26 Februrary 2000

Media Victim

While photography lecture is usually amusing and excitement inducing, I found yesterday's lecture to be bland and uneventful. How untrue, I realized last night, as I remembered what Tony(the professor), had said when he was trying to define post-modernism.

The world is so saturated by media and bombardment of ads, tv, radio and what not, that there cannot be any originality. That is why contemporary art seems to mimic culture, instead of adding something to it.

So I'm at the red zone, the techno beat blaring, boom, boom, boom... and I'm thinking, "Wow, this is like something out of a movie." And for that sudden moment frozen in time, I realized what a weird statement that was. Did the movies create this scene, and that's where I saw it first, so that's why I recognized what I was seeing? Or did the movies create the scene and we re-invented it? What's real--what's not? Have we all become victims to the media?

It's like when the sky is so beautiful and I comment it looks like a painting. What the hell, the sky is real, the painting is not. And most definitly the sky isn't mimicking the painting, it's the other way around. So what has happened. What has happened to culture, and is orginality really lost? Are we too much a part of flashing lights, pop up ads and trash tv, to ever really think of anything else? We see TV, hear it on the radio, read it in the newspaper, and we trust it. We trust it to be truth, and we look for it in our lives.

My brother is a big fan of reminding me consistently that life is not a movie, no matter how much I try to make my life a drama. I try to convince people of truths or realities by relating everything back to something I've seen...in a movie. Why do I do that?

I was talking with J early afternoon yesterday, trying to let him convince me to call R. I kept on saying I would do it later, and I think I would have eventually. Of course I had crawled up in bed to sleep...i mean, um, read, so I had fallen off into Aglaia World when the phone rings.

It's R.

See, I had nothing to worry about. And his friends knew it too....they had bought me a ticket to see DJ "Bad Boy Dan" over at Red Zone--and they hadn't even checked with R to make sure I was going. They just assumed I was. That's a good, sign, right?

So I said, yeah, sure, would love to go, chit chatted about life. I tried to convince him to let me pay him back for the ticket, but he said nope. That boy has actually spent quite a lot on me. Nothing tangible, but just getting into clubs, dinner, movie, coffee, alcohol, yeah my drugs... ;)

I'm not a feminist in no way, but I always feel weird about the guy paying for things. I mean, obviously I like it, and I always offer (which I think is important) but there's still that voice in the back of my head saying, you'll just have to pay him back in another way. Not that I'm saying that R is hoping by paying for all this stuff I'm going to have sex with him (although, I'm not a guy, so perhaps he is... ;), but at the same time, I just read this article (that was written by a feminist) and she brought up some interesting points.

There's a lot of deal about female prostitution and what not. Officials say that the business of it, has become larger even than drugs! But either way, what the feminist was getting at, was has prostitution really stopped at the streets or on the world market? Aren't woman today still used as prostituates. Like guys paying for dinner and movie. Maybe it's even unconscious, but the girl wants him to, and the guy does it. Men make more money than women at their jobs, they're still supporting the woman....still paying for their sex.

Ahhh, but I'm not too worried about it. ;) So what happened last night?

I was so happy we were going to hang out with all of R's friends because I really like them. I don't know if I actually like them as people, or I just like being in the atmosphere, emersed in the lifestyle of ravers, "professional" druggies, hanging with "alternatives." They all have seemed really nice in the past though, and I feel reasonably cool with them. Once again I had to panic beforehand about what I was going to wear. I didn't know if I should dress for the Zone, or if I should dress for a 'rave.' Since this DJ is a party guy. I dressed for the Zone. I felt so thin in what I was wearing. I mean I know I am thin, just I've never felt really comfortable showing it all off. It was kind of fun to know I was the cute girl with the nice bod. ;)

We leave from my dorm, him looking cute as ever. We decide to go to this coffee shop, which is sort of "upscale." I mean it has a live piano player, understand? So I feel like a slut with what I'm wearing, but whatever. I mean we've got old people in suits, versus Aglaia in club hoppin' clothes. Especially for the Zone. My roomie's advice was to wear, "...the sluttiest thing you own."

But I don't anything slutty, cuz I'm a good girl. .

R and I can kind of hold a conversation, but sometimes I feel like I'm really struggling to come up with something. It was there, at the coffee shop I decided we probably shouldn't date if that's how it is. On the otherhand, I think if we tried we could make it work. I think on a general level we both get along really well, and we kind of see things from the same viewpoint. How often can I find someone who is cute, has such a fun personality, and is awake?

