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shady mom behavior, preg. worries

30 July 2000

Hello. The canker sores are back. (How's that for a disgusting way to start out my entry? ;) I don't know, they really suck. I've got two. Both insanely huge of course. I've got a headache. My acne is still junky. I swear I'm not stressed about anything. But they all seem like things I get when I am stressed.


Each month, as I am days away from getting my period, or am in that "my period could happen" day area I begin to wonder if I'm pregnant. I almost don't even want to talk about. A silly [sponsoring thought: what you resist persists] cwg-er idea. It's easy to think I'm not. It's easy to think that I'm on birth control and that should be enough. But it's not 100%. What if, what if. I AM not. How's that for cwg....?]

So yeah, that's where I am right now. In that, I really wish my period would just happen already stage.


It's hard to say what would be the steps I would take if it would ever happen. Growing up I was always pro-choice but "not for me." Basically, I believed in the right to choose, but for me personally I would have the child. All of a sudden as pregnancy and its reality threat teases me each month, i don't think I would have the baby. It's hard, a part of me thinks, maybe if it happened, it was meant to be and I should go ahead and keep it. I could never give a child up for adoption. That's the selfish part.

But I wouldn't be a good mother. I don't have the patience, the willingness, the money or the love or motivation for it at this time in my life. I am young, I am still learning how to straddle the world of child and adulthood. I would not be a good parent if I brought life into this world. It would be so unfair for Jeff. For whoever I was with. First, because I didn't insist on condoms early on, when he was still asking, because I am on birth control. I don't even know if I would tell him.

If I would tell anyone. I would tell you. I would tell my very best online friend, James. But I'm not sure if I could tell anyone. I suppose you would have to. I mean to get an abortion, you really would need the support. I would want my mom to be with me.

My mom. Sigh. It's bad right now. If I'm stressing about something, I suppose it could be her. I'm beginning to remember how wonderfully freeing it was to leave for college. Sure there were the uncertainties and the excitement of doing something new....but seriously, I was just happy that I wouldn't be with my mom anymore. I just can't....stand how she is. I just know I'm going to be like her as a mom, it makes me sick, i hope I'm not...

It seems even more now than lately, the whole "you should have done this, you need to do this, I can't believe you did that, why don't you do this..." BS is really pounding down on me.

I don't want your advice. I don't want your counsel. I don't need you to tell me what I should have done, or could have done (Because I didn't. It's over.) It doesn't matter how little it is, everytime I speak she has to fire something back at me.

I left my windows down at work, and it flash flood/rained. So I drove home, in soaking seats. Oh well you know? I thought it was kind of funny. So I got home and turned around to show my mom my lovely wet behind. I thought she'd laugh and say that sucked (well she would never say that, but you know what I mean ;)

Nope. She almost got huffy and angry, and attacked me with her words, asking me why I didn't roll them up, why I didn't roll them up when I saw it was raining. Why I didn't roll them down when I got home to dry out (cuz it might rain again, maybe mom?)

She made run back out and roll the windows down.

Awhile later--she made me run out in the pouring rain to put them back up.

Yeah. I mean it was stupid, and I didn't want to hear it. Yeah, I shoud have put them up, it would have saved me from getting wet. But it wasn't a big deal. I mean it's not like she was worried about the car, or my clothes or anything, I don't know what her real issue is.

I showed her a pair of pants I bought and asked her if they were too short with my black boots (because of the heel.) Yes, she agreed they were. So I sighed, and said how much it sucked that no one makes long black pants for tall girls. She goes on this huge rant that everyone has problems finding clothes. That I need to shop at "tall" stores, or buy men's pants. When I scoffed, and asked her if she really thought I could get "club" bootleg styled black pants at a place like that or in the men's department, she was mad like "of course you could find bootleg men's pants."

What?! I mean, yeah right. How many of you really think I could find form fitting black pants in a guy's section. That's so stupid.

Or maybe I am. I don't know.


I'm having a food issue right now. Past three or four days. I'm sort of non-stop hungry. I just want to eat, always. I feel hungry after I eat a meal, I think about food. I'm pretty sure it's the pms and it'll all end soon, but in the meantime I've sort of been giving in to all the temptation. I wonder how much I will weigh when I go see the doctor.

I've stopped growing.

But I continue to gain weight.

The clothes fit the same, I think I look the same, I guess I shouldn't worry about it (and obviously I'm not, since I'm not doing anything about it ;) But I wish I could/would. I'm working so much I don't have the energy for it. My freetime is spent taking naps. After working three hours in the morning and seven hours at night, I don't feel like coming home at 11:30 pm and working out for an hour.

I feel like eating. hehe.


Leave for Washington D.C. on Monday, will be back Thursday night. (No updates.) I wonder when Kathryn comes home.

I've been making good money at work. Serving is still fun. I made a bunch of mistakes tonight. But I'm learning. It'll get better. I'll get better.

Looking for new music? Check out "dreamMaker" at MP3.com Fun, new techno artist.


I miss Jeff..just knowing I won't see him for a few days. Isn't that silly?

I'm ready for school to start.






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