26 October 2003

So Jeff and I had a major crying event last night.

The evening began innocently enough. I had a GC for a restaurant so we went out to dinner and conversation was light and usual until....I'm not sure how it began or even what brought the topic up but some how the issue of children was discussed.

This has been touched on before with us but having brought up the marriage Q two weeks earlier I needed to get this issue settled. What it came down to is Jeff is not sure what he wants. He doesn't think he wants kids and if he did he really didn't want to think about that until far into the future. And yes the whole marriage idea scares him, and he didn't say it in so many words but I think the idea of formal responsibility frightens him.

We are still young and relatively responsibility-free...especially living at home there is not much pressing on us. Being with me...even 'forever' doesn't necessarily throw him off, but I think in his head marriage means settling down and doing "grown up" things which definitely excludes partying, traveling, going off and doing something crazy and what not. He's not ready to give up a 'young lifestyle' and neither am I. I still want to go out. I want to travel before I "settle down" too.

Jeff also tried to explain to me his mental idea of marriage and that means being able to support himself and me. I think he understands that we'll both be working and whatever, but that he will take on a new role of a provider, and that is a role he cannot begin to fill until he has a job and savings, etc. Which is fine....I explained that I obviously expected (myself) to contribute financially to our home and so on and that there would be no need for him to take on this "Man of the House" thing. But that didn�t seem to help.

He also explained that every guy just wants to surprise the girl in this amazing/creative way and that if we were always talking about it then it could never be a surprise. Which is all good but to me that's just general BS because it can still be a surprise. I think in his head discussing marriage =discussing a wedding. Which...is partly true, if we are going to seriously discuss marriage I might as well discuss our wedding even though I may not formally be planning it yet.

Sure, I'd like a wedding date. I would like to have an informal plan for our future. I'm thinking in 1.5 years from now we'll be in a financially solid position (meaning we have a place and "real" jobs in a new city). Then a year from then we'll get married. I don't see why we can't get engaged now, though. I don't need a ring (but that'd be nice ;) And I want to talk about our future because as things come up I don't want to feel censored.

Basically at dinner it got to a point where he told me he couldn't give me a "yes" on having kids and he wasn't ready to talk about marriage even though he had every intention of being with me and having a future with me.

Inside, I...was overwhelmed and...scared! I was scared to really think about what this meant and where our relationship stood. I couldn't even look at him, because I felt like I had this heavy decision to answer and I didn't know how to handle that. After sitting in silence and being one of "those" couples out at a restaurant I excused myself and went to the bathroom.

I immediately broke into hyperventilating tears stooped over a toilet ready to throw up I felt so tense and queasy. So I sat there and cried briefly (until someone came into the bathroom). Cleaned up and went back out. At this point our bill had been paid and we left.

As we walked out of the restaurant I hated that "thick air" that happens when you are in a disagreement with someone. So I looped my arm in his and began discussing a completely different topic. At first he went with it--I wasn't sure if he'd act cold or distant but he wasn't. But shortly after riding in the car (as I was moving our earlier conversation and pain to a backburner in my mind to brew over later) he brought it up again.

He asked what he was supposed to be feeling because I had just stopped talking to him at the restaurant. I had brought up the fact that if I was in a relationship only to find out...you know married and down the road at 30 something that I was never going to have children I would likely resent my husband. I don't want to resent him, but I think that would be a natural feeling if that is something that is really important to you and you allow another person to make the decision about it. (Same way he would likely resent me if we DID have kids and he really didn't want them!)

I'm afraid he felt like I resented him now because he kept bringing that up. I don't resent him, I can't change that side of him or those feelings--it just felt...I had given myself an ultimatum--choosing a life with Jeff and no kids, or breaking up with him and seeing what else is out there.

I didn't want to make that choice. Especially not now, not when I don't even want kids (not for at least 4-5 years, you know?). Children are the last thing on my mind so to consider or even going through with breaking up with the love of my life based on a "maybe?" is just too much to really think about. Especially because I think he'll be so great with kids...and what happens when 10 years from now I find out he has a lovely wife and three kids....ahh, the worst of it all.

Plus, there's so much riding on this decision. If we weren't planning on moving I wouldn't be so concerned with the issue, but the fact is, if I leave with him to go across the country--I will be assuming a new stage of my life completely hinged on him. I wanted to know if there was a commitment on his part (which I figured there was but...) and I wanted there to be some sense of a plan. I didn't want to move in with someone unless if I was engaged. Knowing that I will probably move in with Jeff without that engagement...I feel like I'm breaking a promise to myself.

Morally, I don't have a problem with moving in with him, although, I think from a visual standpoint I would like to offer my parents/family/friends a sense of reassurance by offering them an engagement as a confirmed token of my future with Jeff. Also, I've read that couples that live together have a low chance of actually getting married unless if it's agreed upon that marriage will be the next step.

And actually, it makes sense because I think you have to deal with a new sense of conflict and troubles when you move in with someone (anyone!) and it's easier to give up and get out of a relationship than accepting the fact that you are there to work it out no matter what. I think when you're married you have a mutual understanding and willingness to make things work even when it's hard rather than when you're in a boy/girl friend relationship obviously there will be some level of commitment and effort but I think it's easier to think "this isn't meant to be" rather than finding a compromise or solution.

Anyway, knowing all that I wanted to have that pre-commitment (I know it's not even close to a guarantee, but at least it's something) before I moved in with someone. I feel confident that Jeff and I would do fine living together and that we would get married that's why I've agreed to moving away with him. I want to get out of Ohio too.

