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wistfully lesbian, and a whole lot o trouble for nothing

17 February 2003

So just to continue my last entry...

I end up writing Jeff a pretty long Valentine's note in his card just letting him know why I love and appreciate him, and at the end telling him I know that whatever was wrong with us at that point we would get through it because we always did.

It felt rather awkward even giving him a card when it felt so sour between us, but I went over to his place with the card and chocolate covered strawberries which I had made for him.

I'm not a big v-day girl so I told him weeks before not to get me anything (unless if he really wanted to ;). We do a lot of nice things for each other all the time, and sure if we didn't get to see each other as much as we do, or if we had the money to spare, sure it would be fun to exchange gifts and such, but I know that we're both poor right now--so why go all out, going into debt for a holiday I could care less about?

I was hoping the card would start a conversation, but it didn't. He did smile as he was reading it though, and he thanked me when he was done, so that was a positive note. We ended up just watching TV in silence for about a half hour--me on one couch and him on another. Finally, I tell him we better go (we ended up hooking up with his 'rents for a dinner reservation) and we drive. It's semi-awkward in the sense that I don't feel he's trying to ignore me or be mean, but we're not exactly being our usual friendly selves either.

I was hoping by having dinner with his parents he would at least act "normal" with me, because it would be harder to keep up the ignoring act without it completely ruining everyone's night. And it pretty much worked. At first it was a little slow getting out of the shell, but eventually it was as if nothing was wrong between us at all.

It helps that I adore his parents. I light up every time I see his mom, I think she's really great (how awesome is that to actually enjoy your potential inlaws?). So we're all drinking and eating and just having a general good time. It was a seafood restaurant, supposedly one of the best in the city, and I'm not a big seafood fan at all, but I end up with crabcakes which were really good.

It's funny when another restaurant sells the same wine as mine. My favorite glass, Giesen was being sold for $7.00--I think at my restaurant we sell it for $5.00--but hey, everything goes up when you're paying for that finer dining experience I suppose.

It kind of made for a fine deal that Jeff and I got to spend a nice evening together, and then his parents paid for everything ;) Now if only Jeff would get along with my parents!

Not that he doesn't get along with my parents, it's just not the same level of comfort that I experience with his--and I'm not comfortable with other adults in general, so I don't know why I like his parents so much compared to other's in my past, but there's just something about them that puts me completely at ease. And then with Jeff and my parents...

Well to begin with I talk a lot of trash about my mom to Jeff, and I think he probably internalizes that. Obviously if Jeff talked bad about one of his parents I would probably assume a similar negative attitude. And I love my mom, and I think she has a lot of wonderful qualities, and I think as for an overall 'mom' job, she did an excellent job in raising my siblings and I...it's just that...

We disagree on a lot of things. I don't know if that's even the right way to say it, because I do agree with what she is saying I just don't like the way she goes around it. I think she's very controlling, and because of that I fear her a lot of times. I am constantly trying to get her approval, even when it doesn't really matter. I just want to be free to do my own thing.

I was a "model" child always getting good grades, being involved in just about everything in school, and I ran around with a "good" crowd. So to me, I wanted her to back off and trust me to do the things I wanted to do, and that's where my bitterness stems.

Do you know how offensive it is to come home and have your mom ask if you've been getting high, and you haven't even ever touched a cigarette or any type of drug in your lifetime? And she asked me a lot--I can't help it if my eyes would get a bit red at night when it was late, but it really made me mad that she would even ask.

She would make me leave movies if I wouldn't be home in time by curfew. I got in trouble once for going to Dairy Queen after youth group because I didn't call her to tell her where I was, or instead of coming right home--and it's like

HELLO--I'm out with my youth group, why are you so pissed?

And when I go home and I have a curfew, yes it does make me mad. I'm in college, my grades are excellent, I'm still really involved, etc. What more does she want from me? I'm not giving her a bad name, or in any way givin her reason to be disappointed, so yeah she does piss me off a lot.

Everytime I go home I leave bitter. Everything I do she takes it personally. If I say I want to move to California once I graduate she takes offense "why do you want to move away from your family?" *THAT* is what I'm dealing with. It's not all about her, and I understand that yes, that should be a consideration in my mind, but out of all the reasons to move out of this city "getting away from my family" wouldn't even be one of them. Sure, it would be nice to have family close, but I've lived in the same city all my life, and I want to get out!

It's semi-large city, and yes it was a great place to grow up, and I'm sure it's a nice place to raise children, but I am ready to experience the world, and see what else is out there, and if I do it's not all about hurting my mom.

I'm sure if I do move away I'll miss my family a lot. Here I am in college and I see my parents probably 2-3 times a week.


