour to get ready and what's there to worry about?
Getting ready everyone kept saying how calm I was. I did feel calm.
I also felt agitated. Haha, I can't explain it. I felt a little overwhelmed....just flooded from all the people being in the same room and them all fluttering around me. I'm not use to being the center of attention and honesty I don't really like it. It starts to stress me out when I worry about too many people all at the same time.
I was so committed to no stress I was genuinely not thinking about anyone. I just kept saying I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, whenever someone would ask me a questions about something. And I really didn't care.
---do I want the stems on the flowers cut shorter?
---is it a problem if we put the chairs here?
---should we set this up now or later?
I don't care. I knew that if I stopped to actually think about the question I would start to over analyze it. I would begin to fret if I had chosen the right answer, considered all possibilities, etc. It would make me go crazy because I was being asked all these questions and so I just completely removed myself from it.
Everyone else could make the decisions and I told myself I would be fine no matter what because ultimately: I am getting married.
I am getting married. *buzz*
I am getting married. *buzz*
I'm thinking, this is so wonderful and sweet and special and it is what matters and that was going to happen no matter what. We were going to share our vows and be married. The rest...really, honestly, who cares?
I didn't want to be worried about anything and so I chose not to be.
I really had a great time and it was just, fun. The buzzing in my heart in my head, I felt completely light headed.
Things I don't want to forget:
- My dad showing up at my room to lead me to the wedding terrace. That first moment --"Dad!". Then, when we walked out I felt the sun hit me and I felt a little weak. My heart was pounding so fast my vision was blurred.
- Getting up to the table in front of the official marrying us and looking over at Jeff...he was so nervous; his hands were shaking and his eyes...his eyes were so intense. He was really looking at me.
- After the ceremony and waiting for people to gather for photos and just looking over my shoulder and seeing the caldera. The bright blue water against all the white homes and the sun setting in the background. The band was singing --a father and two sons and the song was happy and joyful. Looking up and seeing all the tourists coming out to their terrace and looking down on us, yelling congratulations.
My dad, toasting me. Ah, my dad is toasting me. That moment was...very real for me. I felt like that was the moment that I was married. My dad was toasting me. He was giving me a way.
- Walking back to the hotel room and walking up to our door. All the lights were off and the room was covered in rose petals and flickering candles. Votives lined the floor and champagne waited for us on our bed. It was out of a movie and so perfectly cheesy.
- Lying in the jacuzzi tub. The room glowing with candles. Lying against Jeff while warm water circled and just feeling this dream-like quality float around the room.
