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busy with midterms, activities, etc.

17 February 2002

So it's been awhile and I know. But I've been stressed, and somehow when it feels like I don't even have any time to just sit and be still, to sit down and write a two hour entry (cuz they always are) when I have homework and life to do, writing an entry starts feeling more like an assignment and a chore than a release and a pleasure.

Because writing is a relief, and it helps me work out things. But i'm a worrier, and when I'm insanely busy, sitting down and writing about it, only makes me internalize everything I haven't done and should have done, and don't have time to do, don't know how I'm going to do it, omg my life is falling apart and i'm out of control.

Make sense?


So I made it through my two weeks of hell: midterms, papers, meetings and work.

It's hard to do it all sometimes. I am rather pleased that on my first two grades back I did rather well. In one I got an 85--which I felt was fine--for being a 600 level class, and I didn't study as hard as I should have, I figured I could accept a "B" as my first midterm grade, because I would have time to recover through the rest of the quarter (it's a lot easier to recover from a "B" obviously than any other grade!!)

THEN, she said the highest grade was an 87. So, then I can easily justify that my 85 looks pretty damn good. Too bad she doesn't curve, or I'd be set. :)


Then in my woman's studies class my teacher said we didn't do horribly...just not as good as he hoped. He went on and on about him not being a good enough teacher because he wants us to be at a higher level of understanding, maybe he'll make up study groups yadda yadda. ha, I got a 95 on the midterm.

Lol, I know I'm a nerd, but it was such a nice reassurance, because I didn't feel like I put in my "all" for these midterms...and it was a whole lotta late minute studying. And while, yes, I'm a major procrastinator, I like to think I'm an organized one. Say.....I do little baby steps, then the night before I just make the final leap to ultimate understanding. But somehow when you're still writing the flashcards or just then reading a chapter for a midterm that's being held a few hours later....uh, that's not good.

So knowing, I did alright was a major esteem booster. Although I did late minute studying, I still felt confidant leaving those midterms...unfortunatly, this week I took my visual comm. midterm and I was definitly the first one finished...uh, basically because I could have made my marks with a blindfold on. Out of 40 questions, I knew *three*. So, let's just hope God was working with me. If I get a "C" on it, I'll be grateful. I sincerely *did not* study for the midterm.

And part of it was burn-out from the week before (11 page paper, two midterms) and part of it was that it's a vis. comm. class. The whole thing is working online to design a website. We were being graded on our work there, I didn't feel like it was necessary to quiz us on the "history" of design or what not. So I suppose, that was me rebelling against a class I don't like.

And I don't like it. I'm not good at design. The teacher is terrible. I think he has a good understanding of design, but he was definitly not "designed" to be a teacher. (sorry, bad pun.)


Ughh, and i've been so busy with...dumb stuff. I mean, not dumb, i've just been overwhelmed. I have a very important job in my house, to educate and orientate the new members that are accepted into my greek house, and it's been keeping me pretty busy. I don't think the girls before me who held this position cared much, because the binder i received was just a mess. I had outdated everything, about four different versions for forms i'm supposed to fill out, etc. Just a mess. Plus, i'm idealistic so I wanted to reform our education process. If you're not greek it won't make sense--or else, i'd try to explain it, really.

I also took on a position on the women's greek council for my university. I was unaware it involved so much time, or else i might have reconsidered applying. I have two meetings a week, plus my own "office hours" i have to attend, plus just doing my own job and making sure everyone in the greek community follows the rules. I'm frustrated, because I am now director of membership development....and, to me, it's a simple job with not too much pressure or responsibility. I considered it an extension of my job here in my own chapter, and I was hoping I could extend my "vision" of greater appreciation for ritual and what not into the other new member educators here at my university.

What i didn't expect was to take on the mental stress of having to worry about the action of all greeks on campus. Obviously as a member of the panhellenic association I understood I would be expected to understand the rules, but I didn't want to have to worry about taking on the problems of the greek community, and trying to fix them, plus enforce other things. To me, having to attend two meetings a week is...rediculous. It's like having our scholarship chair attend executive board meetings that talk about disciplinging people who broke rules in the house. Umm...just let the scholarship chair do her thing and check in a couple times a quarter to let you know what's going on.