I think if we would break up now...Jeff would be gone in a month. However reckless, he wants to leave so bad I think he would just go. And that would be that. My life would start over without Jeff. I think�.I might go into a depression. I hope I wouldn�t. I hope I would be able to move towards God and understand my place from a new position but it�s hard to tell. My life is so wrapped up in him. I know outside looking in that doesn�t look good. But it�s not�him, it�s me. It�s a �flaw� if you will and if it wasn�t Jeff it would be someone else. If it wasn�t a guy it would be my best girlfriend. I don�t know how to stop the pattern I develop when I am supporting a relationship.

If Jeff and I broke up and he moved I wonder what would happen to me. And I don�t mean that in the woes me bleak future, I just mean�I wonder if I would ever get out of this city. I wonder if I would be trapped. Trapped by lack of opportunity. Here I am in a job I like working with people I enjoy. It�s not a bad thing to be trapped with. But I want to live somewhere else�really bad. And maybe once I get there I won�t like it and I�ll be back but I want to be able to make that decision. If I never leave this city I would regret that forever.

So Jeff and I are driving back after the restaurant and the conversation continues. I am�.swallowed in choice and confusion and I really don�t want him to take me home but I know that�s where we were heading. I just wanted to curl up with him and pretend this conversation hadn�t happened and I could think about it later. But that didn�t happen. He drove me home and I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to run (if it weren�t for those heels I was wearing�). It was raining and I was dressed nicely but I just wanted to escape. I didn�t want to go inside because I didn�t know how my mom would react. I wanted someone to talk to but I didn�t feel like there was anyone who would understand. None of my friends have every been in a serious relationship.

So he drove away and I walked over to a bridge near my house. I thought I would cry. But I didn�t. I just felt heavy and dark. Finally, when I was cold and the rain picked up I walked back home. As soon as I walked into my room I was overtaken with tears. I crawled up onto my bed and buried my head under a pillow and cried so hard my body was shaking and I could barely breathe between the tears. I must have been crying pretty loud because my mother could hear me three rooms down with a TV on and through my closed door. I heard her knocking on my door and I knew it was her. When she opened the door I felt really self conscious. I didn�t even know if I could talk to her. So I rolled over and cried, �He doesn�t want children!� I felt silly saying it�.it�s so early and so not an issue right now it seems ridiculous to be so upset over the issue. But the truth is, I am planning a future with someone and if he doesn�t want kids (really) I can�t continue because it�s only going hurt more as I fall even more deeply in love with him, as my life continues to wrap tighter, blending with his�.

Amazingly, my mom really made me feel better. Sometimes I feel when we talk it only aggravates me. I often feel judged and accused with my mom. But I didn�t feel bad or wronged or even on the defense. She explained that from her observation Jeff is not ready�not ready for kids yes, but more importantly, not ready for marriage. She told me that he was a good guy and that he cares about me very much and she thought we would marry each other and he would grow up to be a really great husband. It felt nice to hear her say that. I know, she doesn�t care for some of Jeff�s characteristics, but who doesn�t have any issue with someone. I have plenty of my own issues with myself! She also said that most guys don�t want kids when they�re young. Kids, marriage�.they�re symbols of growing up and losing an identity. It�s a selfish, immature identity but guys aren�t usually at the same point as women are in relationships for that �next step� even if in the back of their heads they know that �next step� is coming. She told me not to worry and chances are Jeff would probably be ready to have kids at some stage in his life, and I shouldn�t break up with him or do anything drastic like that.

At this point I had one of the worst headaches of my life. Balling as I did certainly did not help the mental anguish I had already began to dealt with, but all that frowning and crying really gave me a terrible headache. I was beginning to eat some ice cream (doesn�t that always help?) when the phone rings. Jeff.

My mom had suggested I call Jeff and I told her I couldn�t�I would cry. And she agreed that I couldn�t call crying and so we had decided I wouldn�t. But I was glad Jeff did. Somehow in my own selfish situation I had forgot about the pain that Jeff was going through. I mean, I knew that he was probably alone and hurting at his own home, but I really felt the pressure on myself. I never thought about the fact that he was dealing with knowing that his own doubts of having children may cause the end of our relationship. What a horrible and helpless situation to be in. To know there is no decision to make other than wondering if you should lie (saying he would have kids) to keep someone with you.

He called crying. He had actually sat down with him mom and dad to deal with the situation (that�s pretty serious, plus, him crying�that doesn�t happen too often!). Mom gave him my perspective and dad supported son in his own feelings. Jeff tried again to explain where he was and ultimately, yes he wants to be with me, and he knows that I know that it doesn�t even need to be said. He told me that he�s known he would marry me since last summer (actually, about the same time I had come to the same conclusion) but he�s no where close to being in a position to offer me marriage. That he knows it doesn�t have to mean wedding but talking about marriage�that he isn�t ready for it, and he won�t be until he�s financially sound/settled.

It doesn�t resolve the kid issue, but�.hearing his heart break on the phone. I don�t want to be NOT with him. And knowing we�re �for sure� it feels good. I feel so incredibly happy thinking about being with him, and doing and seeing the world with him by my side. He is an incredible friend. Jeff is so supportive and loving and I know he�ll take care of me and respect me. He�s not perfect but neither am I. We click so right�it�s hard to believe that I could find someone else like him. I don�t believe in soul mates or there being a �one� but I do feel like Jeff and I were sometimes �made for each other.�

I went over to his house shortly after he called. We smoked to take the headache away and wrapped up together on his bed. And slept. It felt amazing. I didn�t want to go when I woke up a few hours later. I love him. I think we will get married and I can only hope for now that he will want children when that time comes. In the meantime�.I�ll assume our move to L.A. is on and our future is what we make of it.