12 December 2000

Hi. I'm so sorry Cath that I don't update enough. I get on the computer everyday...and almost everyday I want to hop on the d-land and write an entry, but basically I'm just lazy. :)

....but with reason!! You might have noticed that once I do get on I just keep talking and talking.... If I could hop on and write a short one, maybe I'd take the time, but usually I want to do other stuff than be stuck for hours writing diaryland entries. ;)

Of course, in the end, it doesn't really matter, because I wait so long to write, I just have *more* to write, and the entry is longer anyway.

Am I making any sense?

Haha, it was funny, because I stopped by Sereene to see what's up and I found this link and I went and I found myself unable to leave the darn site.

Everytime you say "okay, this is the last one...." a new picture pops up before you can leave. Now you just can't leave without giving a picture you've *Seen* a rating! Whoo, I finally busted out of it, and happily did not put a quick link to it, so hopefully with time I will forget all about it.

*I* certainly don't need another thing to waste my time.

I've been making mad money at work.

Does anyone say that any more? "mad" as in the sense of "a lot"? Haha...uh, yeah there used to be this girl Kirsten that I knew and she would say it *all the time* and I guess it pops out of these aglaia lips at times.

But only at random times.

I'm rambling.

My few important HS years I spent in my best friend's church left me the impression that it was hard to be a Christian because you were persecuted by society's ways.

But what if you are a non-Christian in a Christian society?

I'm persecuted just as much by them.

You must understand that I'm happy to let you live your life, but it would be nice to have the same acceptance shared on my behalf. I understand if I was a Christian I would be "super christian" and probably be attacking anyone who didn't live exactly like me.

How could you not go out into the world, frantically trying to sell your story, when you believe you have God's direct vote backing you up?

One night I'm writing my old youth leader a letter of fare well (he's leaving for Chicago) as well as my confession.

I'm not and never was....a Christian.

A few minutes later, finished and the juices of upset flowing through me (it takes a lot to justify yourself without sounding "confused" to a man of the ministry) one of my best friends calls me. I asked her to go out, but instead she invited me to church. (No thanks...I've learned I leave everytime the next wondering why I continue to come to a bashing session). I must have sounded huffy, because she asks me why.

I tell her I'm not interested. I don't like it. And yadda yadda.

But why? (she asks.)

....hesitantly, "because I'm not a christian..."

(gasp) You're not?

I understand the confusion partly. I went steadily for two years heavy. I was ten seconds short of becoming a student leader that's how hard I was involved. (While I felt I could be a leader and "teach" it would have gone against what I truly believed so I never did.) I never told anyone I was a Christian. They just assumed. (and why would you not if someone acted like that, you know?)

BUT, the thing is, Holly being one of my best friends I *have* told her that I'm not. She didn't believe me I guess. Maybe she thought they were moments of "doubt" then I came back on track.

But, uh, I never was "on track" if you will. She just kind of shut up and we said our goodbyes.

It's hard to know you can disappoint someone so much in just a few seconds.

Then not a few days later my mom gets in the jump. She too was shocked with my "coming out."

But mom....

I didn't know she didn't know.

I thought she knew that I believed other things, that I was studying Christianity, because I wasn't going to reject something until I fully understood it. I thought *she* would understand. (This is the one who jokes about being a buddhist....she believes in reincarnation.)

But she's been attending bible study (which I realize is with my influence when i was youth group going strong) and now herself is turning "jesus freaky". (I mean this in the fondest of terms. :)

If it hurts to have a friend disappointed in you, it hurts twice as much to have that look and those words coming from your mother.

The worst, is she thinks, that what made me change was sex.

Jeff.

*NOT* the case at all. I've never been a Christian, but no one believes me! Everyone keeps telling me that in time, I will "turn back". I am so beyond, turning back to anything...Christian like.

They don't understand how deep *I BELIEVE* in my world, in my God. I trust in Him, and am Guided by Her, and know that all IS, and we all ARE. Either I'm a victim to society in their eyes, or I am making up my own religion.

Go read Stranger in a Strange Land, go read Friendship with God study Advaita Vedantism and there you will see glimpses of what I believe. I can't argue with a Christian, and I don't really want to.

I want there to be fellowship, I want there to be faith, I want there to be knowing.

They have the bible.

I have my heart.

I cannot and do not, *choose* what I believe. I cannot simply go along with something, because it's there, when every single thing in my body and mind is screaming against it. And this is how God created me.

If the Christian God is all there really is, then I'd like to think that he can forgive me, for he created me. I do not live as I do because I want to be "sinful". I do not believe what I believe just because it "sounds nicer".

In my heart, in my mind, it is Truth.