I don't have this huge important position, and I don't know why I have to involve myself with all this mess. I just came from being on my own chapter's exec. board....and that's stressing enough. There's no need to have to worry about the ALL greek business now. I don't know, guess i'm stuck now.

Plus, at the moment, it's been really time consuming. With 4 hour meetings here and there, i've had to take a lot of work off...and that's frustrating because i've been making *horrible* money.

Then, we still haven't found an eight person to live in our house, and our leases are due tomorrow. PLUS, one of our girls doesn't even have her lease back from her 'rents, i'm just like Errrgh!!

AND, my car probably needs new brake pads.

I'm just school stressed because i'm time crunched (from stupid meetings for extracurricular activities...which i need, because I have no job experience, so i better have activty experience, you know for resumes...) and then jeff says i don't prioritize him, and somewhere between that I just want to sit down and be alone, and write a diary entry, you know?

As for some recent highlights: I actually got high. I couldn't tell you when...sometime this month. I really meant to get on and document the experience...or at least get it into my hard-copy diary, because that is a reasonably big accomplishment/experience, i think. I think i had previously tried getting high 6-7 times before. I realize I don't think I was ever actually inhaling. Because it hurts a whole lot more when you do. It was interesting because I had a weird side-effect from it: twitching.

All of a sudden, my arm or my leg, or a finger, or an elbow, or any little part in my body began to twitch. You know how you get a twitch sometimes uncontrollably. Well imagine that, except it started out here and there, until it felt like my whole body was twitching like that. Jeff is probably right, that once i noticed it, a lot of was probably just in my head. But I had to actually sit on my feet (indian style), and then sit on my hands so i wouldn't feel my body twitching. Lol, after awhile it was annoying and uncomfortable! But I noticed that in and out. The experience overall was probably nice. It's incredibly mellow. And I started laughing at something--i have no idea what--

And I wanted to stop laughing, cuz i know I was being foolish (in that, if you've ever seen someone high laughing like way) and I tried wiping my smile off. Like I had my face in my hands, trying to cover myself up, and it felt like my hands were just sliding down my face like puddy. It's hard to explain.

Kind of a nice...bonding experience. I could see how that would be a cool way to have a mutual experience with someone you don't know that well. We were with Jeff's old roomie and a girl who is a neighbor of theirs. It's interesting, because all of these guys play the "mr. cool" thing (except jeff--not that he's not "cool", but he doesn't act like one of those guys who thinks they're all that.) And all of these guys only have "cool" girls as friends.

The type of girls that give sorority girls the "cliche". And there's nothing wrong with being thin and beautiful, dress well, etc. but...it's almost like, after only seeing people like that at their house, it just becomes tiring. I practically live at jeff's house, so if i want to come over one day in jeans and a t-shirt with athlectic shoes, i shouldn't feel "trashy" if one of these girls stop by, because it's always nice pants, black boots and an expensive coat.

Please, be normal sometimes!

And this girl, that we got high with--is as normal as can be. I'll admit I don't have "normal" proportions. I am thin, (I like to think I'm pretty attractive ;), i'm tall, etc. But I'm incredibly laid back (and i'm a terrible dresser, haha) But this girl, isn't ugly, but she isn't beautiful either, her hair isn't perfect, and she dresses comfortably, and i want to run over and sit by her and just be her best friend, because you know she's not some fake front.

I like that.

I like to think I don't have a fake front either. I know I have my moments, and it's mostly the "sorority girl" image that i'm trying to live up to, but I'm definitly "real." And if i'm going out and i want to look nice, sure i'm going to wear the "outfit" of black pants and a sweater, but so is any other girl. She doesn't have to be greek.

Okay, going off track. Not like there is much of a track. Oh, other highlights: went to Indiania last weekend for the big ten council. There were these two guys, yeah, they wanted me, lol.

It's interesting....to still have those desires to play that dating game. I know I got lucky and found jeff early into it all, and i'm glad I did. But I still miss that fun, unknowing, flirting ...that whole lifestyle. I think i just liked the attention. I don't know.

Well, i'm off to jeff's. Let's see if I can't write more often, huh?

Oh yeah, and i had sex four times Saturday. Haha.






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