Flash forward to the Zone. There already is quite a few people. Not so much dancing, there's a lot of standing going on, but there's enough people that I don't think you would look silly. R of course was right away into the tunes but I need to let the music and atmosphere get in me before I can dance. It was cool, we walked in to another room and it was playing one of the MP3s I have. All my techno-ish MP3's are completely random, so it's awesome to actually hear it being playing "for real." :)

We go in and out of all the rooms. Red Zone is fun in that way. So much better than the places on Campus. Especially since this place is more dance orientated than bar geared. The places on campus are just too small to really concern themselves with dancing...and i'm pretty sure the average college kid is more interesting in the alcohol anyway. It's only the girls that want to dance. ;)

Okay, this is getting too long, lemme pick it up. Here's some highlights....It impresses me to no end the things R can get me to do. He's already broken so many personal barriers I've placed on myself and I love it. I like who I am when I am with him, and think that's a really great way to feel when you are with someone. He was totally breaking it down in the R&B room, which was so funny, because he's doing some raving and it's 95% black in this room. But we did a little dancing in there, which was fun. I think some of the people were laughing, but at the same appreciated the dancing. It was basically a "stand and stare at the dance floor while bobbing your head to the music," room. So we went in and shook things up. ;)

Ummmm, he was shrooming, and I was completely dry on drugs and anything. Which I think was a good experience to see how much I can handle (drug free :) and I danced for five hours going on pure Aglaia, so it's good to know it can be done. On the otherhand, I admit, I really was wishing I had taken some E because I got Tired! Also, I really began to notice the aches and pains of standing so long...my back hurt, my legs hurt, and yadda yadda. Also, everyone is so cracked out at the Zone, it's such a druggie place, but you almost feel kind of left out. Then again, it was kind of funny being the "sober" one. R was hard core lost inside this fuzzy wall, I have no idea where he was. I just leaned there beside him and giggled as people walked by and gave me that "uh huh" look.

I ran into some of my fellow Alpha Xi sisters. One of them who has long curly red hair, was wearing a platinum blond wig, which looked real, if you can believe it. She looked so cute, and told me there were other sisters there. Ah, five rolling fuzzies. I told them I would rather save a roll for a real rave. But all is well. It was a good experiement, and now we know I can do it....just don't want to ever do that again. ;) Actually I think I would like to try 'shrooms with R because maybe then I could get lost in the fuzzy wall with him. LOL. Ah, togetherness. ;)

After the Zone we went back to his house. Some people had heard that after hours was at his house. (Only a few people actually came up asking about it....good thing too, that would have been psycho if a lot of people had gotten that idea in their heads.) His friends are so funny. We all just sat around, listening to trance, and I listened to them break it down concerning the differences between club techno and the DJ's you get at a party.

This guy Griffin is so cute. He had me smiling the whole time. Not to say Ryan isn't cute either. But it was kind of fun being the only girl really there. Then again, you've got all this great guy humor, but you have to deal with the junky side of guy humor. ;)

This guy Eric was talking about this woman who got impaled with this javelon of pee that came out of an airplane. (It froze in the higher atmosphere). Anyway, Eric was saying, someone must have snapped that picture really quick, because once inside the body it would have melted really fast. He then of course had to share of sticking an ice cube up a girl, if you catch my drift and that it melted incredibly fast. Which got me thinking. I wonder if that would feel good, or would that feel sort of like when you have sensitivity of the teeth to hot/cold. Would it just feel kind of like that? Cold and uncomfortable? Well, something to think about. ;)

Eventually it's like almost 5 and R takes me home. He parks his car, and sometimes he walks me up to my door, but it doesn't look like he's going to do that this time. It's alright, we're both super tired, and we haven't exactly been "into each other" in that last few hours, more just like barely being "together" by sitting on the couch beside it each other. So I open the car door, tell him I had a fine time,yadda yadda. I was looking for a better tag line right as i had half of me creeping out the side of the car. When I turn around and ther's this silent space of a second or two, where I know it must have looked like I was going to say something BUT....

I just lean over, take his face to mine. And viola, we're kissing. Although I feel a little stupid, cuz my leg is kind of dangly out the door, the door is wide open, and his car is completly illuminated by the car light. So it was fun and all, but I felt stupid under all the circumstances, gave him a few short kisses to wrap things up, and finally my tag line of "bye!" seemed to work a lot better this time. The End. :)

I was so pleased with myself. I felt a little silly about kissing him like that,(legs dangling and all ;) but it was good. And I'm glad I did it.

What will become of me and Ryan? Who knows. I think, I would like...something I guess. Even if it isn't boyfriend/girlfriend. And I do like his friends. If I could just be a friend, a tag along raver kid, I think I'd be pretty happpy.

Well, I think I'm going to get drunk tonight. It'll be fun.

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed for when words become superflous." And so it is, so it is...