29 April 2000

Sometimes I get this romantic, transcending life feeling. Your thoughts becomes waves, visuals like swimming worms across your eyes, carving out, etching into the grooves of your brain, in and out of your ears. It must be the trance music.

I dress down, steal a shirt from my roommie, and I'm off to a TG with Sigma Chi last night. No one is at the house, although I do run into a "friend of a friend" guy from HS. He hugs me like we're old buddies, says it's amazing i'm in college now, it's been so long yadda yadda. (he's a year or so older). I blurt out, "wow, you're big". Not that my memory serves up a picture of someone scrawny but he's puffed up. Some looks like marshmellows, and others look like rippling muscles. He probably looks good naked.

But always a cutie, we now have a knowing wink and smile when our paths cross that night. It's nice to have connections. Sigma Chi. I'll remember.

It's just me and two other girls, they say the party is next door, since they've been banned from having socials at their house. Wonder what they did. The house is empty. Great party. They drag the keg out and more people come. We all file into a line. I'd like my journalistic tendencies to snap a picture of that. dark, with a flash, outside. Girls, shivering in their barely there tank tops and unending black pants. Guys circling the keg dishing out the goods to the next in line. The line that crawls around the corner back into the house. People barely talking.

They can't, without their beer.

I'm ten seconds shy of not even drinking at that point. What's the point? But there I am, in line.

Well, if I'm going to drink, I'm going to make those calories last. Four beers I tell my friends. Four beers, and I'm going to have a decent conversation with three sigma chi boys.

It's good to mingle. Ryan gave me that "social party confidence". Hello is easy. What's your major is fine.

Why did my girls laugh at me when I asked the guys why they decided to join a fraternity? Of course, I was drunk by then. But so were they. It seemed like a valid enough question. Was it weird? Why were they laughing?

I was rambling. At one point I had to tell myself to shut up. I pulled myself in, crumbled. I wanted to cry, I wished I could see my face in a camera, on the screen to watch. Was I making a fool of myself?

I drank my four beers. I talked to my three guys. Hell, I probably upped the number on both. I told my quill sis I wished she was my big, and she agreed. Love my sisters.

Danced on a table. Spilled my beer on Nicole. The night isn't over until I get beer on Nicole. She probably hates me, it's like my TG curse. Must spill beer down the back and shoulders of Nicole.. I walked in on a guy peeing. Hey, ya know, that's why you should shut the door. Took some pictures. We decided to go visit some afterhours. I don't really remember them that much. I don't think we stayed long. I remember saying, "lets just go home guys, let's just go home...." So we did. A lil catfish biff's (that's a slice of pizza mind you), stumbling back to my dorm. Flash the I.D. and up the stairs.

In my room. Roommie is not there. I'm callin' Chris.

Page Chris. It's only after 2:00, maybe he'll call. Pull out the flip & fuck and blanket too. Change my clothes. I love my 7-up t-shirt. Forget the pull out, climb into my loft. Goodnight. He doesn't call.

Or if he did. I didn't hear. ;)

I dream drunk. Talk about trippy. I was at a (gas station?) mini-mart. I wanted a fruit juice. I couldn't decide on lemonade or like that fruit punch stuff. I asked the guy who works there and he hands me a jug of orange juice. But that's not what I want. And this confusion goes on for a really long time. They start closing up shop, and I'm like, oh no, but i need some fruit juice! So the lady goes and is opening up the stuff again, and as she's locking it back down, this real big fat guy is winking at me and pours half of out into a cup of his. (The fruit juice...except it turned into vodka when he was pouring.) And the whole dream I kept on finding half empty containers in the store, and I realized this guy must have been drinking them. So i get all huffy, and the lady is like "hey! that's my cousin." (Kinda like, don't talk about my cousin, yo!). So okay. And I'm trying to pay for it, and he comes up behind me and grabs my butt and is holding on to my cheeks for dear life.

But I'm just laughing. And everyone is laughing. And I just kind elbow nudge-nudge, haha, that is pretty funny, huh? Good thing I'm drunk, cuz I don't care. And all that goes on for awhile.

Well. Dreams are hard to explain, I'll just stop there. ;)

I think I want to marry a muscian. I want that to be his life too. Not some hobby or on the side. I want him to be his music. Consumed in it. Feel it. The way song just over takes me, it's this incredible wave. I love the arts. I swear I can't have an office job, I just can't. I don't know what I'm destined for, but I need to be in something that is constantly bombarding me with emotions, and feelings, and love. Because it's all love, aint it? And the way I Feel god really is through all of the arts, it's when I feel passionate. It's when I feel right. It's when I feel good.