27 March 2000

I'm standing cold at the intersection, staring patiently, endlessly at the red sirens of Don't Walk pounding back into my eyes. My mind is saying nothing, but peacefully rushing, streaming, all of a sudden I feel so strange in the skin I wear, the friends I stand by.

I don't know these girls, nor them to me. Who are we, but machines, toys of the Matrix. And uncomfortable feeling creeps along like a slug apon my arms, down my back leaving its residue behind. It seems like time goes by so fast, I find myself somewhere and don't know how I got there, what I did, what i've said, or done, my past, my dreams; blurred.

Thinking, thinking. It's not that going is so bad, I just feel, almost suddenly, that it doesn't serve who I am anymore. I want to take an active stand, a part, a place.

Charming. I love the way the word rolls along; the slight lift of your tongue, your lips rising, opening, pressing together to fit the mmm together to fit its word. It's a fabulous adjective. I almost covet the word more than i do than to be nice. I've given up on nice. It's not that I couldn't be, or am mean. It's simply unnatural.

Don't get confused, not that i'm naturally cruel, it's society's definition of nice, that I can't live up to. It's fake, it's degrading, it's straining, and draining. It's that little thing that you can't place your figer on but it's there. All the fake emptiness that we pretend. Nice is not an action, a feeling I understand. I believe there to be kindness. A raw, characteristic, still true, even if done with selfishness, kindess can still be present, but what is nice?

It's interesting after a week of being continuously flirted with, seen as completely an objection of their desire, I'm walking with a cushion of comfortability concerning my sexuality. It's fun to air that sweet flair of coquettish (sp?) femininity with confidence and candy sweetness. Sick yet?

I'm still back and forth concerning my feelings for Chris. On the top there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with him, but I love to doubt, so here I am. I don't usually think of myself as one to sabotage a relationship before a relationship even occurs but that's what I feel like I'm doing. Is it gut instinct, or what am I so scared of?

I can't figure out why he likes me. Sure I'm my biggest fan, and I enjoy the pleasures of my Ally McBealish quirks and random sense of humor, but.....Okay so I flip my hair like I'm the pantene girl, or the head cheerleader floating by the tongue drawn boys on the line beside, and I've got a nice body and know it, but there you go, i'm self-absorbed (only for you dear diary :) and conceited, but I don't know why he likes me. He's very good looking, can dress well, likes to dance, has graduated, has a great job, is successful. What's his damage, what's the catch? What do I got that makes me so special? What did I do to catch his eye and keep it?

I know he's a good guy who isn't just out to get that. He told my friend, "It's like she's got this good girl thing going on, but she's cool as F*ck." Well thank you (I think? ;) But I am a good girl (sort of) and I'd rather have that image than something else. Is he attracted to that? I'm sure there are plenty of girls around his age, perhaps in his job, that he could connect with? Have we connected? We had one night and got fast really close. A roll does that.

Ahem, oral can do that too. Of course I didn't give him any. So it's not like he's coming back for more.

He'll be in town Wednesday-Sunday this week. I'm sure we'll get together, I'd like to see him. It'll be interesting. We've been taken out of context. I was in a hormone induced atmosphere, but more than that, I was taking advantage of 'once in a lifetime' lifestyles and experiences and doing crazy things, to be crazy, just because. We're getting together now back in reality. Seperate from our friends, even though we were always separate from them, in a sense while together.

He's got these penetrating eyes. Maybe that's what's wrong. He really looks me.

What's he thinking?