Speaking of college, today we had a SNOW DAY! HAha, I was running around so giddy last night when I heard. I couldn't help it, I felt like I was in grade school again, and I was just so excited. I didn't even have anything due today, or any reason to really not want to go to class, but just knowing I didn't have to was such an awesome feeling.

The snow here is *so* deep. The other day I had to dig my car out of our lot because I was stuck. Our lot is also surrounded my alley's, so you automatically have to drive through two to get to a main road, and so many people keep getting stuck in them, because no way is an alley ever going to get plowed. In fact, living in the surrounding campus area I know our streets are probably the lowest on the list of priorities anyway.

But anyway, it's a pretty major deal with our university closed, because it usually only happens once every twenty years or so!


So getting back to Jeff...we never did talk about what was "up" with us, but that night when we got back from dinner we ended up drinking more, and going back to my place and just having fantastic sex.

We must have made out for over and hour. I think I probably bruised my pubic bone for grinding on him so much, but that's part of the fun, just wanting someone so much and resisting. We just kissed and touched until I pretty much couldn't take it any longer.

Ahh, nothing like sex to revive the relationship. Well, we haven't had any problems since then, so I might have been right that the lack of sex was the problem.


Ahh, I know this entry is going on forever, but last night was rather interesting.

Having found out we didn't have school we decided to take our leisure time and smoke away (la la la, right after I talked about being a "good daughter" haha, but that's for another conversation ;)

Typically when we do smoke we'll just zone out and watch tv for 4 hours, but last night we just talked the whole time. I wish we could have taped our conversations--I always wish I could do that, just to see if any of it makes sense. Because there are moments where you think you're really hitting on something important that you never realized or thought of before. I wonder if we're really getting to something, or just making completely no sense.

We were talking about life dreams and on a tanget I mentioned it would be convenient if I were lesbian, because then I would probably study/research relationships between lesbians, which would easily match my two majors of women's studies and communications, and then I would have something to study if I went on to grad school (one of my life dreams) and Jeff completely freaked out on me for saying that.

He was *really* angry at me, because I guess in his mind I completely rendered him expendable (living as a lesbian). Now how am I supposed to get myself out of that one?

I cannot believe he was angry about something like that. I guess he was thinking...I'm not sure, because of our state of mind, but that one of my life dreams was to be a lesbian?

I don't know, I am still really confused, but it lead to a lot of crying and pleading for him to not be mad at me. I am still at disbelief that a comment like that would upset him. I think, because of his understanding of homosexuality, that all of a sudden I would just "decide" to become a lesbian--or that somehow by making a comment like that (in relation to life dreams) that I would "awaken" and become a lesbian (because it connects to a life dream??).

Not that I have anything against lesbians, or homosexuality in nature, but that was not what I was trying to say at all. To me it was just an example, of something that would be "convenient" as far as my career goes. (And I know that's horrible to take something like one's sexuality and trivialize it like that, of which I do apologize)

But for him to be mad at me? To me it was the same as if he had said, "gee wouldn't it have been great if I would have been scouted for [some sport] in high school, and now I was playing pro?"--I mean, I wouldn't have gotten mad at him for saying that, even though, if that were true, we would have never met and he would be really happy...without me.

So finally we sat down to talk about it, but he was still pretty angry with me. And I think he still does think that somewhere deep inside me there is some potential for this "life dream" to awaken inside of me.

And I'm sorry, but homosexuality doesn't just "happen" it's something you're born with. It seemed really homophobic of him to all of a sudden be mad at me for wanting to be a lesbian--and in the grander sense of it--I DON'T want to be a lesbian.

I think that would be a really hard life to live in our society, and no I don't desire that, and yes, I do love Jeff and our relatinship makes up a huge chunk of who I am, so I wouldn't want to throw that away, just so that I could do research on lesbian relationships (what a dumb thing to say,I'll give you that, but even dumber to have a fight about it!.

And I'm not trying to say that you have to be a lesbian to do that type of research or even if I were a lesbian I would automatically do that type of work; going to grad school IS the dream, but seeing as I have no clue as to what I would like to do, or how to blend my majors in a way that would be interesting, the whole lesbian idea was just a random thought, and it got completely blown out of proportion.

And I think that while he's not mad at me anymore, he still feels hurt by it. And that really sucks, because I feel like I hurt my boyfriend, and then I'm being hurt because of that, for a comment that didn't mean anything or at least didn't mean it the way he did.

And it is threatening, I don't want him to worry all of a sudden I'll "go" lesbian, and I'm kind of disappointed that he thinks that way too! Bleh, well there was more, but this entry is as long as my life story, so I gotta go.






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