3 June 2000

Last night.

Jeff had mentioned to me the night before that Sigma Chi was having their date party the next day (which would be Friday.) He asked me if I wanted to go...sure, sure...said he'd call me around 5:30-6:oo once he got off work. Said we might miss the beginning of it (I think they go out to dinner at a nice restaurant, then somewhere to dance) but still wanted to go.

I'm still drunk at this point. Meredith of course, is looking at me with that look of her's. Aglaia, she said--You can't go out, our pledges go active tomorrow night.

Oh yeah. My bad.

So, I figure I will talk to him when he calls, and maybe we can still get together, maybe after the ceremony for our new members and such.

He doesn't call. I have to be up at the house by 7:30, so I just go up there. I'm kind of in, a depressive, pensive mood. Heidi notices. I'm just...sick of this drunk behavior. I know I didn't do anything "bad" last night, or act out of control or anything, but I just...maybe part of it was Josh snubbing me, and me acting the fool, and Heidi laughing at everything I do. I think, she really is just laughing with me, not at me, but I feel...bad. Like, well, obviously I don't want to be laughed at. I never feel like I'm saying stupid stuff--even when they repeat it back to me the next day.

Am I really saying dumb stuff, they all seem okay in my mind. I guess maybe, because I don't care. I'm going to say whatever I want, and I don't care about what people think. Don't get this impression I'm saying all these crazy things, I'm not, but I don't know....I guess people around me think I'm acting dumb, so I just...I wanted to stop.

People used to call me shy and quiet. I was never shy, but I was incredibly quiet. As I grew older, it continued, and I hated it. Please, don't tell people they are acting so quiet, yadda yadda. I know it sounds silly, but it really is damaging. I speak when I have something to say. I respond, I argue, I comment, I praise...I speak--really I do. I hated being called quiet, but then grew to accept it.

Being quiet isn't so bad, I thought. Because sometimes I really am, quiet. Unfortunately people tie that in with being shy...which I'm not, but I gave up on worrying about it. But there's still that....that need to some how, keep talking with who i am today. I don't want to be labeled that quiet shy girl again. So I think I do sometimes try to over compensate, by having all this hyped up energy, and babbling, and what not. It's not exactly putting on an act, I'm still talking only when something pops up in my head...but maybe you shouldn't do that. I don't think I like being like that. I still don't think I'm saying stupid stuff, but if other people think so...

I don't know. I just....I wanted to be quiet again, almost last night. I was just going to shut up. How ironic. I was going to try to be quiet, and not say anything. Maybe it bummed me out too much.

Our TG was being held at someone's apartment/house whatever. It was outside. It got cold, and I was wearing a bra-less tank, and you could definitly tell that I was cold. I didn't drink. The beer was rank, and I didn't feel like it. I'm glad, that it seems that I drink when I want to add something to when I'm having fun--opposed to drinking to make up for when I'm feeling bad. I think that's how alcoholism starts. I'm definitly not like that. I'd rather deal with it on my own. It makes me feel stronger.

3 til midnight, I tell my girls that I will be leaving after those 3 minutes finish up. They could walk with me if they wanted, or I could walk by myself. I didn't care.

They looked like they were having fun, but three of them all were like "I'm coming with you!" Um, okay.

Got some pizza, back to the dorms.

I think part of my bum mood, was that my night before lasted too long, and I was tired, but also because I wanted to see Jeff. Before I left for the TG, he had left me a message, then I called him, and left a message. When I got home at 12:30, there was another one from him. I wasn't sure if there would be much point in calling him, now, but i did anyway.

I guess after the date party, everyone is supposed to go back to Sigma Chi, and the boy is supposed to have brought a bottle of liquor to mix with all their stuff, to share between him and his date. Looked like Jeff, dateless, was at his apartment, and had finished almost his whole bottle of rum. He was feeling mighty fine when I called him. ;)

Talked for awhile, apologized for continuing to miss each other, playing phone tag and such. He asked me if I wanted to come over and finish the rum with him, or we could go up to sigma chi, or whatever. I decided I would just go over and hang out, and see what we wanted to do from there.

It was so cold out walking home. I changed into jeans, a plain long sleeved shirt and athletic shoes. Totally comfy. I wondered if it was too soon to be busting out the casual clothes, cuz he usually saw me in party gear, or some of my nicer casual clothes. :) But I didn't care much.

