21 July 2001

Trauma all over the place.

But that's what happens when you PMS.

I've always wondered if a guy could really understand what you were feeling while you are PMSing. Like, do they believe you? Then I read that guys also go through a monthly change in hormone levels that could lead to PMS-like feelings. I'm sure it's not like the full blown girl issue, but still, it's interesting.

A girl is just so tender and emotional at this time. It sucks, because when bad things happen it just hits you a lot harder, and you can't bounce back as easily. It just seems like crying is the answer to everything....even when you don't know what you're crying about. (Which is why the idea of a woman prez makes me kind of uneasy...those jokes about a female president while PMSing...I believe 'em. I just don't think--at least I--could handle the stress of presidency while I was so emotional and crazy!)

I've had a pretty shitty week at work money wise, and last night was a kicker. I got stuck with a three table section unfortunately (hey, it happens), and then they pulled two of them together for a ten person reservation....about an hour and a half before they were supposed to arrive. So....I was running a 1 table section for most of the night, while everyone ran around enjoying the Friday night business, making money, and yadda yadda. I basically bussed, and stood around. Finally...an hour and a half after my reservation was supposed to show up, they decided to separate my tables and open it back up to the general public.

Of course, by then, the rush was over, and they weren't really needed (they're two six seaters). Then I find out it was written down wrong and the party is coming in tomorrow night...and of course, I'm going to be outside, so I won't get them. I was already pissed with the section, and the fact they took it away from me so early, but then when no one even apologized to me (grr). Do you know how rediculous it is to have A TABLE to serve on a Friday night?

While everyone was probably walking out with 80-100+ I left with 45 dollars. AND, the only reason I left with that, is because God left a gift of a final table of two, who for some bizarre reason left me 27 dollars on a 90 dollar check. And I was pissed I had to tip out the busser 5 bucks because I didn't need him to buss a damn thing, when I only had A TABLE. So bleh, I mean, overall, who cares, it could have happened to anyone, and the fact that I was really emotional all night long didn't help it.

I'm just trying to save money to buy a car, and it's just really frustrating when I make really bad money. And I think I'm going to get a loan for a car anyway, because I want to have enough money for insurance, and just in case if something would happen to it and it'd need repairs, etc. I just hate the way money can bring you down. And part of it is my fault, because I haven't saved every dime--but at the same time, i am young, and it's the summer time, and I shouldn't have to sit around and do nothing, and spend nothing just so I can have a stupid car----

And really, the only reason I need/want a car, is so I can drive myself to work while i'm at school! Yaa. Bleh.

And this is another dumb thing, but I'm trying to work out regularly, and so it's just really important that I get my three days a week thing in....wait.

I ask my dad if we can go car shopping/looking today (sat.) and he says yes. I also ask Jeff if he can go (just in case if my dad didn't feel up to it.) And he also said he would, after he did some things for his mom in the morning.

So today, I get up, shower, and start showing my dad some of the ads I had found, and he tells me he made plans to play tennis at 1pm (It was before noon at this point.) And it was just like....sweet, dad. I mean, and this is getting back to working out, but if I'm gonna work out I have to do it early in the morning.

And now i've already showered, and I REALLY hate having to shower twice in a day (especially within hours a part!). Grr, I'm all frustrated now.

And when I called Jeff he was still sleeping, so hadn't got any of his stuff done for the day. It just sucks.

But other than being overly stressed and frustrated with daily petty things as such, life has been pretty decent to me. I went out with one of my sorority girls, been hanging out with kat a little. OH OH OH....

I ran into my girl, Amanda while walking to class on Thursday (for recap, I had a couple of classes with her, and I heard from another student she's bi...which led to my ponderings about "being with a girl"). Anyway, she even gave me a hug when she saw me. :)

Seriously, we have a lot in common in one sense, and on the other, she's just really different (er, strange) which I find fascinating. It would be great to have a friend who could really test me. As I was crying last night, thanking god for the guy who gave me that outstanding tip after such a upsetting night, I realized I hadn't spoken to God in so long. It kind of hurt knowing I had ignored this part of me which is so big.

One thing about not being involved in the church, is that I'm not really pressed to think about God in my daily life. I stopped going to the the church, though, because it didn't represent anything I believed. I also don't want to feel accused and ashamed of my beliefs, when I feel so strongly about them. I desire fellowship, but I don't want to feel attacked, y'know?

So anyway, I think Amanda could really open me up. She's spiritual, she likes philosophy, she's studying psychology, a borderline alternateen/goth-ish, but not--kind of a girl. Just very interesting, and we decided to exchange numbers, and I really hope we get together. It would be....well, a trip to just actually make a "date" and just hang out with her.

I would love to gain a friend outside of my sorority--that I would feel comfortable enough spending time with. My mom is right...I need to have some closer girlfriends. Jeff is IT, right now in my life. Which is okay for me, because I've never been a huge group-friend person. I have a few close ones, and I've given myself to him. But as always, there is that risk of something happening....and I'm not sure how I would bounce back if I lost my boyfriend (my love) and my bestfriend (which he is.)

Depression, anyone?

I wrote another crappy report for Poli-sci....I wish I could just have two good grades on my papers already so I could stop stressing about them!

Talk later..

(please let me make some money tonight!)

-ag