18 September 2000

Moved in. Completely. Well, sort of. I admit, living so close to home makes me a lazy packer. While I know it�s a hassle for my parents (and really, for me as well) it�s too easy to just keep making a jot list of stuff I need or stuff I�ll get later�and they can come get me and take me to where I need. Which of course, is when my mom starts complaining of being used. And she�s right. I am using her, them, my parents.

I miss my parents. I mean, I do like living at home. It�s just the curfew that really makes it a bad living environment. I wish she would understand that. I don�t know if I�d actually take them up on their offer (they�d buy me a used car if I�d live at home while at school for a year) even if I didn�t have a curfew. But it sure would make the offer a little do-able. There�s just no way I would do that with a curfew. It�s bad enough being so far from everything. I really couldn�t go out (because I couldn�t drink, because I�d have to drive home.) And it�s not even just the drinking (although that�s a huge part ;) but just being off-campus�..it would just be going to school.

I know me. That�s sort of the fun of being right here in the middle of it all. All those random bits of �hey let�s go do this�.��you wouldn�t be involved or invited to that. Or, even if invited, I�d be too lazy to come down here. It�s not that far�but far enough, I probably wouldn�t be going out that much. And really, school isn�t fun. It�s the environment, the people that is. Living at home, would basically be, terrible. I think my mother was really hurt when I was rambling and came to that conclusion. But it�s not about her, or the family. It�s about missing out on this whole college experience thing. And missing this would be terrible.

I have a little confession. This whole sorority thing�I do like it, but at times, I feel like such a (gasp, was I going to say �tool�.) Haha, that�s so Tim-speak. But I mean, I do. It�s so cheesy. And I think that was my original point. Cheesiness. J Haha, but like�.I don�t even know what I�m thinking. I�ve got that whole racing thoughts thing going on, I can�t keep it straight.

First of all, I�m writing this all off line. Which is strange. Because it�s one thing to write a personal thing to yourself in your written diary, but d-land speak, really is a little different. So now I just feel like a freak, sitting here in my room by myself, having a conversation�uh, with myself, to the computer. (Hola computadora.)

I guess it�s still a status thing. I did cheerleading because I liked the whole �I�m a cheerleader.� I also really loved to cheer�or else I never would have done it. And I really like my sorority, and already it has influenced me (have I mentioned this guy I�m dating, Jeff?, haha). But there�s times, when I feel so�.aglaia. and I sort of know, that I can�t put up the face all the time. And it�s not even like, I�m always wearing this cakey mask for the rest of the girls, but it�s still there, and you still have this desire to be accepted and liked. You want to be the girl people want to hang out with. You want people to ask you what you are wearing out that night, or where you are going.

But while I was so excited with the prospect of actually having this huge posse of �girlfriends� to hang out was so novel and fun in my head for me, the fact, is that I�ve have a close best friend or two all my life, not a gang, because I�m not the gang type person. I do love meeting new people, and I like to party (so I picked the right group ;) but�.ultimately, I can�t make myself a big groupie, because I�m not. I�m not a clique-ish person.

I walked into a store today, sort of an alternateen/rocker low-key hole in the wall cd place along the main campus strip, and I was wearing this super blue ALPHA XI DELTA t-shirt. I walked in, smiled at the cashier guy (he just walked away.) And a lot of times, you get that. It�s like you represent cliques and snobbiness, and all that junk, no one wants to deal with Greeks, because it almost does present this �I�m better and separate from you� mind frame. I saved myself by buying some European cuts of a bjork cd, and we started talking together about her new album (because of me, he ripped a new one off the shelf open and put it in to listen to it. J . Of course, no one in the house has even heard of her. Whatever. Haha.

One day in the house and I�m already back to my old self. (Queen of nap.) I mean, you�re in this little room that you call your own, what�s a girl supposed to do? Especially with no �net or my TV hooked up (who knows if I even can get anything, seeing as we can�t get cable in our rooms) I mean, it�s just kind of boring. I am very independent dependent and I have to watch that here a lot. Either I�m going to cling onto a few girls, or I�m just going to go off on my own and be a total anti-social. We�re going out tonight. I�m excited about that. I mean, I�m so twisted about stuff.

I�m walking down High St. earlier, and a rush of excitement flutters over me. Yaa, I�m back on campus, I love teenagers, I love this all! Then later, I�m walking down and I�m disgusted. Same old �free t-shirt� (sign up for a credit card) deals, homeless are singing jingles and trying to get some money, same old �hello how�s your summer been� reunions.� Sometimes it just gets old. It�s all old. I hate it feeling old, when really I�m so young. How can you live a whole life like this? Because I don�t think it ever really changes.

I hope I won�t be intimidated by Jeff�s frat. They are so the epitome of fraternity preppy �we�re so rich and cool�� and that�s really hard for me. I�m very laid back compared, and I don�t want to feel like I have to change my clothes, or change my attitude to fit in. I mean, what I always liked about Jeff is that, here is a guy who was the lacrosse guy, the UA rich neighborhood person. And he was so awesome and cool, I just loved it. I hope, he�s like that�around his brothers and such.

Haha, Microsoft word is like, �Girlfriend, you do not know how to use comma�s, and hello miss fragments!� La la la. Well, this is more like conversation than a report, so who care�s right? Besides, I love commas. J

My bed is so comfy! Much nicer than the dorm one, although I bet they�re the same, so I don�t know what has changed. Maybe just cuz they aren�t lofted it feels better. The one nice thing about your bed being raised, was you could climb up there and and get away from people. Like earlier, Kris (my roomie) had friends over, and I wanted to take a nap (of course, what else would I want to be doing at four in the afternoon?) But they were all over the room, and some chillin on my bed and such. Which was fine, they seemed very nice, and cool, and I liked listening to their stories and such. But like, it would have been nice to take my nap. J

Haha, oh geez, am I going to survive here? I�m back in psychology mode again. Like I was stationed here just to stand back and observe, and survive, no matter how torturous, haha. La. No, I think it will be fine, probably more than fine, I bet I�m going to have lots of fun. If I don�t feel like doing something, then I just won�t do it. I�m not going to worry about being cool, or being the perfect fit to all the personalities here, because I don�t have the time and the energy. If I was meant to be friends with someone, it�ll happen naturally. I need to stop being such a try-hard.

I think I�m going to write myself an �exercise� contract. I want to start working out regularly. I want to be fit, and in shape. I�d like to lose a little weight, tighten up a little. Don�t we all? I don�t think I�ve worked out in more than a month and a half.

I called my mom up a little go. Friction. Need to stay away from her awhile. Goodness, it�s good to be away. Sorry mom, I love you.