Walking down high street...alone, after midnight. It's interesting. I felt so ghetto though, cuz everyone was dressed up :) Two nice guys captured me and were telling me stories, but eventually I made it to Jeff's apartment. Walked up the stairs, and knocked.

No answer.

Knocked again. What if he passed out? Pause. Knocked again. Glanced at my watch...I'll give him 4 minutes, then i'm walking back! Waited. Knocked again, but louder this time. I think I hear someone moving around inside.... He opens the door.

He's on the phone.

Talking with a girl...named Amy. :) He's telling her he will take her out to dinner for her birthday. Maybe it's his sister I thought? ;) I slide backwards down the back of their leather couch, and sink into it. Ahhh! I think I could sleep and live in that couch, it felt so good. He came over and made faces at me and to the phone. He kept trying to go, but then it would start up all over again. He finally finished up. Said it was one of his really good friends who had moved to Cincinnati.

Pulls me up out of the couch. Rum? he asks. How about a sip of water first I say. It's a little trek to make it over to his place from mine. Especially cuz I was power walking :) Go into his room. He mixes me some rum and coke. I've never had that before. It was strong. We sit there, flipping channels, laughing and talking about stuff. He was real sweet, said he knew I was really drunk last night, and was trying to watch out for me.

Thanks Jeff.

I drink some more. Take a couple shots of that cinnamon schnaps again. That stuff burns, but makes you so warm all over. I still have to say that, that is one of my faves. Finish my rum/coke. Just a nice buzz, nothing crazy. He makes another drink, so now the rum is gone. I drink that too. I don't remember what we talked about, or what we watched on tv, but it was all very pleasant. We mess around with each other, just calling names, and poking fun at our behavior.

He's really adorable.

At some point we start to kiss. Then kiss a lot and more. He gets up, shuts his door and the lights go off. More of that. He puts the futon down flat.

He's wonderful.

I've never had someone be more on target ever. He even makes fingering, amazing. I get so sensitive so quick though. It's like it's so much activity that the sensations explode to a point, where it almost hurts. I can't even breathe. When he stops I want to cry. It's just too much. I wish I knew what to do. Because, it's good, but it's too much. I can't really enjoy myself, because I can't take it.

I go down on him. And I enjoy it.

I enjoy him.

It's fun to experience that. To just...like someone, and be cool with them, but not be so totally overwhelmed with them, that you feel this need to perform. I did it cuz I wanted to, I wanted to make him come, but he wouldn't let me. It is awfully messy ;) By some point we're both naked.

I'm waiting for him to.... I know I want to have sex, but I'm not about to do it unprotected. We're still making out, and eventually, i decide i would just take the lead, and I ask him if he has a condom.

Yes he does.

He keeps slipping out of me. But it's not uncomfortable, we're just laughing, and silly. I even like being on top. Maybe I've finally passed that point of sex hurting. I still think sex is a power trip for the woman. I don't feel as if I could come while we're having sex, but it's still enjoyable. So instead of really concentrating on yourself, you're putting your energy into someone else...which it feels good to you too. You know that he will eventually come, and you're a part of making that happen ;)

So kind...he's even trying to stimulate my clit while we're going at it. Appreciated, but still..too sensitive for it. He comes. Asks me if I want him to continue. Nah. Kind of make out some more, then we get dressed to go out and get some water. Come back to his room, kiss and play some more, then go to sleep.

Awake around 10:30, turn on cartoon network. Watch classic Bugs Bunny cartoons. Talking, laughing, kissing, playing. It starts getting serious, and we're getting naked again. I'm laughing in my head. Am I about to have sex at noon in the middle of the day? I decide I'm not going to ask this time. He wants me, he can ask. ;) It takes him awhile, but he eventually does. Much more coordinated this time, not slipping out as much. He's on the top the whole time. More focussed, and less lovin on the side. Concentrated. If he even brushes his fingertips over me, I shudder. I'm always really sensitive the next day.

He goes. We kiss some more. Get dressed. Back in the kitchen cleaning up things, talking and such. Get ready to go and he takes me home.

It never mattered how I felt by my actions I always felt there was some rule on how I should feel.

Today I feel nothing but right for my actions. No shoulds. I just do. I smile when I think about him. I can't really say what it is I feel about Jeff and I as a relationship. It just feels natural, whatever it is.